


REFLECTION

by Hamgombebe



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abandonment, Alternate Universe - Gang World, Androgyny, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Injury, Brothels, Bullying, Dom/sub Undertones, Drag Queens, Edging, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Finger Sucking, Gang Connections, Homophobia, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Miscarriage, Past Abortion, Past family abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Power Struggle, Praise Kink, Rough Sex, Self-Worth Issues, Sexual Abuse, Side Relationships - Freeform, Slapping, Slight Pain Kink, Switch position, Unsafe Sex, Violence, intrustive thoughts, power bottom minhyuk, toxic family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:15:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 65,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24092692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hamgombebe/pseuds/Hamgombebe
Summary: A story about two lonely individuals who find solace when together ..maybe even genuine feelings for the first time in their entire lives.But what happens once they open themselves up to each other ..in a time when neither have any control over what comes next?
Relationships: Lee Hoseok | Wonho/Son Hyunwoo | Shownu
Comments: 55
Kudos: 120





	1. 11:30 PM

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ THIS AND THE TAGS BEFORE CONTINUING.
> 
> The name “REFLECTION” is an ode to the song “MIRROR”, which Shownu and Wonho share a deep connection with. The song, along with its lyrics, are a significant factor, a muse of mine in creating this story. I wanted to try bringing some of its interpretations to life in an abstract way.
> 
> I care about my readers and don’t want anyone to feel potentially triggered by the content. So here is a strict reminder to refer to the tags. I will update them along the way as to not spoil it right now. Not all of the themes are on this first chapter, even though we hit the ground running, but the rest will gradually make its way into the plot as the story unfolds.
> 
> [-TWITTER THREAD-](https://twitter.com/_hamgombebe/status/1314305371314495491)
> 
> That’s about it! Please don’t forget or hesitate to leave kudos and comments at the bottom of each chapter. They keep writers like me happy and inspired. I hope you enjoy!

**Laconic** ( _adj_.) expressing much in few words.

My birthdays have been a lonely event for the past three years now, but that was always on purpose, just like my divorce was at the time. It was all my decision.

I was twenty-four when it happened. Even when I got married two years before that, I knew that I was too young to, but Na-ri was so beautiful that I couldn’t resist her or risk losing her. I tried to forget the way that she would call me Nunu with pouted lips, the smooth lightness of her voice and her laugh, the one that would haunt and destroy me until the day I die.

Because it had been my favourite sound that this world had to offer. And now?

There is this bruised up part of me that misses her from time to time, but then there’s another part of me that knows a hell of a lot better than to go back to a woman who lies her way in and out of everything. In reality, I would never be caught romanticizing the idea of her return back into my life. I know now that leaving her was for my best, and I was told that various times, by many people. At first, I refused to even listen to any of them, but that was because it hurt too much for me to fully grasp the concept that she never loved me. Not after what she did.

I don’t typically care to celebrate my birthday on the day of since then, but my friends always insist, and in turn, I always settle on the day after to make them happy. Tomorrow would just be a normal night out with the boys to me. But it’s on nights like this where I can feel the full aches and pains of the past creep up into my chest, restricting my breathing, slowly pushing into it like a fist, begging for me to let out whatever is stuck inside in some way, but I never let it out. How cruel of me. At times, this pressure turns into a sharp sensation that stops me every single time, making me feel weak in more ways than just one.

I rest my hand on my chest and inhale, feeling it.

I’ve passed this location many times, for many years, and each of those times, I couldn’t help but to make fleeting eye contact with it. Now I stand right in front of its doors, under the dim blue neon cursive sign, ‘The Laconic’. I always found that name fascinating but completely out of place. The softness of the blue makes it look inviting, calming, and intensely magnetic tonight of all nights compared to all of the other times that I had passed it by car on my way to and from work. There aren’t a lot of legal brothel’s like these in Seoul, but I did my research. This particular one in the Gangnam-gu district is high-end, a quality choice, an institution that men with big wallets and flexible schedules stop by to fill the voids in their lives, to explore, to step out of the closet for a time, to talk about their life, their sorrows and their problems, or to cheat on their wives before dinner is set on their table.

I’ve never actually stepped inside one, but I’m currently standing six feet away from the entrance as I watch middle-aged men with loosened ties, glazed eyes and stupid smiles on their smug faces walking out, sometimes even in groups, one even left with what looks like their wife or girlfriend. I stand here for quite some time, hearing the subdued yet leisured music coming from the inside in the meantime, increasing in volume whenever the double doors opened to let yet another man with the same expression pass through before the sound returned. I want to go and follow the music so badly, but my feet are stuck in their place.

The door opened again, and another man came out. He did not look like the others who walked out before him. He didn’t have the same expressions, the same attire, or mannerisms. Nothing about him was even remotely comparable to them. This one wore a white t-shirt that hugged his broad arms and shoulders, a belt that tightened his small waist, black pants that were rolled up at the bottom, and a pair of black boots. This man’s hair is blonde, straight, and dishevelled as it was covering his forehead, slightly parted at the center. His skin is very pale and he has this oval shaped face that's coupled with moderately small ears that protrude, the top of them folding outwards. It softened his features. He looks to be in his mid-twenties and in remarkable shape, standing only slightly shorter than me. There was a moment when he stood just staring ahead of him before he went on to retrieve the cigarette pack and blue lighter from his back pocket. Before he lit it, he brushed his hair back with his fingers. This exposed his dark eyes a bit more, but they looked sad. To me, this is a strange expression that I didn’t expect to see coming from a man who just stepped out of a brothel like The Laconic.

Once he lit the cigarette, he stood straight with his eyes closed. He secured one toned arm across his chest while the elbow of the other rested on his wrist, the cigarette snug between his fingers as it kissed his plump lips. He was either deep in thought, or trying to clear them out. 

Blood rushed to my face suddenly as something dawned on me.

I looked down at what I was wearing and realized that I was wearing a black suit, white button-down shirt, post-work loosened tie, and black dress shoes. I’m beginning to feel as if I am no different than those men before him who enter in and out of this building, which is giving way to this heavy yet crippling anxiety that comes with the terrible insecurity of being perceived as something you wish you weren't, of being judged. I don’t want to enter The Laconic and look like those men who hide their wedding bands in the inner pocket of their suit jacket. I wouldn’t put it past them if they did. I’m sure others would think the same of me. I really should have thought this through before I made the spontaneous decision to come here. It’s too late to go back now.

The air was very warm tonight. I don’t need a jacket. I removed it and folded it vertically before placing it hanging on my arm. Next, I folded both of my sleeves up to my elbow. I removed the tie as well, rolled it up, and placed it inside the pocket of the jacket.

I exhaled. Feeling better. More confident.

I carded my short black hair, feeling slight perspiration as I did this. Shit. Why am I so nervous? Men don’t get like this when they go to places like The Laconic, do they? But then again, this isn’t your usual brothel. No, I almost forgot. There’s not many like it in this city. How could I forget?

I looked up to see that the blonde man had turned and was retreating back into the building as he looked down at his phone, abruptly preoccupied with it as he disappeared. He didn’t even have time to properly dispose the half-used cigarette, which I can see on the ground, squished. He was clearly in a hurry to get back inside.

He makes a good point, so I’ll follow suit. I’ve waited long enough outside. I take those six steps and pass through the doors, and the environment completely shifted. There’s an immediate staircase upon entering and at the top, a security guard was there to greet me. I did what I had to do to get in, and then everything felt like a dream suddenly. The first thing that I looked for, surprisingly, was the bar. I'm not sure whether they have a bar or not. I just need a drink.

This particular floor of the building is a large corridor with many rooms on either side, minimal lighting, and a relaxed ambiance. The walls were a navy blue, and there are many mirrors on the walls, big and small. It felt intrusive, but I feel like that’s exactly what they were going for. Some rooms had no door, open to all, decorated with lounge furniture that were being well utilized. Others were not. They had been reserved. I saw acts of flirtation from a couple who entered one before locking the door behind them in the minutes that it took for me to actually find the bar at the very end of this hallway.

Though before finding it, I observed the rooms inhabitants. It was a predominantly male brothel sprinkled with androgyny and drag queens that walked about the place like they owned it. And they do it well.

If I were to be completely candid with myself, I am curious about everything. I have been since that one night. I’ve wanted to explore ever since, but I was too scared to. Perhaps it was a phase. But what if it’s not? There’s a certain image that I need to uphold, one that all of my friends and family know me by, though I feel detached from that image because it’s who I used to be. I’ve felt detached from myself ever since. Nothing else has felt right.

The music was smooth, coming in slow beats, and accompanied by soft sultry vocals. It sets the tone well enough. Every person seems to vibe well with each other as shirts were playfully fisted, frisky smiles exchanged, laughter echoing from room to room, among other sounds, and laps were taken in the public areas. There were men in lingerie, makeup, and wigs that were voluptuous. They are stunning, but they are not my type.

And then there were the men who dressed in black pants and sheer yet classy long-sleeved shirts, their nipples in plain sight, minimal to no makeup, and with shorter hair. These men were just as intriguing, but they were not my type, either.

I’m extremely particular.

I cue into conversations by accident, but find them informative. Every staff member is referred to as a doll, even the more masculine ones. It’s obvious that The Laconic is trying to cater to people’s various tastes, wants, and needs, and it’s seemingly working.

Everyone looks content, purely enjoying the company and themselves. The anxiety that I had felt outside was disappearing with every step I take towards the very end of the hall. Once I got there, it looked like the place to be as far as public spaces go. This room was a lot bigger than the other spaces. There was a provocative looking game of pool happening as I walked in, catching my eyes immediately. Though my eyes naturally drifted to the bar, which is situated off to the left with a couple of men seated on the stools, their arms around a doll of their own. I decidedly sat a couple of seats away from the closest man.

I couldn’t see the bartender. They weren’t behind bar. No one was. Is that not allowed?

I suddenly feel a hand brushing my right shoulder, slowly and softly as it intentionally dipped to my chest harmlessly. I knew something like this would happen at some point, and it came by no surprise to find a doll resting his arm around my shoulders. His head tilted over to get a better look at me, followed by a cheeky smile as we made eye contact.

“I’ve never seen you here,” he started with a high yet controlled voice, almost timid sounding in spite of the blunt initial interaction. He smelled good. “What’s your name?”

“Shownu,” I replied hesitantly, bowing my head slightly.

“I think that you’re much too handsome to be sitting here alone, let me join you,” he requested as he took a seat on the stool to my right. How bold.

I turned on my chair to get a clear look at him seeing that he was one of the dolls with a sheer black shirt. When I looked him in the eyes, I noticed that his were a beautiful shape, and his hair, which was slightly shaggy, is a light blue.

My first thought was that it seems like the dolls made a lot of use of hair dye from what I can see. My second thought was that he was very cute, but not what I’m looking for. I would sigh if I could, but I don’t want to be rude.

“You’re very forward,” I chuckled playfully, an unexpected thing for me to do. 

This doll smirked at me, intrigued, probably realizing that it’s my first time in a place like this.

Suddenly, someone swiftly walked past the left side of me and entered the bar, quick to take anyone’s drink orders. He seemed out of breath as he moved with grace around the bar, getting to work quickly. It took me a few seconds after a double take to realize that the bartender, who had apologized for his absence, had been the blonde who was standing outside.

The bartender greeted me with a bow of his head and a quick hello.

“Wonho, baby, I like this one a lot,” the doll pouted at the bartender as he wrapped both of his arms around mine and casually rested his cheek on my shoulder. “Look at how big his lips are, Wonho, look,” he continued enthusiastically. The bartender’s eyes looked fleetingly at my lips, acknowledging them for less than a second, before they returned back to the towel he was using to hastily clean the counter.

My cheeks felt hot all of a sudden, taken off guard by how direct and shameless the dolls are here, though it was refreshing and flattering, almost invigorating and potentially addictive.

Wonho’s eyes rolled up incredulously at the doll clinging onto my arm before bringing his focus back to me. “Try not to mind Minhyuk. He’s just a very interesting person whose filter had gone missing years ago. What can I get you to drink, sir?” There is a lisp in some of his words, but there is also something confident and assertive when he speaks them.

“Soju,” my voice came out deep and slightly muffled.

Wonho hummed in acknowledgement as he nodded, moving to retrieve a bottle from below the counter. He effortlessly opened it and slid it in my direction.

“I may have no filter,” Minhyuk continued at Wonho, “but you have no conscience. I won’t have you scaring away any more of my potential customers. Especially not one with lips like this. Do you hear me, Bunny?”

My ears perked up at the nickname.

Wonho’s lips pursed into a straight line and his dark shapely eyebrows raised as he eyed the Whiskey glass that he was cleaning close to his chest. “If making sure that the clients who come through your door are quality men and not shit-faced humans is considered having no conscience, then I will stop at your request, Min. But you’ll start to see a difference in your daily intake.” 

Minhyuk’s mouth fell slightly open, clearly taken aback, but then recovered.

“Excuse me,” Wonho said abruptly before walking away, his expression morphing into something more serious as he went to check on a customer at the far end of the bar.

I realized that I hadn’t paid him yet.

I felt Minhyuk’s eyes suddenly on me. “So what kind of things do you like, sir—” he softly asked, trying to gauge my interests as he leaned his head, his eyes flicking to the hallway of various locked doors.

I pursed my lips, looking at him apologetically as I slowly shook my head.

He shrugged his shoulders. “It was worth a try,” he smiled. It looked genuine. “Tell me when you’re ready.”

I stayed quiet as my eyes followed Wonho, watching as he leaned on the counter in front of the man and his doll. Wonho rested his chin on his palm almost intrusively, a smirk adorning his face. But this smirk seems a little strange to me, a little too familiar with a hint of devious. It reminds me of the type of smile a child would give to an adult when they are testing the waters with something, or someone. It was intimidating, even to me.

The man, who looked to be in his forties, had been haphazardly handsy with the doll by his side, and Wonho must have picked up on his discomfort. The doll was undoubtedly bothered by the customer’s overtly drunken actions and slurs.

It’s evident that limit’s do exist here and demand respect.

A number of seconds had passed because I felt a soft pressure on my bare arm where I had rolled up my sleeve. I looked down to find Minhyuk’s long hand, and then up to see him smiling at me again, reminiscent of sympathy. “I see your type,” Min effortlessly uncovered as he had caught me eyeing Wonho for a little longer than I had thought.

“Can I ask you a question?” I asked, wanting to deviate from that topic, but not too far.

“Mh,” he nodded.

“Why did you call him Bunny?”

Minhyuk giggled, displaying his remarkable wide smile before looking down bashfully. “Because it doesn’t suit him, right? He’s going to strangle me if he knew that I was about to expose him, and not in the way that I like, mind you. You need to promise me that you won’t say a word.”

“I won’t,” I assured him.

“I know it doesn’t seem like it, but Wonho is one of the most considerate well-bred men that I have ever come across in all the years I’ve worked here. His soft side jumps out every once in a while, to say hello, if you’re lucky, but his guard tends to be raised in this environment. You look like a smart man. I bet you can see why that is,” he said as he looked over his shoulder to the scene that was gradually unfolding.

My eyes narrowed as the volume from their otherwise private conversation was increasing.

“You came in very high from the beginning. I’m cutting you off,” Wonho said firmly, refusing to give drinks to the man who looked to be obliterated by many things.

Everything happened quickly in the following seconds.

The man began to spew incoherent words, cussing Wonho out in the process, as he grabbed the empty glass in front of him. When he staggered up onto his feet, he raised the glass up in the air before smashing it with undeniable force at Wonho’s face.

A gut-wrenching yell of pain escaped Wonho’s lips as he covered his face with a tensely opened hand before collapsing out of sight behind the bar.

Minhyuk and I snapped, immediately yet silently rising from our seats as chaos erupted.

Min went to grab the wrist of the doll, who looked traumatized, as he protectively yanked him away from the scene and behind him as he made sure that the customer violating the rules was nowhere near him or anyone else for that matter.

I went to restrain the man from behind, locking both of his arms and pulling them back with controlled force as he thrashed back and forth, though I made sure that he felt the pain until security entered to take over. The instant that my arms were freed, I was the first and only to run behind the bar to see that Wonho was seated on the ground with his back against the bar, elbows on his knees and both of his shaking hands dripping with blood as they covered his face. 

After kneeling beside him, I touched his hands with mine and he tensed up. “Are your eyes okay?” were my first words as I held both of his wrists comfortingly, my thumbs massaging the sides of his hands, slowly yet gently beginning to pry them away from his face to assess. “It’s okay, I won’t touch it, I just want to see where all the blood is coming from,” I reassured him, and he gradually let me in.

His hands followed mine as they cleared away from his face. Immediately, I can see that his eyes were squinting, one eye wider than the other as he blinked the tears away from his eyes, though they weren’t there because he was crying. I can see now that shards of glass had cut into his forehead, his cheeks, and the bridge of his nose, but that was nothing compared to the gaping gash on his left eyebrow that needed stitches. I consciously made no reaction to it in order to keep him as calm as possible.

“I can see,” Wonho confirmed with a mutter, his voice levelled. I exhaled in relief.

"It's your eyebrow," I confirmed to him. I went on to grab a clean white towel that was on a shelf inside the bar before folding it into a square. I had him hold the towel to his eyebrow, willing him to hold it on the wound without saying a word. I’m too close to the blood that the metallic scent is faintly drifting around us.

“I need you to get up,” I said to Wonho, already positioning myself to help him. “I’ll drive you to the hospital now. You need stitches.”

“I can’t, my boss, he-“

I shook my head in disbelief. “If you could only see what I see. Now move it,” I ordered. His eyes widened at this, looking at me, taking me in for a few seconds. I can already tell that if I didn’t say it like this, in this manner, he would never budge unless it was to get cleaned up and back to work with a simple bandage on. He caved before I helped him up, easing him back onto his feet.

The room had been cleared away of guests except for Minhyuk, who seemed to be explaining the incident to a man who was not there previously, and who looked unimpressed, as if this sort of thing happens often. This man stood confidently in his expensive grey suit without a tie. His overall features are striking with a pushed back undercut, high cheekbones, a sharp jawline and small but pouty lips. His eyebrows were furrowed as he looked down at the cufflinks of his suit that he was fidgeting with, listening to Minhyuk’s every word, which began to sound more like pleas the closer we got. Power emanated off of this man. It was the kind that made men who look like Wonho avoid all eye contact with him.

Wonho looks scared.

I can tell that I already don’t like this man.

Minhyuk stepped in. “Shownu, this is Yoo Kihyun, our boss. He owns The Laconic.”

I bowed my head, as did Kihyun. I briefly eyed Minhyuk, who was standing behind his boss now, a hint of a smile on his lips.

“This establishment,” Kihyun began, “is known for its class and esteemed service,” he said the last couple of words with a cutting tone, enunciating it as his eyes sharply landed on Wonho, who continued to look down at his feet. “You put my name on the line again.”

Right off the bat, this didn’t sit well with me. I feel my body shifting as I stood a little taller with chin raised. “The man who did this was drunk and belligerent,” I cut in, “and he was clearly on something else. I would hardly call that class.” Minhyuk’s eyes widened at this, shock clear in his face, though his lips remained sealed. “Your bartender was just trying to cut him off from drinking even more, and the man retaliated with a glass to the face. With all due respect, I will be taking him to the hospital. Hopefully you can find someone to cover for him for the remainder of the evening.”

Kihyun raised an eyebrow at this as he looked from me, to Wonho. By this time, the blood was seeping through the linen that he held to his eyebrow. “Just call an ambulance. I’ll have it paid and you can just go home, or you can choose a room free of charge as a thank you for your next visit.”

Bold of you to think I'd come back.

My jaw clenched at this. “Your bartender needs attention now, and I have a car parked nearby. This emergency does not require an ambulance, but I can easily get him to the hospital much faster and at no cost.”

The hardened expression on Kihyun’s face softened after he mulled it over. "Yes, maybe that is a good idea.”

He must have realized that I was a paying customer.

“When is his next shift?” I asked Kihyun. I can tell this caught Wonho off guard. I asked this more so to secure Wonho’s position as a bartender than out of curiosity.

“Why not let him speak?” Kihyun pressed, glaring at Wonho.

Wonho's eyes were wide. Deer caught in headlights. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

“Shock, maybe,” I filled in. “It was a fucked up thing that happened here in your establishment,” I enunciated with a head tilt.

Minhyuk’s eyes rolled back as his head fell with it. I ignored this.

Kihyun’s chin raised as his lips twitched into a smile, micro-reacting to something, perhaps my tone of voice, or my rising defiance. 

“Minhyuk, go check his schedule,” Kihyun said, and Minhyuk darted to the bar where he pulled out a folder, checking the timetable and hastily returning with it.

“Wonho works on Monday, sir,” he answered, pointing at the folder and showing his boss.

Kihyun hummed.

“Get your things,” I quietly said to Wonho, though at first, Wonho did not move a muscle as he eyed Kihyun for the first time. The strange thing about their gaze was that there didn’t seem to be any animosity attached to it. There was something else. I can’t seem to put a finger on it. But from what I can see now, Wonho needs a little more incentive. I stepped in front of him to break their eye contact and said, “listen, you’re bleeding a lot and we need to get you to the hospital now. Please, get your things so we can get this done and over with.”

Wonho nodded before walking behind the bar and past a door. As he did this, Kihyun took the opportunity to speak up. “I would take him myself if I didn’t have to clear this mess up.”

“You clean?” I huffed disbelievingly.

“No. My dolls clean,” he deadpanned, though he peppered this with a forced smile.

Hearing Kihyun say that they were his dolls takes on a whole new meaning now that I’ve heard it come from his mouth. He was demonstrating ownership.

“I do damage control,” he continued. “The Laconic’s reputation and profits plummet when situations like these occur. You see this room? Every client that was here before this shit happened has either stepped outside or left—” he explained, looking as if he was struggling to mask his bitter feelings towards this fact with a forced smile that did not reach his eyes. “—and that has always been on him,” he hissed as he side-eyed Wonho, who was shuffling past the bar, returning with his leather jacket. He had gone and switched the soiled towel he had been using with a new one, which I was happy to see.

I overlooked Kihyun’s behaviour.

We were both finally ready to leave, but then Kihyun decided to have the final word. “I’ll see you first thing in my office on Monday, Wonho.”

My heart dropped. And I suppose that Wonho’s did as well given the look on his face.


	2. Take Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After waiting in line quietly trying to get Wonho checked in, we were guided to a busy area given that his injury was controlled. He was a number in line, just like the others who sat around us. I realized that it’s in this moment, now that we've entered the waiting room of the hospital, that I didn’t know what to do from here. I took out my wallet and I instinctively began to take money out, “this is for the taxi once you’re ready to go home.”
> 
> He didn’t take it. Instead, Wonho’s eyes shot to mine, abruptly alert and wide-eyed. His hands flew to my arm, gently holding on to it. “Don't go. Please keep me company. I don't want to be alone here.”
> 
> This reaction tugged at me. I can’t say no to that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS FOR COMING BACK FOR CHAPTER 2!
> 
> For the sake of the story, I have made Shownu older than Wonho. I'm aware of their real life age difference. After the chaos that was chapter 1, nothing hard hitting happens in this chapter (but THAT will come sooner than you think though sksksksk), but I am absolutely SOFT for the Nunu x Hoho moments in this one. I wanted you to get to know their characters a little more, their mannerisms, who they are, so I dedicated this chapter to that. I will say that there will be loose-lipped banter in the process of them getting to know each other. Hyungwon DOES make an appearance, and the others will gradually make their way into the storyline in the coming chapters. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Please leave kudos, I love to see it.  
> Also, comment and share this story with others! I would absolutely appreciate it.

I wasn’t going to come to The Laconic tonight. I had other plans, but they were no better than having gone to a brothel. It would have self-destructed in its own way regardless. The idea that I would have gone back home, changed out of my work clothes, and made my way to that one location, the same place that jump-started this aching curiosity, only would have brought more pain to my chest.

I was a mess, but I held it together on the outside.

LUCID is a night club that I used to sporadically go to on my toughest nights. It was where I was on my last birthday. Alone, no different than today. I had been surrounded by men dancing with women, men dancing with men, and women dancing with women, and so on. It was a very open environment, and it helped me to not second guess my actions to death or worry about what others would say or of being even remotely judged.

It felt safe.

And that was where I met Chae Hyungwon, one of their DJ’s that night. It was the last time that I had stepped foot into a club, and ever since then, I had spent a full year trying to avoid going back to that particular one because being around Hyungwon had been intoxicating, even more so than the alcohol that was in my system because I wanted more. And that feeling fucking terrified me.

I thought I had made up the whole night when I woke up that next day, but for one long night, I had immersed myself in the moment, forgetting about every single aspect of my life. It was as if all of my problems, my worries, the many mistakes I’ve made, even the good pieces of my life, did not exist anymore. I was temporarily a nobody in the best way possible, as if I had the rare freedom to drop my identity and to just go off and embrace my bisexuality for a night with him. I was completely and unapologetically myself for a few hours.

I had been too busy enjoying the music and dancing at first to notice him, but I did once I went to sit down from exhaustion. I realized how hypnotic his stage presence was, and I gradually became mesmerized for a time, enjoying the very sight of him with large headphones and commanding an audience. He was a bit serious on the stage, even as he clapped above his head to hype the music and those that were dancing, cracking smiles here and there. An hour of this passed before he finished his final set that night, having been replaced by yet another DJ who wasn’t nearly as good as he was in my unbiased opinion.

He joined everyone on the floor. I remember how my heart jumped.

There was something about him that had me slowly making my way closer, as if I was pushed closer. When he smiled, it touched his droopy yet charming eyes as his lips curved around his teeth. He was wearing a long simple black t-shirt that looked big on him, baggy jeans, and black running shoes. I liked the way his somewhat long black hair would get tousled when he jumped up and down to the music, becoming damp and stuck to the sides of his face and forehead, almost as if he had poured a bottle of water on his hair after his shift was done. From time to time, he would brush it back with his long and thin fingers when it got in the way and it would stay in place for a few seconds without a middle part to his hair. What caught my eyes was that both of his lips were full, though the centre of his top lip was slightly yet naturally protruding downwards. It was unique to me, and it was the first time that I allowed myself to acknowledge lips for what they are and thought heavily about what it would be like to kiss them without a single concern as to who they belonged to. 

All of this made me mildly hard, and that’s how I knew I needed to get much closer to him than before. I wanted to hear his voice.

I remember my breathing hitching at the thought of that. Making eye contact with him did something to my insides. I know about butterflies, but I had not felt them in a long time before that point, even in the year that followed.

Before I made any sort of move, I would catch him bashfully smiling down at his feet and his dancing had mellowed out as he became completely aware of me.

The luck I had that night was unparalleled.

I didn’t want to directly interrupt him while he was with his friends, but I wasn’t able to help it any longer. As I stood still, surrounded by dancing bodies, I tilted my head to one side, softly smiling as I signalled him with my index finger for him to come to me, my other hand nestled in the pocket of my jeans. I finished drinking for the night. I didn’t need any more alcohol. I needed my hands.

Hyungwon’s dancing steadily stopped as he realized that I was motioning to him, and after a few seconds of processing his thoughts, he nodded. He spoke with his friends, telling them that he was stepping away. I was worried that he was telling them that he would be right back, because I didn’t want him to go back. Not so soon, please.

We exchanged names. I decided to tell him my real name, rather than keep my identity completely unknown. We hardly spoke that night because we couldn’t hear each other, but I can remember how much I enjoyed hearing his grainy, boyish sounding voice when we managed to. I wasn’t shocked by the fact that he was slightly taller than me, though he stood extremely lean. I swear that I could even toss him over my shoulder if he would let me.

“I hope that this isn’t going to make you uncomfortable,” I started as I leaned into him to speak into his ear, “because it’s not my intention. Tell me to back off if you want me to, but I’m going to make something clear. I am attracted to you,” I had expressed with more confidence than I thought I would have for something that I had never dared to do in my life.

The act of speaking it into existence made me even harder.

Hyungwon’s head slowly backed up and away from mine, though his body did not move back in any type of misunderstanding, which was a good sign for me. He blinked instead. I remember holding my breath in, waiting for his reply. He took a good silent look at my face, as if he were engraving my features into his mind, before he subtly looked down either at his feet, or the bulge in my pants.

Hyungwon panicked as he stepped even closer towards me, looking from side to side, as if he were trying to hide it with his body. I’ve seen others at LUCID not caring about theirs, but Hyungwon was modest. I liked that. However, he had it accidentally rubbing against his leg, and it only made things worse for me and a lot more obvious for him. Before I knew it, my leg was in between his. I looked up at him, smiling. At least he did a good job at hiding it.

I looked back down to my side to find his hand reaching for my wrist, his dancing with mine before he gently grabbed a hold and decidedly moved it so that my hand was resting flat on his waist. My heart had been thrumming in my chest. I wasn’t expecting for that to become real, a feasible option at the end of the night.

“I wouldn’t have walked over here if I wasn’t comfortable,” he confirmed.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As fit as Wonho is on the outside, his vulnerability shows easily. It doesn’t take a whole lot to figure out what he’s feeling. I can see shame in the way he keeps his eyes locked on his shoes, fear in the way he walks so close to me that our arms touch, and anger in the way that he squeezes his free hand into a fist.

The biggest give away were his sad eyes, the same expression that was on his face when I first laid eyes on him outside of The Laconic.

When I opened the double doors to let Wonho out of the building, the first thing I saw were the lights from the cop car before it drove away with the shadow of a person shuffling in the back seat. I realized that Kihyun was right. The majority of the customers that were in the large public room we were in were hanging around the entrance, smoking and gossiping about what they had seen inside. Their conversations quickly died down when they noticed Wonho and I exiting.

Their eyes were mainly on Wonho. They must all know who he is, and the sort of things that he’s pulled in the past, according to Kihyun. I have no idea what his past was like, and I refuse to assume anything, but what I do know now is that all I want to do is get him out of here, away from their sharp eyes and to the hospital as soon as possible to close up the gaping wound on his eyebrow.

“This way,” I signalled with my head as we turned a corner, and he quickly followed. Once we were free of peoples stares, I noticed that his walking slowed down significantly, so I began to walk at his pace. I heard him exhale deeply. I side-glanced at him before asking, “are you okay?”

“Mh,” Wonho nodded, his lips pushed together into a straight line while his eyes avoided mine. I don’t believe him but we were so close to the car, I didn’t want to slow down or stop the progress.

I nodded regardless, seeing as how nothing more was being said. The night got colder. I had not put on my jacket yet, so I shrugged it on with both arms. The heat from all of the adrenaline that kept me warm had dispersed, but luckily, we arrived at the car. I unlocked it and opened the passenger side for Wonho, who looked at me before entering, as if to see if I could be trusted. Understandable. After all, he didn’t know me.

I smiled reassuringly, nodding, and he entered. 

After slamming the door shut, I took long strides around to get to the driver’s side and as the door closed, we were in momentary silence as the outside was muted before I put the key in the ignition. I kept the radio at a low hum in the background with calm music, which I find suiting for this time of night, or else I would have just turned it off.

Before I began the drive, I noticed that Wonho seemed a little intrigued by the red LED lighting emanating from my car’s dashboard, as well as near his feet. He looked impressed by the work that I had put into my car, though he said nothing about it. I smirked before I pulled out of the parking space.

He began to reach for the sun visor above him, clearly looking for a mirror.

“Are you sure you want to see it?” I warned him before he pulled it down.

He chuckled. “I want to see the reason why you think me going to the hospital is necessary.”

I remained quiet, not arguing against it as I kept my eyes forward. But I decided to peek over at him at a stop sign to see his reaction. He cringed, I think from the sight more so than the pain. The majority of the blood had dried down his face, as well as on his wound given that it was already healing, though it kept coming from the severity of the cut. The look on Wonho’s face says that he had not been expecting for it to be as bad as he thought it was, but he said nothing as he placed the towel back on his eyebrow before returning the sun visor back into place, the light turning off with it. He was quiet for some time after, but he broke the silence himself.

“Can you do me a favor?” he muttered.

“Sure,” I said, though I wanted to say that it depended as I always do.

“Don’t tell my boss what I said to Minhyuk. If he knew that I was redirecting his clientele behind the scenes to his other dolls, he would—”

“You don’t have to explain,” I cut him off. “I’ve seen the type of man he is. I won’t say a word.”

“Thank you,” he muttered.

My curiosity got the best of me as I began to ask, “are you and Minhyuk—” but found that my voice trailed off, wanting to know where they stood with each other but I know that it wasn’t my place to ask. They seemed close. 

Wonho shook his head. “He’s my dongsaeng, a very good friend that I could never let anything bad happen to in that place. The majority of the clients he gets treat him with respect, and Min loves his job, he’ll tell you that himself. Minhyuk is such a happy carefree person, and I admire him for that. But if I didn’t filter out those that don’t, you can tell—”

“Tell what?” I prompted curiously after he hesitated.

“—that the men who enter his room were not as kind to him as he is to them,” he explained with a slight change in the tone of his voice. He was protective.

I mulled over this information. “But don’t the customers have to come in with appointments already set? Doesn’t that mess everything up?”

“They do, and it does, but I have a way with changing their minds, persuading them to switch with someone else, changing up the schedules.”

“That’s very sly of you,” I smirked. “Does it actually work?”

“Sometimes it goes smoothly, other times, it doesn’t.”

“Does this explain why your boss has it out for you?”

Wonho’s lips pursed. “Truthfully, maybe fifty percent of the reason,” he sighed. “But I would honestly much rather risk my job than have Min go home crying again in spite of the smile he puts on after a session and at the end of a night. I have the tendency to always call him out on his bullshit.”

I understand now.

“I won’t say a word,” I repeated, meaning it.

Wonho turned his gaze from me and back to the road ahead, resting the back of his head on the seat. He looks more comfortable now, which puts me at ease and less on edge.

Before making a turn into the hospital, I gazed at the time and notice that it’s nearing two in the morning. My birthday had already ended a while ago.

“Are you ready?” I asked after killing the engine. Looking at him now, he looked a little weaker and significantly more tired, his eyes half open. It could be from how late it is, but it could also be from the blood loss.

Wonho’s cheeks puffed as he exhaled an audible breath, his eyes widening. “I haven’t been to a hospital in years,” his voice came out raspy. “I guess I’m worried about the stitches. It all hit me just now.”

“I’ll come inside with you if you want me to,” I said, not thinking before I said it.

He nodded, not stopping me. I took note of this.

After waiting in line quietly trying to get Wonho checked in, we were guided to a busy area given that his injury was controlled. He was a number in line, just like the others who sat around us. I realized that it’s in this moment, now that we've entered the waiting room of the hospital, that I didn’t know what to do from here. I took out my wallet and I instinctively began to take money out, “this is for the taxi once you’re ready to go home.”

He didn’t take it. Instead, Wonho’s eyes shot to mine, abruptly alert and wide-eyed. His hands flew to my arm, gently holding on to it. “Don't go. Please keep me company. I don't want to be alone here.”

This reaction tugged at me. I can’t say no to that.

I nodded, and he led me to sit down. After a while of sitting next to each other without saying a word, I noticed that his leg was moving up and down rapidly as he sat sunken in his chair with legs spread apart, a nervous habit that I had picked up on almost immediately.

I should probably distract him somehow, I guess. “Wonho-ah, I know you’re the bartender,” I began, “but are you also considered a doll?”

He shook his head, his leg continuing to shake, though there is a hint of a smile on his lips. Even with this, his voice comes out cool and confident. “No, I’m not a doll. I don’t get any clients, and I don’t fit the image,” he admitted.

“You really don’t,” I agreed.

“But I noticed that you didn’t seem that interested in the men there,” he said point-blank as he changed the focus of the conversation from him to me. He sat pulling at the ends of his sleeves up and over his pale knuckles as it covered the majority of his veiny hands. He did that in the car while he was speaking about Minhyuk. It makes me want to know what other habits he has, why they even exist, and what they communicate.

I shook my head. “It’s not that I’m not into men, because I am.” I’m taken aback by his forward nature.

Wonho gave me a look, as if he were confused at first about something, though it looked to have made sense after a few seconds. He eyed me suspiciously and then concluded with a hushed, “you’ve never been with a man before.” It wasn’t a question.

My mouth opened and then closed. “How can you tell?”

The fidgeting of his sleeves ceased as he began to whisper. “In all the time that I’ve worked at The Laconic, I’ve seen many men come in and out. I can tell their skill level by the way they go and present themselves, by the way they act, how they speak, their eye contact, their confidence, but most of all, their eagerness to get pleased. You turned down Minhyuk, one of the most sought-after dolls at The Laconic. And let’s just say that Min doesn’t get turned down. Usually, everyone comes in asking for him, but you couldn’t care less. I know that I was busy at the other end of the bar, but your conversation was close enough for me to cue in to that much.” 

I feel exposed.

“I guess you can say that it’s all new to me, but the interest has always been there,” I admitted. Wonho didn’t say anything to this, but he listened instead, waiting for something more to follow. His eyes suddenly looked empathetic. My eyes fell to the ground, but I can see his gentle gaze from my peripheral vision. I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to let him down for some strange reason that goes beyond comprehension. “I liked a man recently, a year ago. It was very brief, but I haven’t been able to get him out of my mind since,” I finally acknowledged out loud for the first time.

Wonho’s leg stopped shaking as he turned his body on his chair to completely face me, and then we made eye contact.

“I don’t want to make things awkward, but I want to ask you a question.”

“Ask,” I deadpanned.

At first, he hesitated. “Have you and him—” he couldn’t continue.

“Had sex?” I finished for him in a low murmur meant only for his ears.

He nodded slowly. I can tell that Wonho was looking for a yes or no, straight to the point, no beating around the bush answer.

“No,” I confirmed. A few seconds pass as I deliberated how much I should say going forward because he seems to have a way of getting information out of me regardless. Before I knew it, words began to spill from my lips without a second thought attached to them. I realized that I was holding my breath in, before I let it out with the next words, “I only ever had that one experience, but it didn’t get the chance to go as far as that.” I am finally letting myself feel the feelings that I had put aside for a year, allowing myself to indulge in those memories that go hand-in-hand with them. This is giving me a warm feeling. I think I’m smiling. I feel a little dazed. I must be tired to be this much of an open book.

“Who was he?” Wonho finally asked.

“He was someone I met a year ago today.”

Wonho’s head tilted. “How do you remember it was a year ago today?”

“Because it was my birthday when I met him, well, technically after midnight.” Wonho’s eyebrows raised, but he waited until I was done speaking to say anything about it. “Around this time, actually,” I finished as I glanced at the time on my phone and then back at him, feeling the smile this time hit my eyes. I was trying to hide behind it. I don’t want him to question me any further but at this rate, I’m in danger of answering anything he was curious about if he did. I never got myself a therapist in these past few years, though I’m hyper-aware that I’ve needed one, because then this conversation would not be happening. I heard bartenders are the closest thing.

He wished me a happy birthday, and I thanked him as we established that I am his hyung. “Do you regret anything from that night?” Wonho asked boldly.

Fuck.

I regret saying no to him.

I regret leaving him.

I regret not calling him.

I licked my bottom lip, suddenly flooded by memories that make me sick to my stomach from one of the greatest nights of my life. It was a night where I was a complete stranger to the world, even if I felt more like myself in those hours than I did at any other point in my entire life. I want to go back to that. A lump briefly formed in my throat at the thought that I haven’t felt like myself since then, how I’ve felt empty ever since I ghosted him because I’ve never been the type to. But, how do I? I chose to go to The Laconic rather than LUCID. Why?

Maybe because I’m still afraid. Or perhaps I’m self-sabotaging. Or maybe even both. I wanted to feel something tonight, that’s all I know. But to have felt it again with Hyungwon would have been euphoric and I wouldn’t have wanted to leave him again. Or maybe he disappeared after that night ended.

But I still have his number. He still exists.

“I regret a lot,” I finally admitted without divulging too much. “I was in a bad headspace that night, just like tonight, and I wanted an escape. I was prone to bad decisions. I thought that I was saving myself from making a bad decision, but I had made one anyways.”

Wonho sat back on his chair.

“What made him so special to you?”

A hard-hitting question yet again.

I cleared my throat, the following words coming in slow as I entered a pensive state of mind. “He wasn’t looking for sex—” Wonho’s eyebrows twitched at this before I continued, “—but I was that night. We were at a club, and that was what people usually encountered. I thought I had been ready for my first time with a man, and I was actively looking for it there, but it all panned out differently. It was different, refreshing. I liked it. No one in my life knows about this side of me. And I don’t normally put myself out there very often because I know that my attraction to men is a lot more prominent than it is for women, but the one time that I was looking for sex, I found someone more my taste for the first time. It caught me completely off guard.”

I thought that maybe that’s enough talking for me.

“I hope that you see him again one day,” he gently said as he leaned into me so that no one would hear. He then returned back to his usual position.

I inhaled deeply as I looked up at the ceiling before exhaling. I couldn’t look Wonho in the eyes in this moment, but he has no idea that he had unlocked all that’s been stuck in my chest. The sharp pain caused by anxiety disappeared and I feel like I can breathe again.

I wonder how long this will last.

“This will stay between us. I won’t out you,” Wonho promised without being asked to. He then found my hand on my lap with his free hand, the other still holding the small towel to his wound. His palm rested on the backside of my hand as his fingers curled into my palm. At first, it had just been a friendly shake of mine, but then I noticed that his hand was very cold, and I suddenly had the urge to warm them up with mine. I would have stopped myself, but it was too late. I looked down at it, and both of my hands suddenly turned his hand over so that his palm was facing upwards and I let both of my hands swallow his up. I’ve been known to have a naturally warm body, and I’m sure that Wonho would say that about me too, but he seems speechless.

“It’s cold, your hand,” I excused myself. I can tell that we garnered a few curious stares from those who were waiting to see a doctor just as we are. No one here knows who I am just like at the club.

No one knows my name except for Wonho.

Tonight, I can be a nobody to everyone else just like that night a year ago.

This realization just hit me.

I cleared my throat as my head turned to his, meeting with unblinking eye contact. “Pull away if this isn’t okay and I’ll never do it again,” I said under my breath. I wait for his reply, worried that I might have crossed a line, but I also didn’t want to risk feeling the pain in my chest again.

Wonho pried his eyes from mine as he turned his head, his expression changing into a straight-face. He stared straight ahead at nothing. All I can hear in this instant is my heart beating in my ears as I waited.

Wonho didn’t move his hand.

I nodded my head, acknowledging this as my hands briefly yet gently tightened around his.

“Number 31,” a woman behind the counter called out.

“That’s me,” he said as he looked down at the paper resting on his lap and then back at me. He looked at me as if it was my decision now to release his hand, so I did. We both rose from our seats, the eyes of strangers following us until I stopped him at the door leading to the doctor.

“I can wait there if you want,” I said, pointing back at the waiting room.

He shook his head. “Come,” he murmured, expressionless, calmly this time.

The way he’s looking at me isn’t the same as earlier. If I could describe it in any way, it looks like he’s seeing me in a different light. As if his eyes and views on me had adjusted a little after our conversation. He really isn’t hard to read.

When we entered the office, we were greeted by a young female doctor who had begun her work right away. I sat on a chair just off to the side of the bed that Wonho was laying down on. She peeled the towel off of the wound, cleaned and sterilized it along with the various other cuts he received throughout his face, numbed the large gash with a needle, and then brought out the tools that she would use to stitch it closed. Wonho’s eyes widened in shock as he looked at them from the other side of the bed.

“Hey,” I said, grabbing his attention. His head turned to face me and saw that I had my hand held out, palm up. Wonho looked at it and didn’t hesitate to grab a hold, bringing it to rest on his chest. This time, he was the one to hold mine with both of his. As I expected, they were cold, but were warmed up in no time by my one hand. The doctor eyed this for less than a second, and rather than grimace at it like every other person in the waiting room, a grin appeared on her lips as she continued her work, not bothered by this.

He went through the whole stitching process with his eyes closed. Wonho would occasionally tighten the grip, cringing at the pressures he would feel from time to time. But as long as he was okay, I was okay sitting there with him.

“Your skin is going to bruise up quite a bit with time, but don't be alarmed, I'll give you ice before you leave. And you’re going to have a large scar on your eyebrow once it’s all healed,” she explained, breaking the silence. “The lesion was pretty extensive.”

Wonho grinned, looking happy about it. “That’s okay, I don’t mind.”

I rolled my eyes up.

Once the stitching was done and properly wrapped up, it took us no time to get out of the hospital and back to my car with an ice pack to his head. “How are you feeling now?” I asked just as I pulled the car out of the lot, the dashboard showing me that it was four in the morning. It’s later than I thought.

“I’m okay now,” Wonho said as he leaned his head on the seat.

“Where’s home?” I asked as I began to set up the GPS.

From my peripheral, I saw his head turn to face me while it remained resting on the seat. “Shownu-hyung—” he began.

“Yeah?” I replied.

“Why did you stay with me at the hospital? You could have said no.”

I took a few seconds to think about my answer. “Because you asked me to.”

“So, if I asked you to take me to your place tonight, what would you say?”


	3. Let Me Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It hurts,” he pointed with an open trembling hand at his face without touching it, “my head, I can’t sleep, it hurts too much on the inside and the outside,” his voice was low and stuttered, his face contorted in agony, and his muscles are tensed. Whatever pain medication that the doctor had given to him hours ago must have completely worn out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! OK so I know I said I'd get these chapters out within 7-14 days of each other, but comeback season held all of my technological devices hostage. If you're a MBB, you know how it goes, so I wasn't able to get this chapter out earlier. In spite of that, and I don't know HOW I did it, I've managed to make this chapter a little longer than the previous ones. 
> 
> You get a hint of Changkyun and Joohoney. They'll appear more frequently soon.
> 
> But also. Ahem. Shit happens. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

When I was young, I was quiet, often keeping things to myself. I grew into that behavior, not knowing that it would affect me in the future. I couldn’t truly talk to anyone, especially not to my parents, my eomma and appa. I grew up as an only child, and so all of their attention was constantly on me alone, and so were the pressures. I always had to do what they wanted me to do. Whenever I said no, or at least tried to, it just never counted, so I stopped arguing and just kept it to myself. Looking back on it now, I came to realize how truly toxic our family dynamics had been all this time. I began to grow bitter as I started to believe that it was not only a waste of their time and energy for me to oppose them, but of mine, as well. I ended up getting them the good grades that they wanted for me. I always had to go straight home after school to do my homework, have close to no video games and television time, and I had to spend what free time I had left with family on the weekends, which was always limited. It was difficult to free up my consistently full schedule to engage in other more conventional things that the other kids my age had been doing. I missed out on some of those key social interactions. My parents taught me that my very first priority should always be to do well in life, but that was based solely off of gaining an education. It’s that, and having the highest regard for manners. I had to always be at the top of my class in high school, followed by achieving a degree in university, and gaining even more education after that, in order to become something greater than the rest as my appa had always maintained in almost all of his small speeches to me. I had lived in an energetically draining household for many years with a family who have strived with inflated egos and superiority complexes.

I never really felt the weight of their demands and expectations until I entered high school. The first rule, and biggest one of all, that had been stressed to me before starting, was that dating girls was prohibited. Eomma would tell me that they would distract me from my studies, and she made sure that I followed her rules so that I would not anger appa, who was easily irritable all my life. All he ever knew about were my achievements given that he was rarely home because of work, but my mistakes, all of my major and minor slip ups, those were all filtered out and kept on file by my eomma, who often uses them out of spite when needed behind his back. This is why my appa is always obliviously proud of me, seemingly pleasant in nature when I come to visit them, laughing and smiling a lot. Everyone says that I have his tight-face smile, but also that my temperament is very unlike theirs. My eomma, she has a very hard personality, difficult to please and to simply be around depending on the company. But if it is with me, she is often in a state of perpetual scolding of either something that I had done a long time ago, or something that I could potentially do. This is because I demolished their rules when I entered university, and by then, I had close to no experience in life, and I was angry for a time with them for shutting me out from the world just to gain that success. It’s left me empty in the long run. Rich, but empty.

Even to this day, she hasn’t changed a bit, which is why I haven’t gone back to visit them in a long time. I try to go back to my old house out of curtesy to my appa once every month at least, but it’s rarely an enjoyable experience, so I call him behind her back every so often. It’s almost been a full month since my last visit with them, and to add on top of that, they are expecting me to come to them for my birthday, and not the other way around, like every other year.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m in shock that I had opened myself up completely to a stranger. I have never done that before. It doesn’t come easily for me, even with my current friends, even my ex-wife, and especially with my family. It has always been difficult for me to express myself fully. How could I let things spill out like that? But instead of it all erupting from years of suppression, a great portion of it that I had kept inside of me gently and quietly flowed out at a steady pace. As terrified as I was on the inside, I began to feel liberation and absolute relief.

Before I had answered Wonho’s question, I was already turning in the direction of my apartment, but I didn’t answer him right away. My words were caught in my throat from the abruptness of it all as he waited patiently for my answer. I can see him looking at me from my peripheral as I looked ahead.

“Why do you want to go to my place?” I finally spoke, genuinely curious.

After a moment of thought, he pursed his lips to the side as he shrugged his shoulders, his nose scrunching as his eyes fell back down to his hands, which are playing with his sleeves once again. “Aish,” he partially swore under his breath, “never mind.” He looks embarrassed now, clearly regretting it.

“I want to know.”

He shook his head. “No, no, forget it,” he continued, a little flustered now.

“If you don’t answer, I’ll just drive in circles if I have to.”

“M-My—” he stuttered, “—pain tolerance isn’t that high,” he muttered as he gazed out his window. “And I live alone, so there’s nobody to—” he paused for a few seconds. Was he scared to admit it?

“—take care of you?” I finished for him. He looked at me and nodded.

Wonho pouted as he spoke while avoiding eye contact. “I know that you don’t know me, but I feel more comfortable being with you than by myself.” He then looked at me and said, “I’m not trying to have a one-night stand, nothing like it if that’s what you’re thinking, that isn’t what it is.” He turned away again, “I just don’t want to be alone tonight.”

I hummed. “We’ll be there in twenty minutes, then.”

“Thank you,” he whispered.

The rest of the car ride was quiet. We were both too exhausted to speak. Once I turned off the music, that was when Wonho began to nod off to sleep only ten minutes before arriving while I tried hard not to. His head was rocking back and forth throughout turns and stops, his eyes unflinching, and that’s how I knew that he had passed out cold. I couldn’t help at times but to look at him.

When I killed the engine after parking the car in the large building garage, everything inside of it fell silent except for the deep and quiet inhales and exhales of Wonho’s breathing. If things were different, I wouldn’t even think of waking him. “Wonho-ah,” I called to him, voice heavy with sleep. He didn’t hear me. This time, I nudged his arm, repeating his name. He woke up slowly, but then all at once with a start as if he had forgotten he was in a car with me, until he saw my face. “We’re at my place, let’s go,” I said, and his features relaxed.

We both simultaneously yet sluggishly opened our doors and shut them, and the sound echoed. As I gaze over the car, I can see him stretching, letting out a strained sound from behind closed pursed lips as he did so, his arms up in the air and curved towards his head before they came back down to slap his sides. This seems to have woken him up a little. But now that the lighting was hitting his face and I got a clearer picture of him, I can see that the skin surrounding his stitching and on his nose was looking a lot more bruised up. It had started back in the hospital, but had increased significantly. The ice pack that he had been given after his time with the doctor had long become useless. 

When I saw this, I cringed, but I didn’t mean to. It just looks painful.

I made a mental note to get him an ice pack once upstairs.

I walked ahead of him as he quietly followed close behind. He watched as I push the eleventh-floor button, and we continued not to speak the entire way up. He looks sleepy again as the elevator hummed, his eyes half open as they stared at nothing in particular. Once we arrived, we made a left turn and the entrance is right there. My apartment isn’t a big one, just a bachelor pad with a small open concept living room and kitchen area with a separate bedroom. Nothing in it was decorated like any other inhabited modern apartment, everything is simple. The wooden paneled flooring is grey and the walls are painted white, and nothing hung on it. I may make a lot of money, but this is all I needed at this point in my life. I turned on the dim lighting, and the kitchen is seen at the immediate entrance. I watched as Wonho’s eyes naturally yet lazily gazed around.

“Here,” I said, bringing my hand to his leather jacket that he was removing, “I’ll hang it in here,” I said as I pointed to the closet to the right. He took off his shoes when I took mine off, and I gave him slippers to wear. “Do you want a glass of water?”

“Mh,” Wonho said. I opened the fridge to retrieve the water, but also opened the freezer to get an icepack. I poured the water first into a glass and handed it to him, and then I wrapped up the ice pack in a thin towel so it wasn’t too cold to the touch.

“Here,” I extended my arm.

“No, I already put ice before, I don’t need it,” he protested, shaking his head.

Air escaped my nose as I grinned. “Yes, you do. Please take it,” I said as I held it out to him. I can be just as stubborn, maybe even more if I care enough.

He gazed down at the ice pack with a hint of frustration on his face, but ended up thanking me as he took it. Wonho put the ice pack to his face, but it wasn’t on the correct spot where it needed to be the most. “Let me help you,” I said as I brought my hand to his but before touching, I asked, “may I?” He nodded, and my hand went to lightly guide his to where it needs to be.

“I’ll give you extra clothing tomorrow. There’s blood on yours,” I pointed out with my eyes at the splashes all over his once white t-shirt. “Let me just get you something to sleep in first,” I said as I turned off the dim kitchen lights before leading him to the right and into my bedroom. I watched as his eyes wandered once again. It was yet another simple room. Nothing on the walls. Just a bed that was situated over to the other end of the entrance, two bedside tables with lamps on it, a large couch below the window to the left of the bed that I use at times to review my work, and just one closet that I keep everything in on the opposite end. The only lights that turned on in the room were the bedside lamps, which were dim as well. I opened the closet to retrieve a clean towel and handed it to him. “You should shower,” I said. “Don’t worry about the time, you’re more than welcome to sleep in tomorrow. I’ll be doing the same.”

Wonho didn’t say anything, though he nodded to this. He looked very drowsy, and I would rather him sleep as soon as possible, but it's best that he doesn't sleep with dried blood on him. I showed Wonho where the bathroom was, telling him to feel free to use the toothpaste, before closing the door on him. I realized that I hadn’t given him the clothing yet, so I waited. I suddenly thought about how he must be feeling with the stitches in the shower, whether it was hurting him, or if it was getting wet.

As a distraction from my thoughts, I sat on the couch looking through my phone, reviewing the missed text messages and calls from earlier, until Wonho emerges from the bathroom. 

**Changkyun (10:06pm):** Hey man, I know that tomorrow is for your birthday and you didn’t want to make it a big deal and I know you only wanted to keep it low-key and between us three but

 **Changkyun (10:07pm):** Are you cool with me bringing someone?

 **Appa (10:50pm):** Did you call your eomma today? I just got home and she seems to be upset with you again.

 **Jooheon (11:33pm):** What’s good, what’s good? We still on for tomorrow?

 **Appa (11:42pm):** Happy birthday, son. I was too busy with work to call today.

 **Jooheon (11:59pm):** Did you talk to Changkyun by any chance? He said he wanted to ask you something. Said you didn’t get back to him yet.

 **Jooheon (12:07am):** I know that you suck with social media, but can you, at the very least, reply so we know you’re alive lol.

 **Changkyun (12:10am):** What’s the hold up, man?

 **Changkyun (12:10am):** You ALWAYS do this on your birthday.

 **Jooheon (12:25am):** MISSED CALL

 **Jooheon (12:25am):** Hyung what the fuck lmao.

 **Changkyun (12:47am):** For fucksake. Fine. I’m bringing a plus one. Stay mad.

 **Jooheon (1:05am):** Hyung, if you grabbed a honey tonight and are getting laid as I send this, good for you, I’ll be proud of you if that’s the case.

 **Jooheon (1:05am):** I totally won’t be upset that you are completely IGNORING our texts. No big deal. You do you. I see how it is. I see you.

 **Jooheon: (1:05am):** And yes, we will both hold this against you tomorrow. (:

I exhaled.

 **ME to Jooheon (4:54am):** Okay.

I placed my phone back into my pocket the moment that Wonho came out of the bathroom. He walked in with a towel wrapped snug around his waist with his bandage still in place, and a bare torso. He was much more muscular and broader than I had thought, though he has his abs covered with his soiled bunched-up clothing.

“Where should I—” he asked, holding the clothing up a bit. I told him to toss it on the floor at a corner of the room to deal with it whenever we woke up, to not worry about it now. I got up to give him sleep clothing, loose grey track pants and a black muscle tank top. They fit him well. In turn, I dressed in something similar. I went to the bathroom to change and to brush my teeth, but mainly to give him privacy, and then returned once he was done.

“What’s the sleeping arrangement,” he asked as he was near the couch, and I was standing on the opposite side of the bed near the bathroom entrance.

“I’ll sleep on the couch, you take the bed. You’ve had a rough night, so try and get some good sleep.”

“But it’s your bed, you should take it,” he protested yet again. As we spoke, I went to get some extra blankets and a pillow for the couch.

“I don’t mind the couch,” I shrugged. “I’ve passed out on it too many times to count. You had a really tough night. I’ll be okay,” I smiled reassuringly.

“Are you positive?” His eyes were half closed again.

“Yes,” I said with mock exasperation, “please get in. I’ll turn off the lights. But before I do, I want to ask, how is your head feeling?”

“It started to sting a little, but the medication is working. I’m not feeling nearly as much pain as I did before.”

I nodded. “Good.”

Wonho did as I said and hopped into the bed. I turned off the lights and made my way to the couch surprisingly without bumping into anything given that there was absolutely no light. The blackout blinds blocking the window doesn’t allow any to come in, even during the day. I’m sure he’ll sleep peacefully now.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something woke me up. I feel disoriented from lack of sleep, but it was a sound that I wasn’t used to. I couldn’t see anything except for the time on the clock on top of the side table between the couch and the bed. It’s almost nine-thirty in the morning, and a sliver of grey light can be seen from the curtain’s edges.

What woke me was the sound of sniffles, the kind where it sounds like a stuffed nose, as if that person had been crying for a long time. I was suddenly alert, recalling that Wonho was there, in my bed, and though I waited, not moving, I listened to see if it would stop after at least five minutes but it didn’t. In fact, it sounded like it was getting worse as his breathing was beginning to tremble with it. But all of it was hushed, and I can tell that he was trying to be as quiet as he could possibly be, but I can hear him and the longer I waited, the worse I felt.

“Wonho-ah,” I called out with a neutral tone, not whispering, and suddenly the sniffling stopped. I think I startled him, but I can tell that he is still crying. I got up from the couch, warned him that I was going to turn on the lamp closest to me, and sat down on the bed at his side. He had his back turned to me at first as I asked, “what’s wrong?” He then turned his body around to reveal his face. His bruises look darker in the lighting and his cheeks are damp with tears.

“It hurts,” he pointed with an open trembling hand at his face without touching it, “my head, I can’t sleep, it hurts too much on the inside and the outside,” his voice was low and stuttered, his face contorted in agony, and his muscles are tensed. Whatever pain medication that the doctor had given to him hours ago must have completely worn out.

“Why didn’t you tell me this? I could have helped you.”

“You helped me so much already. I didn’t want to be a bother to you. I would go myself but I didn’t want to wake you,” he sniffled again, his face blotchy and red.

“But isn’t that why you asked to stay? ‘Low pain tolerance’ were your words,” I reminded him. The corners of his lips fell into a frown. He’s upset, so I softened my voice. “Where did you put the medication that you got before you left. I can go get it.”

“I-in my j-jacket pocket,” he stuttered.

Ah. It’s in the front closet near the entrance. Now I see why.

I stood up and made my way out of the room and towards the entrance. When I found his leather jacket, I mindlessly dug my hand into one of his pockets even though the medication wasn’t there given that I’m half-asleep. As I shuffled in the pocket quickly, my fingers touch something cold and round. I was curious and took it out to examine. It’s a thin yet wide silver ring. With both hands, I carefully rotated it and saw a small circular handle sticking out of it. It looked delicate. I naturally tilt my head with curiosity, never having seen a ring like this before. Suddenly, I recall why I am here and I hurriedly put the ring back before successfully finding the medication bag in the other. I returned to the room with a glass of water at hand as well to find him now sitting with his back flat against the pillow that was leaning against the headboard. He was still crying just as much, his eyes puffy, and his expression just the same. Exhaustion is plain on his face, and I don’t blame him after what he had gone through.

I round the bed and place the water on the table before ripping the small paper bag to remove the medication from it. I twisted the cap off, carefully poured a potent pain killer tablet into his palm, and handed him the water with my free hand. “It’ll take a bit for it to kick in,” I began as he drank his water, “but you’ll be able to sleep once it does.”

Once done, he set the cup on the table. Before Wonho could say anything, his phone that was right beside the glass, began to vibrate. He had an incoming call. I went on to grab it for him, though before I immediately handed him the phone, I saw that it was Kihyun calling. I pretended like I didn’t see. Wonho held onto his phone, looked at the caller ID for a few seconds with thick pursed lips, before silencing the call completely. He then placed the phone back onto the counter. His reaction to the call was interesting, especially towards one’s boss.

I got up from the bed and headed to the couch, but instead of laying back down on it, I began to fold the blankets. “Hyung,” Wonho called out, voice flat. 

I hummed, pausing my movement as I looked at him. “Can you lay down with me this time? Just so I can fall asleep,” he explained, his expression flinching from the pain, eyes glistening, though he was no longer sobbing. 

“I can do that.” I turned to place the blanket flat on the couch and then walked over to him. I turned off the light and as I did that, he moved himself over to the side and quickly fixed both of the pillows so that they were flat and side by side, one for me and one for him respectively. I entered the covers, and I laid down on my back, as was he on his.

It dawned on me that this is the first time that I’m in a bed with another man. I can feel my heart in my chest. The beats weren’t fast, but they felt big. After a few minutes of gazing up at the ceiling, Wonho broke the silence. “Shownu,” he said my name, but this time, there was something much softer in the way he called to me compared to the rest. I bowed my head slightly to the side to show that I was listening. It took him a few seconds, but rather than him using his words, he communicated with his actions instead as he softly grabbed my wrist and gently swung my arm until his neck was resting on it. He then took my other hand which, given his next move, had my body mechanically following his as he turned to his side. My chest was unexpectedly pressed to his back now.

I felt my eyebrows twitch, taken aback by this silent request of his to be held. After having gradually placed my hand flat on his waist, I can feel his body relax underneath it, as if he trusts it. I came to understand that Wonho doesn’t snore, but the sound of his breathing getting heavier as he fell deeper into sleep was soothing enough to lull me back to sleep.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I woke up, I kept my eyes half-closed. I felt no need to rush out of bed or to do the things that I usually did in the morning, though I’m pretty sure that it’s early afternoon by now even though it's dark in the room. In spite of the fact that my back is turned towards the blinds, I know that the only source of light is coming from its sides. My mind is feeling hazy with sleep still, but I can tell that something feels different. Thankfully, it seems that the medication had worked for Wonho given that he was sleeping heavily and peacefully with slow and steady breaths. No more pain for now from the looks of it. However, as I slowly came to, I realized that I had woken up in a slightly different position than the one that I had fallen asleep in. This time, my arms were completely enveloping his upper body in a full embrace, the one arm no longer underneath his neck like it had been, but underneath his side and my forehead is touching the nape of his neck. I noticed that beneath the covers, our legs had been tangled together, and then I raised my head only to realize that Wonho’s ass was leaning right up against my pelvic area. When did this all happen?

And then, in a panic, I realize that I am hard. Really fucking hard.

I knew that any sudden movement of my body would alert him to this fact and so I find myself frozen with blood rushing up to my face as I wondered what I should do now. His body was heavy on my arm and his ass is big and not easily avoidable from the position that we’re in. I slowly rest my head back down on the pillow after examining the situation and concluding that there is no way in hell that I’m getting out of this one without getting even remotely noticed. And once he’s awake, it would be difficult for him not to.

I waited, and I don’t know how long I was waiting for, but the sensation was getting progressively intense as my mind wandered and it was driving me crazy as he slept entirely unaware of the struggle that I was being put through. At the beginning, all that I wanted to do was to detach myself physically from him and to let him sleep a while longer, but that gradually changed. I began to feel like I was about to be selfish. Is it wrong of me to want more? I’ve never been this close to another man before, but if not now, then when will I get the chance to be after this? I didn’t want to wake him, but at the same time, I couldn’t help but to let my free hand hover above his waist, hesitating just before it slowly lowered to grasp it, softly yet firmly squeezing it. All of a sudden, I heard his breathing hitch and then stop. He had woken up and after that, every small movement that he made felt big and magnified to me. It was all about hyper-sensitivity now, as if I were exposed to every little detail about him and in return, he was exposed to mine. I wonder if he could feel my heart hammering on his back. I’m pretty sure he can.

I said fuck being reserved last night. Why stop, now?

Wonho’s hands, which were both resting languidly on the bed, were brought towards my forearm that was resting beneath his side as it wrapped around him completely, silently showing me that he was aware. I then pushed myself up deliberately against him to test the waters, my shaft rubbing against his lower back and bottom. He made the smallest of sounds, and oh fuck, this sound instantaneously drove me insane. I dug my face into his neck in response to it, breathing out deeply through my nose, mouth closed shut, jaw clenched. He reacted with a squeeze of my arm, and I couldn’t help but to hold him tighter. My other hand, the one holding on to his waist, now has the freedom to roam around unfamiliar territory, drifting from being above his tank top, to just beneath it as I let it casually linger up his chest, palm open and fingers spread out as I felt just how well-defined his muscles are. I let it go all the way up, raising the top he’s wearing with it as my hand went and seized his entire neck. I have never done that before, not to anyone before him, and I had the sudden urge to gauge his interests with it, to see what he likes and doesn’t like, what his limits are. First, I was gentle. And then, I steadily tightened my grip on his neck, and he wasn’t protesting against it as his head fell back over my shoulder, almost as if he were surrendering as he pushed back against me with his entire body, trying to get closer than he already is. He began to grind, slow yet wide circular motions. A natural response. He extended his arm down my side until his hand landed on my hip, squeezing my skin every so often. Wonho seems to like this, so I took note of it, along with everything else. Whenever all of those tiny sounds escape him, I find that I have the tendency to grab a fist-full of his shirt because of how unbearable it is to hold back all of my impulses. Though one minor impulse that I let slip was the want to kiss him on the side of his neck, needing to make it last, finding his most sensitive points.

Wonho’s entire body language was screaming at me to keep going.

My hand slowly released his neck and left his shirt, lingering at the bottom, hesitating between the hem line of the tank top and the waist band of the track pants he has on. But what next? I’ve never done this before. I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to beat faster than it already had been before. 

I start to wonder if he’s ever done it with another man.

Do I even have lube just in case?

Yes. I do. It’s in the drawer on the side table closest to me. I had bought it last year when I thought I would bring someone home from LUCID but never did.

I can’t think of him right now. Not now, please.

God, I have no idea what I’m doing.

I decide to play around with his waist band for a moment, prolonging this feeling as much as possible. I don’t want this to pass by too quickly. At his hip, I went and dipped my fingers in, stretching the band even further as my hand slowly but gradually moved to the front. The hand that he has gripping my arm flinched, squeezing my skin. With that and with one hand, my hand emerged from inside of his pants, only to abruptly grip onto the waist band and wedge it down. He lifted himself to assist me as I managed to pull it only halfway down his legs given that my actions were limited, and his shaft flicked out. My hand went to immediately cup it, and I was no longer holding back.

My hand slowly began moving down and up towards his chest, feeling every convulsive shudder that his body would make the longer I kept at it. He was very quiet at first. The arm that I have under him had made its way up into a more comfortable position under his neck after I shifted my body upwards the slightest bit to better position myself. That same arm is pinning his shoulders secured to my chest, making sure that he didn’t move nearly as much, but then he unexpectedly bit my arm. I wasn’t expecting that to happen, but this had my face nuzzle the side of his neck as I kept at it, just a little faster this time. Let’s say that the bite became a motivator. His first moan was heard, and I couldn’t help but to increase the speed just a little more until I heard it again, and again, and again. The control I have over a man like Wonho feels so satisfying, more so than any girl that I had ever fucked in my entire life. It was addicting, though I made the deliberate decision to steadily slow my pace to a stop. We were both breathless, heaving in air, though a big part of that for me was because of the adrenaline that’s coursing through my body.

As I twisted my body as much as I can to reach the drawer, I saw that Wonho’s phone was lighting up, and pop-ups were appearing with visible text messages on it. His phone had been set on silent with a handful of missed calls. I gaze at Wonho, and saw that he wasn’t looking. I quickly picked up the phone and took a peak at it to see if it was an emergency, whether he was needed.

 **Kihyun (9:54am):** I hope you’re being good.

 **Kihyun (1:20pm):** Call me. NOW.

I feel my eyes narrow indignantly at these text messages. What the fuck?

Wonho began to shuffle, trying to look back at me and what I was doing, but then I quickly put the phone down noiselessly before opening the drawer to retrieve lube and a condom. I close it shut and bring my body back to the way it was, kissing him on the neck to distract him. I stopped to place the unopened wrapper between my teeth to free up my hand so that I could remove my pants and boxers, leaving myself exposed to him now. Wonho’s hand then wandered behind him, not looking as I bit and ripped the condom wrapper open, and he surprisingly grabbed a hold of me with his entire hand. His moan came out low and raspy, and I can tell that he was smiling, even though I didn’t do a single thing to him. I know that he wants to do more, but I was here first.

I smirked.

With a firm grip, I held onto his hand and removed it from my length and brought it all the way to where my other hand is, and so I loosely held onto his wrist. I’ve had enough practice putting on a condom with one hand, and that was exactly what I did, and then things became a hell of a lot more real for me. 

I rested my hand on one ass cheek, and despite my strong urge to slap it, I decided not to. Instead, I caressed it until my index finger found his hole and when I did, the hand that I held hostage with my other hand began to squirm a bit. With the position that I was in, I couldn’t see what I was doing, though I continued to play with it, to stretch it little by little as I slowly went in and out. He was being calm and patient with me as I explored him. He knows that it’s my first time, after all. I started with one finger, but then it became two, and he didn’t seem as though he was in pain. The real test was when I held onto my length and began to push it through, very slowly at first until the tip was in. I was the one to groan this time, a husky sound that came from my chest, and would be heard again as I pierced him even more. He was really tight, but I don’t think that this is his first time, because the first little while didn’t seem to hurt him. With that, I twisted my arm to grab the lube that I had left behind me on the bed. I released his wrist to open up the bottle, removed my length from him just for a little bit, and poured a little on me before I spread it.

My heart needs to calm the fuck down right now.

When I went in for a second go, a quarter of my length slid right in. I can feel his ring tightening around me and all I could do is wrap both of my arms in a crisscross around him now, grasping onto his shoulders as I ease my way in and out, not entirely in yet, but working my way there. With almost every push, I can hear Wonho’s low and hoarse grunting. I’m shocked that those sounds send me even more so over the edge than the previous tiny noises that he had been making before. I need for him to do it again.

I kept up a solid pace as I entered and pulled back without completely leaving him, easing my way deeper in the process. I held his leg up with my hand as it flailed with the motion. Most of this is being done gently. He didn’t look to be in extreme pain, but I can still hear the struggle the deeper I go, especially in the times when I do occasionally thrust in. He would let out a pained groan whenever I dared to. 

“Hyung—ah, hyung,” he cried out with a hoarse tone when it hurt. Even though he didn’t say the word ‘stop’, I slowed down for his sake. “This isn’t my first time, but I’m not as experienced as you think,” he admitted in between gasps.

Instead of holding his shoulders back, I brought my free hand to his face and cupped his chin, caressing his cheeks before brushing his blonde hair back and away from his eyes, making sure that he was okay. All the while not stopping my pace. “I’ll go slow then, it’s okay, I’ll go slow,” I whispered reassurance as his head leaned back and over my shoulder once again. But no matter how slow I went, every time I feel like I’ve hit the end, I manage to go just a little deeper. I still haven’t made it to halfway.

But suddenly, I feel as though I’m going to come. Not yet. God, not yet. I know that this is my first time doing this and all but please, not yet. Neither of us are ready for that. I stopped for a few seconds, taking in deep breaths, feeling my length throbbing in him, dangerously close to coming. I’m trying with all I have to control this. I decided that a position change is needed. I slowly remove myself from him. He groaned just as I did. I then detach the arm that I have just underneath him before lifting myself up onto my knees, hovering above him as I grabbed a hold of his shoulder blade before turning him over and onto his stomach. His face turned to one side, and then I remembered his stitches.

Shit.

“Don’t lay your face on the pillow like that, you’ll hurt even more,” I warned him. I put my arm under his torso and scooped him up so that he was now on his hands and knees, with his willingness to move being a big help. Wonho is a big man. There is only so much that I could do when it comes to strength, despite being strong, myself.

Entering him was easier this time. After a while, his arms eventually collapsed, and he was now on his elbows trying his hardest not to faceplant the pillow in all of this movement. The various sounds that came out of his mouth were a mixture of grunted pain and moaned pleasure as he took me in little by little. At first, I can feel him clenching around me, making it difficult for me to go in and out effortlessly, but then his body relaxed with time.

I began to lose myself in him as I began thrusting with a little more force now, harder in spite of only being three quarters of the way in, but it was progress. Nothing before this could ever compare to what I’m feeling right now. This is euphoria at its best for me. I began to feel something wet, seeing white slick coming from his hole as I went in and out, sticking to him and I, making things just a little messy as I prolonged coming as long as I could handle, but I don’t think I could hold it any longer. I lean forward, my chest completely on his back now with one arm wrapped around his torso and the other hand holding onto his shaft, moving up and down, waiting for him to go first. He began to call out for me. “Hyung-ah, hm,” and before I knew it, I felt his body recoil, and warm liquid on my hand. Before his body could completely give way, I picked up the speed, feeling him clench around my shaft even more.

“Where should I,” I grunted.

“Inside,” he said so quickly and without any hesitation as if he had been waiting for me to ask. I nodded, and I did just that, giving him one last big thrust, and then my body carefully fell on top of his as we both panted for air. I was still inside of him, wanting to stay there for just a little while longer. Once our breathing calmed, I lifted myself carefully off of him. I looked down, and held on to the condom as I pulled out. He made the tiny sound once again.

We stayed in bed for a while longer as we laid down facing each other on our sides, his face so close to mine. I rested my hand on his arm. “Are you okay?” I asked after a while.

“I’m okay,” he replied under his breath.

“Did it hurt?”

He nodded. “But it’s okay.” With that answer, I began to massage his arm with my hand. “I’m just not used to being a bottom,” he chuckled.

I smirked. “It wasn’t your first time being a bottom, then?”

Wonho’s smile slowly disappeared, and he shook his head as his eyes dropped away from mine. “I’ve only had one other time before this,” he mumbled.

The conversation died down after, and we decided that it was time for us to get cleaned up. I get up first, pulling my pants up before walking to the bathroom to wash up, bringing him back something to clean him up with. For a second, I turned my back to get dressed into something cleaner and to give him privacy in order to do the same with the new set of clothing that I had given to him. But when I turned around, I see him on the edge of the bed, fully clothed as he was looking down at something. I couldn’t see what it was, but I noticed that his phone was no longer on the side table. Wonho must be looking at the various missed calls and messages from Kihyun.

I go around the bed to open up the blackout curtains, shedding light into the room. It took us a few seconds to adjust to the sunlight, though he kept his eyes glued to the phone screen. I sat on the couch, my body leaning forward while my elbows rested on my knees. I feel as though I’ve already pried too much, so I waited until he said something first.

He looked up at me, expressionless yet pale faced before saying, “could you call me a taxi?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos. I love to see it!  
> Also, leave comments and share this story with others! I would absolutely appreciate it.


	4. I Hate It Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m trying hard not to show what I was truly feeling. My lips went into a tight smile, trying to mask it. I brought my hand to his, pulling him a little closer to me. I spoke to him as if this conversation isn’t scaring me. “Then can I see you again soon, at least?”
> 
> The silence that followed is very telling, even though his hand tightened the slightest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New TW's // PLEASE CHECK NEW TAGS. Just a heads up.
> 
> Here we are with the fourth chapter. This is more of a transition chapter, but it's a bit of a heavy one emotionally for many reasons. The next chapter will come a bit quicker, and speaking of which, I have a surprise for you. Are you ready?
> 
> Chapter 5 will be in Wonho's point of view. :]
> 
> It will be an interesting perspective to the story, to say the least. I hope you enjoy!

I met Na-ri, my ex-wife, at a dinner that my family was holding at our home back when I was attending university. It was for my eomma’s friends, so she had been on edge the entire day. More than usual, at least. She usually always wants me to make a good impression on guests, so she guilted me into wearing something on the more expensive side of my wardrobe, but I wanted to keep it casual as much as possible for my own sanity. And then I realized what all the fuss was about.

I remember standing at the foot of the stairs ready to greet the guests at the door. When I saw Na-ri for the first time, she was standing right behind her parents, looking timid and courteous, though little did I know at the time. Her eyes were wide with make-up that made them look like cat-eyes, her front bangs covered her eyebrows while the rest of her hair was long and reached her lower back. But her smile stood out the most to me given that it was sharp at her lip’s edges, and I loved to see it appear. I was immediately taken by how stunning she was the moment that I laid my eyes on her.

Eomma forced me to keep Na-ri company that evening. She even suggested for me to take her on a walk in our large backyard before dinner was served. Of course, it wasn’t so much of a request as it was a low-key demand coupled with a forced pleasant-like smile. Lucky for her, it wasn’t such a difficult task to take on, after all.

“Oppa, you know that our parents are trying to set us up, right?” Na-ri exposed after we distanced ourselves from the house, away from any eavesdroppers. 

I chuckled. “I wouldn’t put it past them.”

“It’s funny, look,” she said as her eyes discreetly pointed to the house, “they’re watching us, burning holes. I’m just going to walk like this,” she said with her hands folded behind her back as she leaned into me. “I’ll even pretend like you’re funny—”

“But I am funny,” I defended with a smirk.

“—and laugh, even smile at you flirtatiously like this,” she said as she batted her long eyelashes convincingly, giggling in the process, while her sharp smile appeared, “and make it seem like their plan is working when in reality—”

“—it’s working,” I grinned, finishing her sentence. I took my shot.

This clearly caught her off guard. Her walking stopped abruptly. “Mh?” her head tilted in confusion, eyebrows raised, “really?” She then laughed, side-glancing up at me. What I found captivating about her right off the bat was that her voice oozed so much confidence, and her laugh—it made me weak in the knees as it gradually became my favourite sound in the entire world.

I shrugged my shoulders. “Why do you sound surprised?” I kept my chin raised as I walked. I guess that I was trying to match her confidence. It was infectious.

“Well, usually when parents try to set their kids up, they usually fight against it.”

“Try going all your life being told not to date, to focus only on your studies, and then all of a sudden, they go and invite a beautiful girl to the house behind your back. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Realistically speaking.”

Air escaped her nose as her eyes widened. Na-ri stopped fooling around by that point. “Well, if I were in your shoes, I would entertain the idea some more. You never know, they might actually be onto something for once.”

As much as I dislike the fact that I was giving into eomma’s plans, I couldn’t help but to fall for them on purpose. I stopped to look at Na-ri. She’s a lot shorter than me, just below my shoulders. “I think I’m in if you are,” I caved.

Her smile turned into a lop-sided grin. She nodded, “I’m in.”

I find it funny now how Na-ri and I started as a deal, but also ended as a deal.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wonho’s request for a taxi came as a shock to me, but I smiled with my eyes, deliberately overlooking the serious nature of his tone. “Are you sure that you want to leave? Neither of us have eaten yet. I can make us some food if you stay just a little longer.” I’m sitting right across from him on the couch while he was sitting on the bed. My elbows are resting on my knees as I lean a little forward with my hands clasped together, hanging languidly in front of me. There is this thick anxious feeling in the air, and I can see that his leg began to shake once again just as it did last night.

His lips pursed. “I have to go,” he averted my offer as he got up suddenly. But as he got to his feet, he winced a bit, and I realized that I should have taken better care of him after we had finished. Shit. I watch him as he rises above me, though I did not get up after him just yet. Instead, I looked up at him before softly enunciating, “but do you want to go?”

I want to tell him that I don’t want him to leave if he didn’t want to, that I love his company, that it takes away the pain in my chest, but then I didn’t want to come across as eager, because I was afraid he would see it that way. But my blood was gradually coursing faster and faster as our conversation continued.

Wonho’s bottom lip folded in as he bit it. He looked to his right to look at the time on the clock, and then his plump lips got bigger as he bit the insides of his cheeks, looking back at me once again. He looked to be thinking hard about his next reply. “No, I don’t want to go,” he admitted, and now I see why. He could have easily lied to me, but he didn’t.

“But you have to.”

He rigidly nodded, as if he were forcing himself to. “I do.”

**Plan A.**

“Look, a couple of my good friends and I are going out tonight for my birthday. It’s low-key. Just for beers. You’re more than welcome to join us. We’ll be going to—” I was about to say the location, but then he cut me off with a shake of his head and the cautious wave of his hand in front of him.

“I can’t, I can’t. Something urgent popped up. And it needs my attention. I don’t know for how long, but I really can’t.”

I should have never gotten out of bed so quickly. I was too eager to make us a lunch. If I had only stayed just a little longer.

**Plan B.**

I’m trying hard not to show what I was truly feeling. My lips went into a tight smile, trying to mask it. I brought my hand to his, pulling him a little closer to me. I spoke to him as if this conversation isn’t scaring me. “Then can I see you again soon, at least?”

The silence that followed is very telling, even though his hand tightened the slightest.

I’m trying.

**Plan C.**

I inhaled, and it came out a little breathy before I said, “I can drive you to wherever you need to be, if you’d like.”

He shook his head. “I’m fine with a taxi.”

I’m really trying.

I nodded, slowly removing my phone from my pocket with my free hand as I said, “then I’ll order one for you now. But can I ask you something before I do?”

“Mh.” He looked past my shoulder at nothing in particular.

I got up from the couch, his eyes breaking concentration as they met mine in the meantime, and I took a step towards him until our faces were close enough, my hand still loosely attached to his. “Does this have to do with Kihyun?”

Wonho’s eyes twitched before they looked down. His head shook the tiniest bit. “Just call for one, please.”

I inhaled deeply, silently, before finding the number for a taxi.

Wonho muttered a thank you, his eyes looking solemn. My lips went into a tight straight line as I nodded, acknowledging it. I’m not the type of person to force someone to do something that they don’t want to do, never have I tried, but all of this was coupled with this fear that perhaps this was the last time I would see him. I wouldn’t be able to show my face at The Laconic anymore, just like I wasn’t able to for LUCID. What a twisted sense of humor the universe has when it comes to history repeating itself. As I was on the phone, our hands continued to touch, and Wonho continued to keep his hand nestled in mine. There were slight twinges, movements of his hand that tightened, and then released. He didn’t try to remove it. He waited patiently.

Once I finished, I placed my phone in my back pocket once again. “It’s on its way,” I said. In this moment, I decided that it was now or never, knowing that if I didn’t, I would sooner add it to my list of regrets. I know myself well enough.

 **Plan D.** My final attempt.

“Can I have your number before you go?”

I can see Wonho swallow as he looked at me. He looked like he was in pain, but I don’t think it’s from the gash on his eyebrow. “No,” he said flatly.

I am done trying.

I don’t know what to say, though I think something about my face triggered a reaction because his eyes softened the moment he decidedly looked at me and said, “I _can’t_ give it to you.” Wonho’s eyes were a lot softer now as he gently squeezed my hand. “I appreciate the fact that you took care of me. I’m thankful. But we need to stop at that.”

So many needs. But where are his wants?

When I spoke, it came out low. “For what reason?”

“A big reason,” he replied quickly. “But it has nothing to do with you.”

“I have one last question, and then I’ll walk you to the car.” He looked up at me expectantly. “Was I just a one-night stand to you?” I asked, point-blank.

Wonho looked at me, unblinking, staggered by my abrupt question. He shook his head, confirming to me that this goes a little deeper, which makes me not want to say goodbye to him that much more.

“Okay. Let’s go, then,” I said with a forced boost of confidence and smile because I know that there is absolutely nothing I can say or do to change his mind. I raise my palm up in a polite manner as I pointed to the door, and he walked ahead of me as I followed close behind. I opened the closet at the front door and handed him his leather jacket. He went and removed his small wallet from his inner pocket close to his chest and placed that and his keys in one side pocket, and his phone in the other. He then seemed to change his mind and dug his keys out and placed them in the pocket of his jeans. He looks very unsettled, as if he can’t make up his mind about anything right now.

I then handed him a small bag with the bloody shirt he wore from last night. He looked at me, a little flushed. “What do I do about your shirt?” he said as he touched the black t-shirt he wore with a flat hand on his chest.

“Keep it,” I said. I could have used that as an excuse to see him, but couldn’t bring myself to do that. It looks good on him.

I silently walked Wonho to the taxi that had just parked right outside of the building and I opened the door for him. He got in, but I didn’t close the door just yet. I leaned in, though before I could get a word out, he quickly said, “I’m really sorry.” His eyes were expressive, a little glossy. He really meant it as we took one good look at each other.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Mh,” I responded.

I was about to close the door until he called out, “Shownu-hyung?” I bent down again to look at him, a wave of hope hitting me with force until he said, “don’t come back to The Laconic.” It sounds like a warning.

My heart dropped as the blood drained from my face with his last words right before I closed the door between us. I didn’t stick around to watch the car drive away. About an hour after he left, the sharp pain in my chest came back.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-MISSED CALL-

 **Voicemail from Appa (5:43pm):** Hello, son. You seem busy lately, and it makes me proud to think that you are taking your work seriously. It’s time that you make some time for your family, now. I’m calling to say that your eomma wants you to come for dinner tomorrow night. Dress presentable. It’s for your birthday so we will have guests over. Of course, I’m expecting you there. No excuses. I hope that you had a good day yesterday. I’ll see you tomorrow. Ah, also, call your eomma. Goodbye.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m not in the mood to be around people right now, but I don’t want to have to disappoint my friends even more than I already have by leaving them hanging yet again. Maybe this is what I need. A solid distraction. Changkyun messaged Jooheon beforehand that he and his plus-one are running a little late, so it would be just the two of us for a little while.

I rounded the corner and saw Jooheon standing outside of the venue where they are holding open-mic nights, the one we always go to called Heart Notes. He was wearing black pants, boots, a bright red button-down shirt with a visible black t-shirt underneath it. His hair is a mixture of red and orange, having used product to make it stick up with the slightest undercut. Edgy and handsome are my thoughts when it comes to Jooheon.

“Ehhhh there’s the birthday boy,” Jooheon greeted as we did our handshake at the door. He then wrapped his arm around my shoulders, teasing me. That brought a smile out of me even when I thought it would be impossible. When we entered, we managed to find a booth fit for four. I sat at the inner end of one side, and he sat right across from me. We got ourselves beers, but I knew that I would be the one to buy the first round.

“Shownu-hyung. Where the actual fuck were you last night?” Jooheon asked.

I inhaled, raising my eyebrows and curling my lips inwards. In between Wonho leaving and now, I thought a lot. Mainly about being more open with my friends about myself. It might be time for me to tell them that I like men, too. I’m tired of hiding. After what had happened last night and this morning, it’s as if I have no more fucks to give on what people think. I feel like I had no time today to sort through any of this. The word ‘might’ being the operative word because the next concrete words to come out of my mouth were, “I was busy.”

“Busy with what?”

I mashed my lips together as I look at Jooheon, and he looks at me intently, as if he’s opened that door for me to say anything at all. Am I ready to tell him? I shrugged my shoulders, not sure how to answer, lost for words relating to that.

“Are you playing tonight?” I panicked, pointing with my eyes at the vacant stage. No one was playing yet, but the show would start soon, though.

He shook his head. “No drumming tonight, just here for the drinks with my best friends,” he said with a small wide smile. Jooheon has the deepest dimples that I had ever seen on anyone’s cheeks, an aspect of him that I’ve always found charming, aside from his charismatic personality.

Jooheon laughed. “You’ve always been the master of changing subjects.”

I pursed my lips. “So, do you know who Changkyun is bringing with him?”

“No idea,” Jooheon shook his head. “Maybe a girl, who knows,” he winked.

Changkyun doesn’t do relationships like myself and Jooheon, so if he were to bring an interest of his with him, that would mean something big because he never does. He once said that money is his girlfriend, after all.

Maybe going out was a good idea after all.

Jooheon was suddenly looking at me, his hands folded on the table. “Shownu-hyung,” he grabbed my attention, leaning forward.

“Mh?” I replied, gazing up at him.

“If anything is going on with you, if you need someone to talk to, you know I’m always here to listen,” he said with an empathetic undertone. This made me want to tell him that much more.

“Hey, guys,” someone exclaimed with a cool, deep voice. We looked to our sides simultaneously to find Changkyun and someone else, a tall lanky body, walking right behind him wearing a jean jacket, tight black pants, and converse. At first, his eyes were hidden from my sight because he’s wearing a black fedora that he has lowered. Changkyun, on the other hand, wore running shoes, light jeans, a white t-shirt and an unbuttoned black-and-white flannel long-sleeve.

Now is definitely not the right time to open up, it seems. It doesn’t feel right.

“You’re late!” Jooheon playfully yelled as he enunciated each word with tilts of his head before getting up from his seated position to greet him. I followed.

And then Changkyun brought his attention to me and said, “happy birthday, man! What are you now, old?”

I chuckled. “You’re going to tease your hyung just like that?”

“Mh,” he agreed, a devious smirk on his lips.

But then I felt a shock course through my entire body as I made eye contact with his plus one, and his plus one mirrored the exact same look.

“Hey, so yeah, this is Hyungwon,” Changkyun introduced a little awkwardly. “He’s cool.”

Hyungwon bowed his head to Jooheon and I, and I did the same. My breath is caught in my chest as I took in his features because he looks really good, so devastatingly handsome. His hair is just as long as he had it a year ago, black and wavy while his lips, fuck, that top lip of his—

From my peripheral, I can see that Jooheon and Changkyun were looking back and forth from me to Hyungwon and then at each other. We obviously know each other, I’m sure that it was clear as day, but I immediately tried to reverse that after we both broke from our trance.

“What? Do you both like know each other or something?” Changkyun asked as he broke the silence.

I rip my gaze from Hyungwon to look at Changkyun and forced a smile, “no, I-I’ll just go buy the first round,” I said as I excused myself from the group with a smile. My chest feels tight and head dizzy as all the blood went straight to my head. I wasn’t even remotely prepared to ever see Hyungwon again, and if I did, it would have been planned. Not like this. Not while my two closest friends are here thinking that we have never met before.

Just as I was walking away, I hear Hyungwon say to the boys, “I’ll go help him.”

Fuck. Please don’t follow me.

When I got to the bar, I look at the bartender, and I think about Wonho.

Why is my mind being so cruel right now?

Hyungwon joined me five seconds later. He stood quietly beside me at first, waiting for me to take notice of him, but then he turned his body to me and said, “look, I know how random this must be, but—”

“Four soju,” I said as the bartender took my order. I think what I’m feeling right now is utter panic and a sense of shame at the fact that I never called him, and now he’s standing right beside me with my friends watching from afar.

“—but I’ve known Changkyun for a while, now. He’s mentioned your name so many times that I needed to see if it was actually you. I’ve never met anyone else with the name ‘Shownu’. When he said that he was going to go out to celebrate your birthday, we began to casually talk about it, and about Heart Notes, you and Jooheon, and then he invited me to come. I couldn’t say no.”

I side-glanced at him. “Why couldn’t you say no?”

He cleared his throat. “I needed to know if it was you.”

Panic for me usually induces self-sabotage.

“Now you know,” I confirmed, trying to grab a hold of the four beers.

“Wait,” he said, bringing his hand to the drinks as they brushed mine, stopping me from carrying the bottles. “Let me help you, at least. If I don’t, they’re going to wonder why I’m even here.”

I nodded, handing him two glasses. “But first, wait, please. This is probably the only time that I will get to speak to you so please, just wait.” Unlike that night a year ago, I can hear his boyish, raspy voice clearly and I’m just as weak for it as I was back then.

“You never called me,” he said. “Why didn’t you?”

There it was.

I quickly thought about the words that I have replayed and rehearsed over and over in my mind with the idea that one day, I would see him again. “Because no one knows about the person that I was that night with you. Not even my friends over there know me like that. You are—” I cut myself off, suddenly thinking about Wonho, “—you were the only person that knows about me.” Everything that came out of my mouth was hushed, with hopes that we weren’t being overheard.

“Hyung,” he began. “I won’t say a word but—” He hesitated.

“But what?” I prompted him, feeling eyes on us.

His next words came out fast, knowing that we had to make this quick. “I know Changkyun is your friend, and he would rather you hear what I’m going to say from him than from someone who he thinks is a complete stranger to you, but given our history, I want to be the one to tell you that Changkyun and I are seeing each other. We have been for months, now.”

I quietly exhaled, nodding. “That’s good,” I lied, smiling. “Pretend we met at a bar and shared drinks with mutual friends. That will be and stay our story.”

Hyungwon’s features wilted. “I wish you had called me,” he sadly admitted just before grabbing the drinks and walking ahead of me towards the booth.

As to not make it look suspicious, I grabbed the drinks a second later, but I had almost no will power to follow him. I felt terrible. As the night went on, the lights dimmed and the stage came alive with a variety of talent, and the drinks kept coming as I avoided the obvious gestures Changkyun and Hyungwon would exchange from time to time. With each of those gestures, I took a swig of beer. When Changkyun finally put his arm around Hyungwon, it made me think about what if I had called him, would I be the one with my arm around him? The thought of this began to make me feel a certain type of way, and then I became drunk.

“How did you both meet?” Jooheon asked Changkyun and Hyungwon.

“We met at a bar with mutual friends,” Hyungwon said, glancing over at me for a second before looking back at Jooheon.

“For real, man? Nice. Why were we not there with these _mutual_ friends?” Jooheon said jokingly as he pointed with his thumb to both himself and I.

Changkyun laughed. “I asked you to come out that night, you too,” he said as he looked at me, “but you both were busy as fuck so I invited some of my other friends.”

Jooheon blinked, mouth open. “I thought we were your only friends," he lovingly teased.

Changkyun choked on his beer before saying, “shut the fuck up, man,” but ended up cracking a smile. “My world doesn’t revolve around you, Honey.”

Jooheon winked. “You’re just saying that now because—” he began to say as he eyed Hyungwon before blurting ‘ouch'. Turns out that he was kicked in the shin from under the table by a tight-lipped Changkyun who was blushing.

In the meantime, I focused my attention on the stages, on Jooheon by my side, and at the numerous jokes that were made that had me laughing, all while avoiding any eye contact with Hyungwon. By the end of the night, everything from the sound of the laughter to the music became chaotic in my mind, and so I leaned over to Jooheon who was sitting to my right and said, “I’m going to go home now.”

As I clumsily went to get up, both Changkyun and Hyungwon’s eyes on me, Jooheon quickly followed me. “I’ll get you home,” he said.

“No, no, no, you stay, have fun, I’ll grab a taxi,” I said as I gently shoved him back down to the seat. It was an accident. I looked to see if he was okay, and he was looking at Changkyun, who was looking back at him with just as much concern. Beside him, Hyungwon looked up at me, his eyebrows furrowed and features slightly pinched. Their expressions made me feel uncomfortable all of a sudden, and I began to feel embarrassed.

“Buddy,” Jooheon said as he put a gentle hand on my shoulder and smiled at me with his eyes, “I’m taking you home.”

I hummed, not wanting to argue, mainly because I didn’t want them to look at each other and at me the same way ever again. 

I thanked Changkyun and Hyungwon for coming before we said our good byes.

The taxi ride back home was quiet as I kept my head on Jooheon’s shoulder, but my eyes were open as so many thoughts swam around my head. For a time, even Jooheon held my hand, and he knew that I wasn’t okay. When I got inside the apartment, he followed me in as I went straight into my room, shoes and all. I collapsed on my bed, chest first with my feet off the bed. I began to feel Jooheon silently remove my boots and the rest of my clothing. Before I knew it, I was just in a t-shirt and boxers. While he was at my side about to tuck me in, I stopped him with my hand, and he was suddenly alert.

“Jooheon,” I muttered.

He bent down to my level at my side. “Mh?”

“I know Hyungwon,” I blurted out without thinking. Everything I say past this point is without thought, and for the time being, I’m okay with it.

Jooheon sat down on the floor, making himself comfortable for the conversation that we are about to have in spite of the fact that it’s late. “How do you know him?”

I told him about my birthday last year, about what happened, about what didn’t happen, and about how I felt about it. And then I eased my way into telling him about what happened yesterday, why I didn’t reply to their messages, how I felt about it all, and how painful it’s been growing up hiding myself from everyone. It took me about an hour to rehash everything in a coherent way so that he knew.

“I messed up everything because I was afraid,” I muttered.

“Shownu-hyung,” he softly said as he put an arm over my arm, “I love you so much, and Changkyun loves you, too. We would have been there for you just the same if you had opened up to us about that. Just because your mom and dad won’t accept you, doesn’t mean that we won’t.”

I processed everything, feeling that burden lift off of me, feeling the safety within this friendship. They're my brothers. I should have trusted them from the beginning. “Thank you,” I whispered, feeling my eyes get heavy with sleep.

“I’m always here for you,” he reassured. A quiet moment passed before he added, “and you didn’t mess up with Wonho. He just couldn’t stay.”

But he wanted to.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jooheon didn’t stay the night. He left shortly after. The next day passed as I did some laundry and work, and before I knew it, I was at the door to my old house. When it opened, the most beautiful woman that I had ever seen appeared before my eyes with her sharp smile, high heels, long eyelash batting, and happiness radiating off of her for whatever reason.

It’s been years since I’ve seen her, not since our divorce, and so this, on top of everything that’s happened in the past couple of days, is currently not sitting well with me. Of course, this must have been the reason eomma wanted me to get dressed up. I should have known there was cruel intentions behind this in spite of it being my birthday.

“Na-ri,” I said monotonously, refraining from exposing any sense of surprise, as well as dread at the prospect of having to spend an evening in the same room. I bowed my head slightly out of curtesy.

“Oppa, you’re looking good,” she flirted.

“Let me pass,” I said flatly.

I can tell she’s not impressed with my reaction to seeing her, but she nodded and moved aside. I stepped in, removed my shoes and jacket, and walked past her and to the dining room at the far end of the house where I heard many voices. I heard her heels tapping the floor behind me as she followed close behind. “Look who I found,” she announced for dramatics as we entered the room. Those who were seated got up, greeting me with bows and quick empty small talk. There are a couple of cousins, aunts and uncles whom I have no close bonds with, but most are unknown to me. But then I saw Na-ri’s parents in the mix and I knew there was some motive to this dinner. Who in their right mind invites someone’s divorced family-in-law to a family dinner? This doesn’t feel like a birthday party. This was business. I don’t know what kind of business, but I already want to leave.

“Hyunwoo,” eomma called out, a large teeth-bearing smile on her face. “I’m so happy to see you,” she said. Was this for show?

“Mh,” I replied.

“Eomeoni, can I speak to you quickly in the other room?” She gave me a quick look, one only I could see, and happily agreed in front of others.

She followed me to the next room, and I closed the double doors until all of the chatter was muted. “What is it this time, Hyunwoo? Not happy with the party?”

“If it was a party, you would have invited my friends, you know, people that have actual meaning in my life.”

“Are you telling me that we don’t have any meaning in your life?”

“I’m not saying you and appa don’t, but those people—” and she knew perfectly well that I was referring to Na-ri and her family before she cut me off.

“Those people,” she enunciated, “are here for you.”

“What do they want this time?”

She exhaled deeply, unmistakably irritated. “We invited them as guests."

"What's the catch?" I ask rhetorically.

"How dare you," she spat. "In spite of the fact that you almost shattered the bond between our family and theirs, they were willing to salvage it without your help. They are still my friends, and I won’t let them not be a part of our family gatherings.”

“But they're not family,” I said between gritted teeth.

“Don’t you start being disrespectful in my house,” she hissed as she pointed her finger at my chest. “I can invite whoever I want. This is my home, not yours.”

I became silent with that statement, looking down at eomma, who’s forced smile she had on just a few moments ago had completely gone. “Why is Na-ri here, eomma?”

She crossed her slender arms together and shrugged. “Why not?”

I huffed. “She’s my ex-wife. The marriage didn’t exactly end on good terms.”

“She’s the daughter of my friends, what do you expect me to do, be rude and not invite her?” She chuckled, “I’m not rude like you, son.”

“What do you not understand?”

“What I don’t understand is why you both decided to get a divorce and frankly, we all found the whole thing wasteful and ridiculous. You disappointed not only us, but her family, as well. You owe it to them to put a smile on your face,” she said as she brought her hand to my face and squeezed my cheeks with her manicured fingers before releasing it quickly, “and treat their daughter with absolute respect. Am I clear?” She didn’t wait for an answer. She assumed that it was a given as she turned around, opened the doors, and walked back to the dining room area with a large smile plastered on her face once again.

I exhaled the breath that was stuck in my chest, looking up as I breathed in.

When I left the room, I was stopped by my appa. I thought I was going to get scolded. “I have something for you,” he said as he fished something out from his jacket pocket. I assumed that it was a card with money, which was his usual gift. When I opened it, I was surprised to find a black and white photo of me and my parents. I think I was about three, and we were all smiling, dressed up in casual clothing, looking happy.

Appa’s eyes look soft and kind as he said, “your eomma wasn’t always the way she is now, I just want you to know that, okay? I want you and her to be happy.”

I smiled as I placed a hand on his shoulder reassuringly. “Everything is okay, appa. We’re okay.”

He nodded, clearing his throat as we both decidedly returned to the dining room. Appa went to sit at one end of the lengthy table and I went to sit at the opposite end. Of course, eomma insisted that Na-ri sits beside me while she sits across from her. I am literally backed up into a corner. Na-ri glances at me from time to time, attempting to create conversation, but I wasn’t entertaining any of it in spite of eomma’s previous warning. I feel suffocated.

“Can we go and talk privately?” Na-ri whispered.

I would say no, but a part of me wants to hear what she has to say, so I agreed to it. We respectfully excused ourselves after dessert and went back into the same room that I had the conversation with eomma. This time, I had to turn the lights on given that the sun had set. The lights were too bright, which added onto the gradual discomfort of the night.

“What did you want to say,” I prompted after I sat on the couch, leaning forward with my hands clasped together, a little impatient to get it done and over with.

“I want to say that I miss you,” she admitted unashamedly.

I huffed. “That’s bullshit.”

“Nunu,” she whined as she pouted my name. God, she knows what that used to do to me and she’s using it against me. “It’s not all bullshit. Can’t we just go back to how things were before it got serious?”

My eyes shot to her abruptly. “When things got _serious_? Do you mean when you got pregnant? To when we planned to have a family?”

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, _that_ serious. We were so good before that.”

I couldn’t look at her. This conversation was already off to a really bad start.

“Why aren’t you looking at me? You know it’s rude not to look at the person that’s talking to you.”

“I don’t want to look at you.”

“And why’s that?” she said. I didn't answer. "Nunu, don't be such a child," she whined. I can see her slender arms crossed in my peripherals.

“Because it hurts to,” I admitted, feeling a lump in my throat.

“Oppa, don’t be like that. It’s in the past, now,” she said as she brought a hand to my shoulder. This set me off. I shrugged it away before getting up from my seat, hovering above her this time as to not feel smaller than I already do compared to her personality.

“How the fuck am I supposed to move on from the fact that I came home one day to find that you had an abortion without telling me? Na-ri, you and I both had names picked out, we had a room set up, we mutually agreed to having that baby,” I exclaimed.

She rolled her eyes, clicking her tongue. “God, I knew I should have lied to you.”

My eyes widened in horror, shook that she had even said that. “I was always happy that you were happy, and if you didn’t want that baby, we could have figured it out together but you didn’t tell me anything. You left me in the dark and you tore me to pieces,” I said, fisting my shirt where my heart is located. “You literally took the love of my life away from me.”

“But I’m still here,” she said as she brought her hand to brush my cheek. I swiped her hand away from my face.

“I’m not talking about you,” I deadpanned.

“Don’t be like that, oppa. We can start all over again.”

I shook my head, smirking in disbelief. “I would never go back to you. Even if I were desperate, which I’m not, I wouldn’t feel the need to.”

Her eyebrow raised and smile disappeared, substituted by a glare sharper than her tongue. “You’ll be missing out, then.”

“That’s my intention. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m leaving this business meeting you all are calling a party,” I said as I walked past her and towards the door.

“No, you won’t be leaving,” she assumed as she smoothly turned on her heel. “Your eomma wants you to stay, and so do I.”

I abruptly turn around and march up towards her. This seemed to startle her as she straightened up. I don't think anyone is used to seeing this side of me, not even her. “Oh yeah? And then what? You both think that you have power over me but you don’t. If you try to stop me, or even guilt me into being in a relationship with you, then our deal is off. How do you think both my eomma and yours will feel when I tell them about what you did? I bet you anything that their whole perspective on this divorce will change since they will know that you lied about the miscarriage.”

She was about to say something, opened her mouth, hesitated, and then closed it before going on to condescendingly add, “you won’t find anyone better than me to have your children.”

I raised my chin at her with clenched jaw. “Go fuck yourself, Na-ri.”

The adrenaline from this conversation made my head foggy, and everything was a blur from then on as I left her behind to go grab my suit jacket that I had hanging on the back of the dining table chair. I excused myself, trying my hardest to smile as I told everyone that I had work early in the morning as I thanked them for coming. When I said my goodbyes, I realized that my dad looked sad to see me go, so I covertly promised him that I would call him soon. Eomma, on the other hand, looked alarmed, looking back to see if Na-ri would appear, but she didn’t. Not wanting to make a scene, she didn’t bother stopping me, feigning a requited goodbye as I left the house.

Once the door closed behind me, I breathed in the night air, taking in the quiet of the night as I made my way to the car. The drive home was a build-up of so many emotions that by the time I entered my apartment, I collapsed in front of the door as loud sobs escaped me. My chest felt tight, my throat closed up as my heart raced. This breakdown was long overdue and I didn’t stop myself like I always do. All of the events from the past few years were catching up to me all at once and I guess that after all this time of suppression. The emotions got so overwhelming that after a while of letting it all out, I became numb. I sit staring ahead at nothing in particular as I replay all of the events of this weekend, as well as the other key events that have led up to this moment. Why is my life like this? I’m so tired.

I can feel the tears dry on my cheeks.

I don’t know how much time passed, but once I woke up from the daydream that I had pulled myself into, my eyes zeroed in on something silver on the carpet of the closet. I go towards it to pick up whatever it is, and then bring it towards my face to get a better look at it. My eyes widened as I realized that I had picked up Wonho’s ring.

I’m sure he won’t miss it. It’s just a ring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t forget or hesitate to leave kudos and comments at the bottom of each chapter. They keep writers like me happy and inspired. I hope you enjoy!


	5. What to Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Here’s what’s going to happen from now on,” Kihyun began with a calm voice as he folded his hands on the table. It's almost as if he were prepared for this. He most likely was. “You’re not going to talk to him ever again—”
> 
> This is what it has come to. Shownu is now considered a threat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WONHO'S CHAPTER!!! Writing from his POV was an interesting process.
> 
> Just a warning: punishment scene, pain, edging.
> 
> You will figure things out about Wonho that Shownu would otherwise not know, BUT don't expect me to have written every single detail of his past just because it's in his perspective. Where's the fun in that? Letting it unfold at a steady pace.
> 
> ALSO!! If you enjoyed this chapter in Wonho's POV, comment below if you'd like another one like it in the future, and I will deliver them at the appropriate times in the story.

All that I wanted to do the night of the injury was to step out of The Laconic and go back home. Instead, I took a cigarette out and smoked. I very rarely smoke, but when I do, it just goes to show how anxious I am. It’s a way for me to relieve stress if walking away from the stressor isn’t a possibility. Smoking is my fall-back coping mechanism that I hate that I need, and this goes especially on the days when I have Kihyun breathing down my neck.

As I watched the smoke rise and drift in the air, I wondered how long it would take for me to get myself out of the situation that I’m in with him, what I need to do to be able to just walk away and never turn back, but I’m afraid that it’s not that easy. After a year, I’m in too deep now. I’m too scared to even try.

To distract myself, my eyes wandered to the right of me to find a man fidgeting with the sleeves of his button-down shirt, concentrating as he folded them up to his elbows. If I were to guess his age, I would say he looks closer to his thirties, but not quite there, yet. He’s muscular, seeing as how his sleeves were tight around his arms, though he’s not nearly as built as I am. His skin is darker than my pale complexion, lips big, and his black hair is parted to the side and slightly dishevelled. He was readying himself for something, and I began to wonder whether he was going to enter The Laconic. If that’s the case, I can tell it’s his first time. 

My phone began to vibrate in my pocket.

 **Kihyun (11:41pm):** I need you in my office now.

I wasn’t even halfway done with my cigarette. I hated that I had to toss it to the ground in that moment, but the disposal was at the end of the street and when Kihyun says now, he means it. If I were to have my normal fifteen-minute break, that wouldn’t have been an issue. Before I knew it, I made my way inside, dashed up the stairs and paused right in front of his office door. I took a deep breath, knocked, and then entered. Kihyun’s office has a large window overlooking a street that was alive at night with people and lights. It's the part of the room that catches my eyes right away. Once I closed the door behind me, I turned around and saw Kihyun doing paperwork. I wasn’t surprised to see that he had a doll sitting at the corner of the desk, leaning into him more out of obligation than want, but I became mortified when it was Minhyuk, who immediately straightened his posture when he saw me. He eyed me skeptically while Kihyun kept his on the paperwork in front of him, and for a moment, it was as if we both silently shared our thoughts.

_What are you doing here?_

Neither of us said anything. We both averted our eyes away from each other and kept quiet, both of us knowing full well that Kihyun doesn’t like anyone breaking his train of thought. I had less than five more minutes before my break was done and the person who was covering for me would have to leave for their next task, with or without me returning to my post. Once Kihyun was done, he got up from his seat and looked at me. He wasted no time.

“You remember our deal we made a couple of months ago, right?” Kihyun said directly to me.

My eyes widened in horror, flickering to Minhyuk, who had his back to me and looking out the window as to not invade. He was about to bring up a very private matter in front of my friend, and I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.

The deal that he speaks of was made in this exact room about a couple of months ago. I remember that I was the one looking out the window, standing so close that I could touch it. Kihyun was sitting back on his cushioned desk chair, legs and arms crossed as he watched the view, as well as me. We had been deep in conversation. He had said, “when you say yes to anything that I offer you, you’ll be signing yourself over to me in increments. I gave you a job, you sign. I get you an apartment in a nice area, you sign. I give you money on the side, you sign. But the moment that we fuck, that's when you sign yourself over to me completely. This will happen only when you want it to happen, but the longer that you keep me waiting, the less I give.”

I quietly asked, “what does that mean, then?”

I recall hearing him get up from his seat before taking a few steps towards me. He was suddenly at my side looking out of the window with me. His presence at my side made my blood rush.

“It means that you won’t be able to be romantically involved with anyone else. You can’t be physical in any way with them. And you can’t talk to any person who I deem a potential threat.”

“Are you saying that I'm your boyfriend or something?”

He smirked. “Or something.”

“What if I do any of those things?”

I heard the smile in his words. “Then you’ll be punished depending on the severity of which rule you broke. Or rules, if you’re daring enough to. But don't worry. I'll take good care of you.”

My mind comes back to the present, trying to ignore Min as much as I could but the awkwardness is difficult to avoid. I responded with a simple, “mh,” and a nod.

How could I ever forget that deal?

“You’re being a little cold today,” he pointed out, teasing me in his own way given that he knew having Min here would have a certain effect on me. He chuckled. “You keep looking at my doll. Do you want to know why he’s here as well and why we're speaking about our deal?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn’t want to answer because I didn’t want to know. Min turned his face, looking down at Kihyun’s hand, giving me a view of his side profile. “Sir,” he whispered to Kihyun, almost sounding like a plead as he put a careful hand on his. I can almost hear Min say 'go easy on him'.

No.

“It’s because you and my doll here are in relatively similar situations. Of course, his rules are different given his work circumstances, but just as important.”

No, not him. How can I protect him from this?

“For how long?” I risked asking. It was directed to Min, but Kihyun was the obvious one to answer it.

“For about two years. Since before he started working here. Much like you, I gave him this job.”

And here I was trying to protect Min from others, when I really should have been protecting him from Kihyun.

“Don’t you think I’ve been generous to you, Wonho? I think I’ve been generous in many ways. I’ve given you, in particular, plenty of time to settle in and to think my proposition over.”

“I need more time,” I faintly requested, feeling my face burn up.

“Or do I maybe need to cut you off?” he said suddenly. I watched as Min’s head turned slowly to look at me, surely to see my response.

Panic set in as my eyes shot to his and I found myself inadvertently begging in front of my closest friend. “No, y-you’re right, please don’t do that.”

“Wonho,” Kihyun smoothly said. “Get on your knees and say that I’m a generous man.”

Before I could do anything, Min quickly leaned into Kihyun, alarmed almost, and said, “I have to meet an appointment soon, may I go?”

Without looking at Min, he nodded. “Mh, go then.”

While walking around the desk, Min’s head was down, avoiding my eyes as he left, the door shutting with a bit of a bang. Kihyun discreetly spared us.

He got up from his chair to walk closer to me. “You heard what I said.”

I quickly bend my knees in front of him, letting them hit the ground at the same time before I say, “you’re a generous man.” I didn’t look at him as I said it. He took a step closer and with his index finger, he put it under my chin and gently raised my head so that my eyes met his.

“Say it again, but I want to know what my generosity means to you.”

With one hand, I gently grabbed his ankle, leaned myself forward as I looked up at him to say, “please don’t cut me off, sir. You’re a generous man. You gave me a home when I had nowhere to go. You gave me a job when I had nothing to live off of. I don’t know what I’ll do without you. Please, I’ll do what you say.”

His lips turned into a lopsided smile, clearly pleased with my wording. “Good boy,” he praised as he combed his fingers through my hair. His hand went to cup my cheek, and I willingly rested it on his hand, accepting the comfort that he was giving since it doesn’t come often. He suddenly looked down at my hands as they rested on my legs before bending down and grabbing a hold of one of them. “I have something pretty for you,” he muttered as he took something out of his suit pocket. A small ring with a hoop protruding from it.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“Do you ever notice the necklace that Minhyuk wears? The choker with the silver hoop? Well, this is a variation of that necklace. This one is for you. Consider this a little reminder of our first time together, and to the many others that you promise me by wearing it.” He effortlessly put the ring on my left middle finger. I didn’t dare to pull away. This was followed by, “a reminder of our deal.”

As light as the ring physically felt, the weight of its shackles is heavy to bear. I know that the moment I leave here wearing this, I’ll be his for him to do what he pleases. Dread washed over me as I knew that I couldn’t say no or else I risk losing the comfort and freedom that he’s offered to me in terms of money, as well as his earlier promise to not go after the people that I love most if I leave him. How can I protect those that I love if I can’t even protect myself?

“But I haven’t agreed to anything yet,” I mumbled under my breath, feeling myself pout as I watched him hold my hand as he touched the ring.

Kihyun chuckled. “You might think I’ve given you all of this time to think this over, but you’re already mine, and only mine. You have been since you signed for the apartment, which is also technically mine. Or do I need to take the ring back?"

"No," I said, covering it with my other hand. "I-I'll wear it."

"That's my good boy. Don’t take it off unless I say so, which won’t be anytime soon. Just remember, I’ll be good to you, if you are good to me.”

I don't know what possessed me to remove the ring once I left his office. I guess I risked it all out of a different kind of fear. I told myself that I would quickly put the ring back on if he came back into the bar, but then everything happened. I had put it in the pocket of my pants at first, but then I transferred it to the pocket of my jacket where it's safe.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The flustered man who had been fixing his sleeves outside of The Laconic just last night, the kind one who sacrificed his birthday and sleep to take care of me, looks devastated as the car I’m in pulled away from him. In truth, so am I. I felt frozen for a bit before I sunk into the seat, ashamed. I feel my eyes glazing over with tears but I don’t want to cry. This was just a side-effect of the pure frustration that I’m feeling towards myself, and at the fact that I don’t have the true freedom to do what I want. If circumstances were different, I would have said yes to every single question that Shownu had asked me before I left. I would have given him my number, I would have wanted to see him again, I would have wanted to get to know him more because truthfully, if things were different, I wouldn’t have let him slip away as easily as I just did.

It’s so difficult to hold myself back from stopping the car before it’s too late. And then it was.

I already broke all of Kihyun’s rules, and he has a way of figuring out the truth even if I lie convincingly. I should have replied to his texts, but I didn’t. I was way too invested in Shownu to even try to make it less obvious, and Kihyun is a smart man. I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no point in lying to Kihyun and since there is a likely possibility that he already knows, I’ll just make a detour home to shower before I go see him. I might as well wash this morning off of me. It would be the decent thing to do before seeing him.

A part of me was anxious that Kihyun would be there in my apartment ready to scold me given that he has a spare key to it, but when I got there, it was empty and silent. I entered my bedroom and took off the shirt I have on to take a shower, and then I realize that it smells like Shownu, like I'm still in his apartment. I neatly fold it before placing it at the end of the bed, eyeing it for a few long seconds.

After my shower, my stitches began to pinch, but the pain isn’t nearly as intense as it was last night, no longer needing pain killers.

My phone abruptly began to vibrate. It was Kihyun calling.

 **Me (5:35pm):** Hello?

 **Kihyun:** I sent a car for you. It should be outside your building.

 **Me:** I was on my way to meet you at The Laconic, I don’t need a car.

 **Kihyun:** Who said I was at work?

 **Me:** Your schedule did.

 **Kihyun:** Took the day off. Now stop questioning me and get in the car.

The phone clicked off.

I breathed out hard from my nose, my anxiety suddenly rising.

The black car with the tinted windows dropped me off at an apartment complex, which looks expensive to stay in.

This must be where Kihyun lives.

A man at the door called my name, and when I replied, he pointed me in the direction of the elevator and walked me to it. The doors opened, he put a key in one of the slots, pressed the PH button, but did not enter with me. He said that it would lead me exactly where I’m expected. The man then bowed just as the doors closed, leaving me all alone. I eyed the button that he pressed. It was the one at the very top. It was for a pent house suite. When the doors opened, a light ping was heard. I stepped out and the lighting was at a minimum, dimmed as I entered a small hallway. The furniture looked modern and everything was neat. I can hear music playing in the background. Soft guitar strings and vocals playing from a speaker that was set to low. I took off my shoes out of respect before slowly walking to my left, continuing into what looked like the main living room to the left and the kitchen to the right. The scent of food was drifting in the air, and suddenly, I remembered that I hadn’t eaten all day.

Kihyun was in the kitchen pouring glasses of wine. He looked up, smiled, and slightly bowed before rounding the island counter towards a dining table that was set for two. The food is already steaming on the plates. Once he placed the glasses down in their respective spots, he told me to hang my jacket in the closet in the small hallway. He then met me halfway between there and the dining room table. He eyed the area of my face where the bandage was over my eyebrow, surely observing the dark marks on my face.

He cringed at the sight of it as he softly brushed my hair away from my forehead to get a better look at it. “It should have been me who took you to the hospital,” he regretted.

This hint of sympathy caught me off guard.

“It’s okay,” I said under my breath.

He cleared his throat. “Sit there,” he said, motioning to the seat by his side while he sat at the head of the table.

The ramyeon in front of me made my mouth water.

“Did you make this food yourself?” I asked curiously.

He smirked as he shook his head. “Not this time,” he admitted as he waited for me to take the first bite. It tastes really good. All I wanted to do was scarf down the whole dish but I needed to control myself. I can’t forget who I’m sitting in front of, but I’m starving. “I had work to deal with tonight so I had my maid do it. She does the cooking but only when I’m too busy to. I sent her home before you got here.”

I hummed, nodding with a mouth full of noodles.

Conversation ceased for a while as we ate. Once I was half-way done, he casually inquired, “I’m guessing that man who took you to the hospital last night didn’t feed you well today?”

I swallowed the last bite before saying, “he offered, but I left before I could eat.”

Kihyun’s smile quickly disappeared as his eyes burned into mine, and I immediately felt the blood drain from my face the moment that I saw his jaw clench.

I fell into his trap.

I had been so focused on the food that I wasn’t paying attention to my words. I put the chopsticks down to the side, suddenly losing my appetite. I rested my hands on my legs. One of them is shaking uncontrollably. It tends to shake whenever I’m really anxious or when I have something to say but can’t find the words to say it.

“How many rules did you break?” he asked sternly. I opened my mouth and the smallest sound came out before it closed, lost for words. “Out of all the rules that I had set out for you, how many did you break?” he repeated expressionless. I hesitated. He then added, “if you tell me the truth, I’ll sweeten the after-care.”

I felt myself flinch. There is no win-win in this situation. The punishment now might be physical, but the repercussions of breaking his rules could be used against me in the long run. I don’t know which is worse.

“A—”

“Look at me and say it,” he said with a levelled tone. “You know I like eye contact.”

I cleared my throat, meeting his eyes. “All of them,” I murmured.

“Here’s what’s going to happen from now on,” Kihyun began with a calm voice as he folded his hands on the table. It's almost as if he were prepared for this. He most likely was. “You’re not going to talk to him ever again—”

This is what it has come to. Shownu is now considered a threat.

“—if he comes to The Laconic, I will still offer him service, but you will not even think of acknowledging him. If you see him first, you signal a doll to escort him away from the bar area, and a drink will be brought to him. I won’t make him exit the building, but he will not come close to you, and I _will_ make sure of this.”

The thought of Shownu entering one of those rooms with a doll suddenly makes me feel absolutely repulsed. I don’t want that. I’d rather him leave than stay, but I think that’s the point of this plan. Kihyun wants me to suffer in that way. A soft punishment, but it won't end there. I’ll have to make sure that it’s Min if that’s the case. I know that he wouldn’t do anything to Shownu if I asked him not to. But luckily, I had told Shownu not to go back to The Laconic.

Kihyun’s eyes were abruptly on my left hand, and then it clicked as to why.

“Where’s your ring?”

Fuck. How could I be so careless?

Thankfully, I had a solid answer to that, but I’m not sure that it’ll be good enough for him since I was expected to have it on at all time. “It’s in the pocket of my jacket.”

“Go get it now.”

I quickly got up and walk to the closet at the entrance where it was hung up. I check the pocket of my jacket that I know it's in, and it isn't there. My anxiety kicked in. I shuffled through the other, and my heart began to thrum out of my chest. It’s not there, either. I thought I had it, I was so sure that I had it. I double-checked the pockets of my jeans, given that I had worn them last night, and it wasn’t there. I remember switching it from my pants to my jacket, and I didn’t take it out since. I could have sworn it was there.

FUCK.

I brought my hands to my head, roughly yet slowly brushing my hair back, gritting my teeth, feeling the heat in my body rise. I returned my hands back to my sides as Kihyun slowly walked towards me from behind, hyper-aware of his presence.

“My question now,” Kihyun firmly began, “is why is the ring not on your finger?” He’s still unaware that I can’t locate where exactly it is given that my back is turned to him, blocking his line of sight from my flustered search.

I closed the closet door and turned around to see his stark expression. It’s visibly hopeless. I decided to answer his question first, and then confess. “Because I didn't agree to wearing it, to any of it. I never said yes." It was the best excuse that I could think of on the spot. I feel so frustrated, and I think my tone of voice exposed me for it.

Kihyun’s eyebrow raised. “Yes, you did,” he said as he stepped closer to me, now just one foot away from my face. The dim lighting looked good on his face as it shined on one side. I can’t deny that I find him attractive, even in high pressure moments like this, even in our situation. “You agree every time you beg, when you’re on your knees, when you look at me from the ground up. You’ve agreed in many ways, and not just a verbal yes.” He chuckled. “What’s that phrase again? Actions speak louder—”

“—than words,” I finished as he had given me an opening to do so.

He hummed. “That ring I gave to you is our contract. I need to see it on you at all times, or else I’ll have to break the promise I kept to you. Now where is it?”

My mouth opened and closed again with nothing coming out until finally, “I can’t find it.” Once that was said, my words came flowing out quickly in a panic. “I put it in my jacket pocket last night before I left work. I swear to you that I had it in the pocket of my jacket, and now it’s not there. It must have come out when I was getting my keys. I didn’t mean to lose it,” I pouted at him. Kihyun told me once that he likes when I pout, that it could help me get my way from time to time, but I don’t think this is one of those times. He eyed my lips, aware of it, but did nothing as he looked directly into my eyes.

Everything got quiet except for the distant mellow music.

“Turn around,” he blatantly said.

He told me never to question his motives, that when he tells me to do something, to just do it. I turn around. With gentle hands, he grabbed both of my wrists and brought my hands to the closet door so that I was putting my weight on it, as if I were about to be searched. He then put his hand on my shirt where my abs are and lightly pulled me back so that I was on an incline. In spite of Kihyun’s anger, and I know that it’s there, he knew how to keep it hidden until further notice. He knows that I’m sensitive to anger and negativity that’s directed towards me, so he shows it in different less severe ways. He’s clever like that, but it still scares me.

His right hand began at my shoulder, brushing down the muscles of my bear arm past my t-shirt sleeve, down my side, and to my pants. His other hand caught up until both of his arms were around my waist, but then they began to haphazardly unbuckle my belt to loosen my pants until he was able to pull it down just past my cheeks. He suddenly cupped me and I moaned, startled by the suddenness of his actions. What once was flaccid, is now gradually hardening. In spite of everything, Kihyun’s tendency to be rough has always been a turn on for me, generally. I'm unable to help my natural reactions to it. I rested my forehead on the closet door as he moved up and down, and then his other hand began to travel and I began to breathe hard slow breaths as it rested on my ass cheek, squeezing as he continued. His index finger suddenly tried to penetrate the ring, and it hurt so much from this morning that I hissed, carelessly pushing myself away as I leaned into the closet, his hands still on me.

Kihyun’s movement ceased entirely. detaching himself from me. I pulled my pants up myself once I realized this, buttoning them as I turned my body to face him, chin raised, looking at him past my nose. Clever is an understatement when it comes to him as I came to understand what he had just done.

“He fucked you last night.” It wasn’t a question. It was clear researched knowledge.

I inhaled, biting the bullet. “Mh.”

“You broke every single fucking rule, and on top of that, you lost the ring.”

I flinched. "Now what?"

He inhaled deeply before calmly saying, “follow me." I walked behind him down a different hallway and into a bedroom. He closed the door behind us before he spoke. We entered a room that was painted a deep blue, just like The Laconic's walls. There were mirrors of different shapes and sizes everywhere. “This isn’t my room, and this isn’t a guest room.” He gave it a few seconds before he explained, “now use your imagination as to what this room is used for.” My eyes wandered, seeing black leather slings with cushioned ends hanging from the ceiling, wrist and ankle restraints at each corner of the bed, and various other features. "Don't worry, I won't be using any of my toys tonight. There's no need to. I have something else planned that doesn't require accessories."

Doe-eyed, I responded, "s-something else? Like what?" I heard my lisp clearly here.

His entire body was facing me as he watched my reactions carefully. “Remember what I said about you doing everything that I say without question?”

I nodded, looking at him. I don’t know what he has planned, but his calm exterior is giving me anxiety.

“Good. Now take off your shirt.” I grabbed my shirt from the back and pulled it forward over my head, exposing every muscle on my upper body. He stood to my left as my eyes were glued to his, and his to mine. “Now take off your pants and socks. Keep the boxers.” I removed what he told me to, tossing them to the side. Kihyun walked in front of me, observing me, tracing my bare thighs. He then leaned into my ear and whispered, “I have only two rules for you to follow this time. One is for you to not make a single sound. And the second is for you not to come.” I turned to him in a panic. “If you do any of those things, just like you broke my other rules, I’ll be the one to fuck your already sore ass from the slings,” he said as he pointed to the contraption hanging from the ceiling. “Would you like me to do that instead?”

I shook my head.

"Good. That'll be for your next visit," he said as he pointed with his eyes at the sling. "Not fucking you there is a mercy. What do you say?”

I looked down. “Thank you, sir.”

My next intake of breath came out shaking, so I held it in before releasing it in order to level it out. I know that in moments like this, one would naturally regret what they did that got them into trouble, but I really don’t regret what I did with Shownu. My plan is to also not regret it after Kihyun is done with me.

“No more sound coming from here,” he said as he brushed my lips gently with his thumb. “Are we in agreement?” His thumb rested on my bottom lip as I nodded, and then he brought his lips slowly to mine. At first, he softly kissed it, gradually nibbling it from time to time, and then he gently began to stick his tongue in my mouth as I did the same to him. Kihyun isn’t invasive. He’s good at it. It eases me.

As he did this, his hand massaged the bulge of my boxers, making sure that I was reacting well to him. Physically, I am. It was growing with every kiss he was marking on my body, as if he were wiping away any trace of Shownu. The idea of this made me frown suddenly, so I closed my eyes to not show it, masking it as pleasure, but it didn’t matter at this point because Kihyun was making his way down my chest and down to his knees. I looked down to see him removing my boxers entirely. I’m so frustrated at myself because my body was deceiving me. I see my dick almost touch his face, fully erect, before he grabbed a hold of it himself, gaining absolute control. He started to softly twist it in half-circular motions rather than a simple up-and-down movement, and that alone is sending me over the edge. His mouth began to suck on it. There were a few times where he deep-throated, but then he began to focus on the tip. His tongue moved around sensually, and then over it slowly for a time while his hand continued the motion that it was on, and this was when I had my first real urge to moan, but I can’t. He kept this up longer than I could bear, and then he moved his mouth away without looking at me as he stood up.

“Go stand beside the bed and spit on your dick, and then rub it all over. After you do that, lay down on the bed on your back and wait for me.”

As I did this without any reaction, he began to strip down in front of me until he was completely naked, I couldn’t bring myself to watch him because it felt too soon, and Shownu was fresh in my mind but he watched me instead as I aimed the spit directly. Once I was on the bed, he settled himself on top of me, a move that I’ve never done with a man before, only with women. He laid his chest flat on me, holding my neck from behind with one firm hand and his dick with the other while he kissed me. This time, his kisses were aggressive. I almost made a sound, but I stopped myself. I knew what he wanted me to do.

“Lick these two fingers,” he said as he held up my hand in between us, bending every finger down except for the index and middle finger. Once I did, he brought them to his ass and then I took it from there, inserting them slowly, but it easily went in. I entered in and out, preparing him. I easily positioned him in a way where I could get in. When I did, I entered him slowly at first, but then thrusted into him hard. As I did this, he rested his forehead on the nape of my neck. He grabbed a handful of my hair, fisting it, pulling my head back. I grabbed onto his ass cheeks, moved him up slightly and kept going harder. I wasn’t worried about how hard I went. Not like Shownu worried with me. If Kihyun were to feel pain, then I wouldn't sincerely care, and that's the fine line between the two.

But then I remembered something.

I’m not supposed to come.

“Go slow now—mm—g-good boy,” he whispered into my ear as he demanded every single move I made after that either to please himself or to torture me.

I do the heavy lifting as I help him to move his body up and down on my shaft, hearing the skin slap against each other. As I shove myself fully into him time and time again, he grabs my neck with his entire hand, tightening as he whispers into my ear, “careful, now. Remember the rules.”

I purse my lips, frustrated because the longer I go, the more painful it gets as I start to seriously hold it all in, prolonging it as much as possible. We've been going at it for so long, switched to many positions, and he's already come twice already. I've never tried edging before. This isn't something that my body is accustomed to so my balls are starting to ache, and my cock is straining to keep it in any longer. As I have him from behind now, it’s getting to be too much for me. I could have come a long while ago. His stamina is through the roof.

Fuck. Oh, fuck. It’s hurting.

“Now just the tip,” he smiled deviously back to me, “in and out slowly. That’s it. Go as deep as you can, hard now, yes, I-I’m going to,” he said as he came for a third time. I purse my lips together, closing my eyes tight, surely making a face as I try my hardest to hold it in without making a single sound, but at this point, I’m not entirely sure if I can make it without doing one or the other. All of my muscles are tense and my dick is throbbing. I’m in so much pain and he hasn’t even said that I could make a sound, yet. I removed myself from Kihyun, moving up the bed to collapse on the clean side. Sweat is glistening all over my body, feeling it drip down the side of my face. Kihyun went to hover over me, leaning on one arm. He gently rubbed my cheek before muttering with a hoarse voice, “who are you loyal to?”

My breathing is coming in long drags. I wasn’t sure whether it was safe to speak, or if it was a trick question, so I pointed wordlessly to his chest with my index finger just to be safe.

“Good boy,” he said as he brushed back my hair from my forehead, sweat making it stick to it. I hate the fact that I get this inexplicable rush of endorphins every single time Kihyun praises me that goes beyond how I’m actually feeling and thinking.

“Don’t break the rules again because the consequences will be far worse if you do.”

I wondered what could feel worse than withholding an orgasm on demand.

I turned my eyes to him as I nodded in agreement.

“You can talk,” he finally allowed after a moment of eye contact.

Instead of letting out a groan of pain, my eyes began to fill with tears. “Please do something,” I quietly begged, bringing his hand to fully cup my swollen shaft. Kihyun pursed his lips and paused, as if he had to think this through, before turning his body in my direction. He then brought his hand to my waist and turned me over towards him so that we were now facing each other, our dicks purposely touching. He wrapped his hand around both of them, rubbing them rhythmically, slow at first to start off. Our foreheads are touching as he continued, gradually getting faster. I let little moans escape me, just as he did. It took no time for me to come.

Kihyun took care of me like he promised after we were completely finished. He had cuddled me, praised me for listening to him this time, brushed my hair back softly with his fingers, but none of it made me feel any better. And I know that he can tell. It made him quiet, almost introspective.

Nothing changes the fact that I still feel trapped.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I ended up asking for a week off after that night with Kihyun so that I could take care of myself. I used my stitches as an excuse, but in reality, all I wanted to do was to turn off my phone and to hide under my covers from everyone, including Minhyuk. Unfortunately, that’s not possible. It’s been a week already, and my first shift back is about to start now. I’m thankful that the bruising on my face has gone down significantly, and so has the pain. All I have is a small bandage to show for it.

I still haven’t found my ring, and as time passed, this fear grew in me that maybe I had dropped it somewhere in Shownu’s apartment. It would be the only logical explanation, but I'd rather risk never seeing it again than have it be there. 

When I entered The Laconic, it felt different.

Min caught my eyes immediately as I went inside the lounge area where the bar is, but I didn’t say a word since he was entertaining a client. I began to take notice of the choker he wore with the ring, the only doll here to be wearing one. The thought of Min being in a somewhat similar situation as I am with Kihyun hasn’t settled well with me. I’m beginning to see things in a different way.

In true Minhyuk style, he left his client to another doll only to come see me once I began my work behind bar.

“Water?” he began with a wide smile. This was a decoy to stay and talk more. I nodded, handing him a glass. Before he sipped, he said, “you didn’t answer my calls all week.”

I focused on cleaning, avoiding eye contact. “I needed space.”

“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about him. I couldn’t.”

“He wouldn’t let you,” I assumed.

Min nodded. A few silent seconds pass. “I know you went to see him. I know that something happened, and I don’t know what exactly, but he said that he wants me to keep an eye out for big-lips," he said with the glass of water to his lips, hiding his words as he referenced Shownu. "Whatever it was has had him all riled up. He’s been cooped up in his office this entire time alone. He told me to tell you to go see him once you get in.”

I sighed.

Min’s lips pursed. “From 1 to 10,” he said so casually that from a possible stranger’s perspective, it wouldn’t mean much, but it means a lot to us. He used the words that I often use with him. It was what I usually asked him when he leaves a room looking distressed after seeing a questionable client. This time, he was asking about how my time with Kihyun had been.

Ten being extremely unpleasant and cruel.

I looked at Min. “Eight.”

He breathed out, concern clear on his face, but then quickly smiled for show as he drank more water. With the glass covering his lips he muttered, “was there care after?”

“Mh." A few quiet seconds pass. “I need to know something,” I began, and he waited. “Is he ever a ten with you?”

Min shook his head. “The highest is a six, but that’s because I actually listen and I don’t break the rules. The more you listen, the sweeter he becomes. For your sake, please just don’t break his rules. That’s all he asks.”

“What are his rules for you?” I asked curiously.

He shook his head apologetically.

Right. He can’t tell me.

Suddenly, something caught my eyes as they flickered over his shoulder to see a man standing at the entrance of the lounge, and my breathing hitched. Minhyuk turned immediately to see who it was that had my full attention. He then rapidly jumped off of his seat to greet Shownu, who had his eyes on mine as the blood rushed to my head.

Idiot! Why are you here? You'll get us all in trouble. God, you look so good.

I'm standing here paralyzed, but i'm panicking out of my mind on the inside.

Without a single word, Min went to quickly grab a hold of Shownu's hand and abruptly brought him to the corridor of mirrors and rooms.

Out of sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t forget or hesitate to leave kudos and comments at the bottom of each chapter. They keep writers like me happy and inspired. I hope you enjoy!


	6. Lie, Lie, Truth.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What’s the arrangement between them?”  
> “Are you sure you want to know? It might change how you view Wonho,” Minhyuk said.  
> “I’m sure,” I agreed as I leaned forward, readying myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! There was a big delay between the last chapter and this one because I was taking a break. Truthfully, I was struggling. I had begun to second guess whether to continue this story or not, worried about whether you'd like it or if new people would even read it, but then I would remind myself that there are those of you who give me feedback and tell me how much you look forward to what comes next. So I wanted to write this little bit as an appreciation blurb for you. Leaving comments and feedback gives writers like me the silent inspiration and motivation, the extra push to continue to do what I love, even if it terrifies me to expose my talent as a writer. With that, I can't thank you enough. I am grateful. Please forgive me for the lateness.
> 
> \- To make up for this, I made this chapter longer.  
> \- We are back in Shownu's POV.  
> \- SVT member cameo in this chapter, as well as the upcoming chapters.  
> \- Next week's chapter is in someone else's POV (surprise).
> 
> I'm going to address the character of Kihyun for a second. Regarding the last chapter, I know that, as fans, we would expect to have our faves be portrayed with good character personalities, as protagonists. But what fun would that be? Just to put it out there, as a loyal Monbebe, Kihyun is my ult, my MX bias. I adore him. But giving him the traits that I've given him was me stepping outside of a box, colouring outside the lines, if you will. I have the most fun writing him. He's problematic, arrogant, sensitive, but not entirely evil if you look closely.

The week passed by painfully slow as I did my normal routine, but nothing seemed to satisfy me anymore. I spent a lot of that time avoiding Changkyun, decluttering my mind of Hyungwon and my family, but the one thing that I couldn’t seem to toss out of there was Wonho. He's strong, immovable. He gripped onto almost every thought. Every time I got home, or was simply lounging around the apartment, I knew that his ring was tucked inside my bedside table drawer. It was like a magnet, always pulling me towards it every so often either mentally or physically in order to give it the attention it wants, maybe even deserves. It got to the point where it felt like torture to be near it because all I wanted to do was grab it, get in my car, and head to The Laconic in order to properly rid of it.

But I stop myself each time, remembering Wonho’s words to not go back even though his reasoning was vague. 

I’ve spoken to Changkyun and Jooheon a few times over the phone, though I avoided seeing them for fear that they would invite Hyungwon. I feel like a coward, but it’s too soon. I’m not ready yet for those interactions. Having the ring around started to feel very intrusive, so I called up Jooheon, who then came over once I got home from work Thursday night.

“Is everything okay, hyung?” were his first words as he came through the door.

“Mh,” I lied with pursed lips as I closed the door, but that defeats the purpose of him being here, so I turned it around quickly with the truth once we sat down on the couch. “Jooheon-ah, I need advice.” Jooheon’s eyebrows arched in shock. After all, I’m not usually the one to ask for any advice, but he nodded.

“What is it?” he asked.

Looking down at his shirt, I avoid his eyes for a bit as I gather all of my thoughts and words together. “Do you remember the last time that I saw you, how I told you about how Wonho said for me to never go back to The Laconic?” He looked at me adamantly and nodded, waiting silently as I continued. “I found this in my apartment near the entrance,” I explained as I removed the ring from my pocket. I placed it on the palm of my hand as I stretched my arm out to Jooheon for him to get a better look at it. His lips pursed and eyes narrowed as he scanned it.

“I’ve never seen a ring like that before. I’m guessing it’s not yours.”

“No, it’s his.”

“How do you know?”

“When I went to get his medication in his pocket the night he stayed over, it was in there. But then after he left, I found it on the ground in my closet.”

“What are you thinking?”

I shrugged my shoulders, sighing. “I don’t know, that’s why I need your advice. I want to give it back to him, but at the same time, he told me not to go back. But I also don’t want it here. It could be valuable.”

“Given everything you’ve told me, what I don’t get is why he told you not to go back. None of this makes sense.”

I took a deep breath. “I think it has something to do with his boss.”

“What’s the deal with his boss, then?”

I huffed. “He’s—” I hesitated, trying to find the right word to describe Kihyun, “—tough.”

“But have you seen yourself though, man?” Jooheon laughed, wide-eyed. “You can take him on, bet.”

I shook my head. “Not physically tough. He has a lot of power. If you met him, you would know what I mean. It’s intimidating. Wonho is a tough man too, more so than I am, and he can’t even look his boss straight in the eyes.”

Jooheon suddenly gazed at me with a concentrated expression. “Okay, what kind of power are we talking, here?”

“I still haven’t found that out.” After I said that, I realized the wording that I used, so I backtracked, “I mean, I’m not sure I’ll ever find out.”

“Well why not?”

“Like I said before, he doesn’t want me there.”

“So? Hyung, listen,” he leaned forward, “you’re clearly feeling a type of way about Wonho. You rarely care about things like this. Didn’t you say that he said that he didn’t want to leave, but that he had to?” I nodded. “Then I think that it’s worth going there at least one more time to give it one more try even if it’s just to hand over his ring and leave.”

“Okay but—” I paused, attempting to think it through, but then Jooheon interrupted.

“Take your shot, man. What are you afraid of?” Jooheon pushed.

I hesitated, but thankfully he gave me time to reply. “I’m not afraid for me. I guess I’m just worried about what his boss will do to him if I show up looking for him,” I admitted.

“If you want me to come with you, I will.” He then smiled with his eyes, “Shownu-hyung, I got your back, you don’t have to worry.

I feel like I could breathe again.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following night, Jooheon joined me like he said he would. There was a torrential downpour of rain at this moment, so we ran for the entrance of The Laconic. The outside of the brothel was clear with no one around to eavesdrop as we stopped just in front of the double doors, the rain pounding on the glass. On the ride over, I had told Jooheon what to expect, informing him about the dolls, the environment, Minhyuk, and especially Kihyun.

“If we see him, just don’t engage,” I warned him, referring to Kihyun. “Please, just let me do the talking.”

“Why?” he asked suspiciously.

“Because the man knows how to get under people’s skin. He’s good at it. And I don’t want anyone to be problematic in there.

“But I wouldn’t be problematic, you know that.”

“But he can be. I only just met the man and he already managed to make me feel like I want to dislocate his jaw. He’s clever and very subtle.”

“Shownu-hyung,” he began as he brought a gentle hand to my arm and stopped me from opening the door. I turn my head to see that Jooheon looked hesitant, his eyebrows furrowed as his head slightly tilted. “Why do I feel like there’s a lot more to this than just giving back a ring?”

He’s onto something, just like I am. We’re both on the same page.

My lips pursed, inhaling deeply. I want to tell him that I wonder the same thing, and that it’s also mixed in with a bad feeling. I’m trying to figure it all out myself, but I chose not to say anything. The way Wonho acted whenever Kihyun was brought up somehow, it makes me uneasy to think about. That day, Wonho wanted to stay there longer with me. He wanted to be there, but he was pulled away, and that pull seemed aggressive. If he had only said that he didn’t want to stay, maybe I wouldn’t be here, maybe I would have tossed the ring out eventually, but he did and I haven’t been able to dismiss the thoughts of him ever since.

Instead, I went with, “come, let’s get this done and over with.”

Jooheon nodded and followed me in. When we got passed security and entered the hall of mirrors and rooms, I turned to see how he was doing. He looked curious as he casually eyed his surroundings. By this point, my heart was just about ready to beat out of my chest as we were closing the gap between the hall and the lounging area with the bar. It’s crowded here tonight, more so than the first time that I was here. When we got to the end, I halted Jooheon by touching his wrist, and he quickly stopped. I casually peaked in to see first, and then immediately saw Wonho at the bar talking to Minhyuk. They were both having an extremely quiet conversation. Wonho’s eyes looked the same way they did the first night I met him when he was behind bar, but now I’m slightly more aware of what they mean. My body retracts and I turned to face Jooheon, nodding. He then casually did the same in order to get a better look at who Wonho was.

“Fuck me, the man is jacked,” he muttered under his breath once he hid again.

“Wait here. If I need you, you’ll know.”

“Mh, sure man, whatever you say,” Jooheon said as he leaned against the wall, making himself comfortable for the wait.

I turn, take a deep breath, and step out into the open and in full view, taking those few steps forward. Wonho looks tired, exhausted even, seen with a bandage over the gash, but with no more bruising. In spite of this, he still looks really good. His blonde hear was standing up a bit, as if he had just gotten out of bed as he brushed it back quickly with his fingers. The moment he saw me just as I stepped out, he became doe-eyed as his plump lips pursed and frame tensed. For a few seconds, nothing happened. It wasn’t until Minhyuk turned to see me that everything around us sped up suddenly. While Wonho stood frozen in that same position, Min jumped out of his seat and marched towards me and without a single word, he grabbed a hold of me and began pulling me back towards the hall of mirrors in the opposite direction of Wonho. This startled Jooheon, who’s head tilted and a concerned expression followed us before pushing himself up off the wall to grab a hold of my wrist in order to stop us in our tracks. Min then stopped abruptly to glare at Jooheon, realizing that I came with a friend, and then at me as if he were on high-alert, but then his eyes softened. “This is a private matter, and I can’t take more than one of you into my room unless you pay the price, it’s against the rules if I do, which means your friend needs to stay put for a bit,” he said to me before looking directly at Jooheon. “Do you think that you can do that, honey?”

Jooheon stared at Minhyuk.

“Jooheon-ah,” I quietly said as I caught his attention, “this is Minhyuk.”

His eyes looked to Minhyuk, narrowing, but he bowed his head slightly. "I've seen you before," a second passed before he added, "not here."

Minhyuk took a second to scan Jooheon's face before he softly smiled, shaking his head. "I'm sure you have," he said simply. Min then tugged at my hand without removing his eyes from Jooheon. "Don't worry, I only perform for paying customers," he teased, almost reassuringly.

I nodded to Jooheon, who seemed lost for words as he let go of me. He then leaned back against the wall, his hands in his pocket, expressionless eyes, and chin slightly raised.

“Quickly now, we have eyes on us,” Minhyuk muttered as he started to pull me away from Jooheon, but we didn’t even take a single step before a door suddenly opened and out came Kihyun with a doll at his side just a few feet away. He was a doll with shaggy blonde hair parted in the middle, small lips, pale complexion and soft eyes, a doll with the very same attire as Minhyuk but in white, one who most likely spied on us for Kihyun. "Thank you, Jeonghan," Kihyun said to the doll. The doll then bowed before walking away, side-glancing Minhyuk on his way, leaving Kihyun alone with us. I remember this particular doll having been near the exit once we got upstairs. Minhyuk's gaze followed him with mouth slightly open, looking shocked, maybe even betrayed, but then he recovered quickly as his eyes refocused on Kihyun.

There wasn’t a smile on Kihyun’s face at first, but after a few seconds of silence, one had appeared abruptly. “Ah, Wonho’s hero,” was Kihyun’s greeting to me.

Jooheon had a small reaction to this. I covertly raised my hand so that only Jooheon saw, silently telling him to not move or react. Thankfully, he seemed to have noticed as he leaned back against the wall, keeping his eyes straight ahead of him glued to the wall and away from the scene. I assume his ears are open though, cautious. Kihyun didn't seem to notice him. 

“He made a last-minute appointment with me,” Minhyuk tried to cover up quickly yet casually, “you know, the one that you offered him for free the last time he was here.”

Kihyun’s eyebrow twitched as he acknowledged Minhyuk with a look. “I didn’t realize that it was applicable to you,” he said to him with a grin, though even I can see right through it. He clearly wasn’t happy that it was Minhyuk and not some other doll taking me on. Minhyuk straightened up the slightest bit, smiling in spite of it. “But I guess you make a point,” he sighed, and then gazed at me with a soft expression, which seems unusual. Suddenly, his polite customer service voice came on. “Thirty minutes should be enough for a free session, don’t you think?”

I don’t say a word to that, but I nod once in agreement.

“You got it,” Minhyuk agreed cheerfully, making the mood lighter, urging me to follow him with one arm around my arm while his other hand held mine. I was suddenly being led towards the door closest to Jooheon. I looked back to see Kihyun, who was clearly making his way towards Wonho. I felt like stopping and following him, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I turn to look at Minhyuk, who was using a key to get the door unlocked and after entering, he locked it once again behind us and turned around before hissing, “are you fucking crazy coming back here? And with a friend, no less.”

“What makes it so crazy?” I asked with slight aggression, genuinely curious and frustrated.

“Because Kihyun knows all about you and Wonho, about the night you spent together. He’s aware of _everything_. If you’re not careful, you’ll end up getting yourself into trouble, and don't take this as an exaggeration.” Minhyuk took a deep breath and sighed. “As much as I love seeing those big lips of yours again,” he said as he brushed one hand on my cheek, “and as rude and elusive as this will all sound,” he heavily dropped his hand, “this, you being here, can't happen again.”

“Are they in a relationship?” I quickly asked.

He inhaled. “It’s not my place to say anything, but take my word for it. You need to leave. This isn't your territory.”

“But I have a reason to be here,” I confessed.

Minhyuk breathed hard from his nose. “Okay, what is it?”

I began to shuffle through my jeans pocket to retrieve Wonho’s ring before holding it out on the palm of my hand for him to see. “Since you already know he was at my place, I figure that you should know that he had dropped this while there.”

Minhyuk took a better look at it, and his eyes suddenly widened. “No wonder—” he began under his breath, but then stopped himself. His head shook for a second before his tone changed. “I mean, Wonho should have that back if that’s his. I’ll give it to him for you.” He then suddenly extended his hand towards mine in order to grab it, but I enclosed the ring in a fist, and brought it back towards my chest so that there is no way that he could retrieve it.

“’No wonder’ what?” I asked.

He looked at me, mouth agape, but then he closed it quickly. “Nothing,” he averted.

I suddenly felt the urge to ask, “what is this ring?”

Minhyuk swallowed, lips pursed before he relaxed his body. He then exhaled, almost as if he were giving in to something. “He just needs it back.”

“’Needs?’” I repeated. There’s that word again.

“Mh,” he nodded his head, looking down at my hand eagerly.

“I want to know what this ring signifies, and then I’ll give it back to him.”

Air escaped his nose. “You’re playing with fire, that’s what it means,” he admitted.

“Could you please be a little more specific?”

Minhyuk took a moment, and decided to turn around and walk towards the bed. He sat on it, his big hands denting the covers as he leaned back on it. The other hand extended in front of him as he pointed with an open palm faced upwards to a chair just across from him that was close by. “Sit then since we have about twenty-five minutes left.”

I went to sit where he pointed, and then I began to feel a little uneasy, wishing that it was Wonho sitting in front of me telling me whatever it is and not Minhyuk.

He sighed. “Do you like my brother?”

My head tilted. “Like?”

“Yes, feelings, do you have them for Wonho?” he said as he brushed his rather long fingers through his light blue hair, his lips slightly parted.

I nodded before quietly admitting, “mh.”

“I can see that you do, and that you’re a good man. If you weren’t, we wouldn’t have the conversation that we’re about to have. You see, I’m extremely protective of Wonho.”

“You’re a good friend.”

A smile twitched on his lips, but his expression turned serious. “Now, you asked me about the ring. Kihyun had given it to him a little while ago. It’s very significant. He’s in a lot of trouble for not having it. You see, they both have an arrangement, and that ring solidifies it, almost like a wedding band and a signed contract. Do you see this?” he said, gently brushing the choker band he has on with a similar but larger hoop on it, “Kihyun gave this to me. It means that I have an arrangement with him as well, but a different version. Maybe not the same as Wonho’s, but the padlock and key are there.”

My head tilted. “Is that what it signifies? Possession?”

“It isn’t like I didn’t agree to his offer. Personally, I did agree to it. I am Kihyun’s by choice. I guess you can call it a different type of relationship, one with a severe set of rules.”

“But did Wonho agree?”

“Tell me, when you first saw Wonho, was he wearing the ring?”

I stayed quiet for a second, thinking back, but not recalling ever seeing him actually wear it given that I had found it in his pocket to begin with. “No,” I replied.

“Then there’s your answer. He hasn’t agreed to Kihyun's terms completely, yet. Once you see him wearing it, then you’ll know that it's a done deal. But you don’t have to worry, it’s all by choice. He’s not being forced to do it. Pressured, maybe. But even Kihyun has morals. Maybe even a heart. He’s just a bit persistent and hard-headed, addicted to getting what he wants, and that's why I am his. I willingly give Kihyun what he wants. That's just me, though. I need you to know that Wonho’s acceptance is important to him.” Minhyuk then licked his bottom lip, now playing around with the hoop of his choker while staring down at the bed to his side as if he were taken away by his thoughts for a few seconds. “From what I assume,” he smiled as he looked at me, “since I don’t know the whole story, is that Wonho is in the process of accepting, and now that he no longer has the ring, well, you can only imagine how that's made Kihyun feel.”

“What’s the arrangement between them?”

“Are you sure you want to know? It might change how you view Wonho,” Minhyuk said.

“I’m sure,” I agreed as I leaned forward, readying myself.

“Kihyun would offer him a home, a gym of his own since it was a big interest of his, and financial security in exchange for sex and control over most aspects of his life. Monetary earnings, relationships, and body. You see, Kihyun thrives off of that control. With that control, he already Wonho started with a home and a job, and this was necessary for Wonho because, you see, Wonho came from having absolutely nothing. This was up until Kihyun found him sitting just outside this building with nowhere to go. Under usual circumstances, Kihyun would have had him removed immediately in some way or another, but he didn’t and that spoke volumes. He would give him coffee and food every day so that he would stay put and not go anywhere, and it worked. Don’t tell him I said anything, but Kihyun would gush about the man sitting outside to me behind closed doors. He would say how he liked his expressionless eyes the most. It almost sounded as if he wanted him, and then I realized that he did. Kihyun thought he was valuable in spite of all that he lacked. For a while, it was just Kihyun and I, but then Wonho came into the picture, and it became the three of us. Not like that. We never did anything together. Kihyun would never put us in that sort of situation. He doesn't like sharing." He sighed before continuing, "going back to what I was saying, after a week of seeing him outside, Kihyun started to ask him questions while ‘getting some fresh air’, but there was one day when the man wasn't anywhere to be seen outside and I could tell that it stressed Kihyun out that day, though he never spoke of it. But when Wonho returned the next day, he had bruises on his cheek bone, and so Kihyun couldn't take it anymore. He didn't want this opportunity to slip away again and decided to offer him a job, giving him the option of bartender or security. Wonho was sceptical at first, but he jumped at the opportunity. Though it came at a price. Without Kihyun, both him and I would have nothing. With him, we feel safe and cared for. Secure.”

“Cared for?” I questioned, unable to fathom this thought in this type of circumstance.

“Believe it or not, yes. If you do what he says and follow his rules, then yes, but Wonho has his moments. Like I said before, it gets him into a lot of trouble.” Minhyuk had said this the first night we met, but now that I’m more informed, it seems to take on a whole new meaning.

For a moment, he stopped talking as he suddenly eyed me. I must be giving off some sort of expression. The room went quiet, and this stillness goes on for some time as I take it all in, considering all of this information. In the meantime, my eyes are glued to my fisted hand that’s resting on my leg, the one with the ring inside.

“All of this money,” I began, “where does it all come from? It can’t just come through this brothel if he can afford that much."

“Here’s where you have to promise me that you will never tell a soul. Not even that handsome friend of yours that’s parked right outside this room. This stays confidential or else you’ll be fed to the wolves sooner or later.”

“I won’t say anything,” I mumbled as I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees as I prepared myself for whatever he was going to say.

Minhyuk sighed, leaning back on his hand, brushing his light blue hair back again with the other. I picked up on his slow uneven blinking, a trait I noticed on the first night, but only for a short period of time. Now I see that it happens more often than not, and it was attractive. “You’re right. Kihyun doesn’t just own this brothel,” he began to explain with a soft voice, “he doesn’t work solely as a manager. Yoo Kihyun has his hands-on old money. Have you ever heard of The Clan?”

My eyebrows furrowed as I thought about it, and then I nodded. “Yes,” I said, inwardly recalling news reports on various occasions. Some good, like money donations and foundation launches, but most were tainted. It was mainly mob related crimes around the city, money laundering, heavy drug distributing, which is a dirty business in itself to get into, gun violence, even murder, and theft that trail back to the group. They seemed to always be excused due to lack of sufficient evidence. They were good at what they did. The police have always had their work cut out for them when it comes to that powerful group. Whenever they popped up in the news, I always tuned out due to all of the negativity. “But what does Kihyun have to do with them?”

Minhyuk smirked. “I hope you’re asking with discretion.” He took a second as he observed me, but then he sighed. “His father is the big boss, the one to make headlines.”

“How come I’ve never heard of Kihyun before this?”

“Because he tends to lay low, real low, and prefers to do things his own way. He's a lot more discreet than his father’s men, who he deems old and sloppy in spite of their efficient work. He says that's why they're always making headlines. When Kihyun needs to settle things, he does so in a very low-key manner right under people’s noses and usually without a trace with his own men.”

“How do you know?”

“Hmm,” he sighed once again, “whenever it’s just him and I, he tends to tell me stories.”

“What kind of stories?”

“Really interesting ones. Some fake, some real, but always confidential, just like this conversation,” he smiled. “That’s how clever Kihyun is. You never know which is a lie and which is the truth, so realistically speaking, I know but I also don’t know. He has his own empire, his own taste, unlike his fathers, and The Laconic is just an asset of his where he lays headquarters. This building and all that goes on inside of it,” Minhyuk said with a smooth wave of his hand, “this is entirely detached from his father’s agenda. No one would ever catch the big boss stepping foot in here. Frankly, he's disgusted with his sons proclivities, but allows it. Kihyun likes this fact because it means that he won't be bothered here, but if the big boss ever does show his face here, then you know it’s serious.”

There was a pause.

I felt my lips curl inwards and my eyebrows furrow as I tried to piece things together before I said, “so what you’re telling me is that Kihyun is dangerous.”

Minhyuk eyed me for a second before nodding slowly. "Yes."

So, this was Kihyun’s power.

“What type of dangerous?”

“The type that stores an easy-access silencer gun nearby just in case and has body guards dressed as dolls.”

"Under cover dolls?"

Minhyuk huffed, rolling his eyes. "I assume you saw one just now before we came inside the room."

The doll named Jeonghan?

"Assume? You mean you didn't know that he was a body guard before?" Minhyuk looked down to the side as he avoided my eyes, looking almost resentful. I inhaled. 

"It's a messy business," Minhyuk said.

I couldn't help but to ask, “can I talk to Wonho?”

Minhyuk turned to look at me once again as his expression changed. He looked like he suddenly pitied me. “No, sir, you can’t. Not especially when Kihyun is here, still, and not after you fucked my friend good. Both of your actions have made you Kihyun’s target. His only target. You’ve shown clear interest in Wonho, and as someone who actually generally likes you as a person, I’m warning you to be careful because Kihyun is fully aware. He already—” Minhyuk began, but then stopped himself abruptly, his lips turning into a straight line.

“’He already’ what? Did he do something to Wonho?”

Minhyuk stared at me, slightly wide-eyed for a moment. “I can’t really be telling you these things, can I, now?”

“Fine, I’ll respect that,” I said in spite of my burning curiosity.

“Great, now may I have the ring? You said I could if I told you.”

“Technically, I said I would give it back to him if you did.”

His eyes narrowed, burning through me. “You—”

“Tell him to meet me at my apartment when he doesn’t have any eyes on him. At night, preferably,” I said as I handed him a pre-written piece of paper with my address and phone number on it. “I want to talk to him. I need more than just a second-hand conversation with you. Please do this for me.”

Minhyuk eyed the paper. His lips then curled inwards, deeply inhaling. “Do you want to die? You do know the risk that you’d be putting all three of us in if Kihyun ever finds out about this, right? You have absolutely no idea what that sort of action would result in if he gets caught with you.

“I'll take the fall for it all. You have my word, regardless. I won’t let anything happen to either of you, so please. I know—

“I don’t—” he interrupted.

“—I know that all of this is putting you in a bad position, and I hate the idea of that,” I interrupted, “and I don’t mean to, but I wouldn’t do any of this if these feelings weren’t real,” I explained as I brought the fist with the ring in it to my chest. “And I know that you would tell me straight up if those feelings weren't reciprocated, but they are, aren't they?”

Minhyuk eyed me for a few seconds, and then sighed. “You’ve convinced me,” he grumbled as he snatched the piece of paper and placed it in his pocket. “I think we’re done here now. Your unpaid thirty minutes are up.”

I got up from my seat and headed towards the door filled with adrenaline and sudden hope. I then turned half-way to Minhyuk to bow to him, and his lips twitched once more into a smile before I exited.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few days pass and I was back at work. I thought that perhaps, Wonho would have come sometime during the weekend after I dropped by The Laconic, but I was wrong and I’ve been on edge ever since. I suppose it has something to do with Kihyun being around him so much, knowing what I know now. My thoughts progressively went in the direction that maybe I’ll just have to move on as it came closer to an entire week of waiting. It’s not like anything serious had started. I took my shot, and I was shot down.

But it wasn’t until nine in the evening that next Friday that I heard the buzzer go off loud and abrupt. I was exhausted from work, having just arrived, still with my dress shirt, pants, and tie loosely hanging, when I went to go answer the intercom.

“Hello?”

It was silent for a few seconds before a low uncertain voice came through. “Shownu-hyung?”

My heart jumped a little bit as heat found my face. I stood there, frozen. It didn’t sound like any of my friends, not any who would drop by unannounced. “Wonho-ah?” I guessed.

“Mh,” he replied.

“I’ll buzz you up,” I responded as I press the unlock button. I’m sure he got my note from Minhyuk, which has the floor and room number on it, so he’s able to come up on his own.

In a flustered state, I quickly went to look in the mirror, and I realize that I look just like I did the night that I met him. I didn’t bother with any of it. As long as I look decent. I rushed into my room, opened the drawer and removed the ring before shutting it closed and placing it in my pocket. It took a couple of minutes, but there was finally a knock on the door. I go to open it, and there he was standing there, staring at me for some time before tearing his gaze away. I can tell that he’s nervous as he looked at everything but me after silently entering the apartment, making sure that no one was behind him. His simple black t-shirt, jeans, leather jacket and boots are drenched from the rain with no umbrella in sight.

“Here, let me hang that,” I insisted, holding my hand out for his jacket as he removed his boots.

He shook his head. “I won’t be staying long. I probably shouldn't even be removing my boots,” he said just as he placed them off to the side.

My head fell to one side. “Please don’t leave just yet,” I find myself suddenly pleading as I hold onto the sleeve of his jacket. It was an impulsive move, reflexive, and it surprised me just as much as it did him from the looks of it. He inhaled deeply before looking up at me, eyebrows furrowed, eyes suddenly wide and sad.

“I just need my ring back and then I’ll leave,” he whispered once he quietly recovered, his palm up for the ring.

“Please,” I said under my breath. I flinched at this. I never beg. “Can I just ask you something before I give it back, then?” my voice returned to a normal volume.

"Hyung—" he began.

"I just need to know one thing," I whispered. Wonho’s hand slowly dropped back down as he waited for what I was about to say. “I need you to answer as truthfully as you possibly can. If you answer no, you can walk out the door with the ring and you won’t hear from me again. I can promise you this completely. I’m not one to hang on to someone who does not feel the same as I do. You have my word.” I look at him softly before saying, “Minhyuk told me about the agreement that you have with Kihyun, maybe not all of it, but the basis.” Wonho didn’t move a muscle at that, so I continued, assuming that he already knew this. “What I want to know is if Kihyun weren’t in the picture, and if you both didn’t have that agreement set, would you have stayed longer that day with me?” I then added, “would you have wanted to keep seeing me after that?”

I can see his jaw clench as he looked down to the floor between our feet with a deadened expression. There’s a struggle happening right now inside of his head, I can tell. “N-no,” he stuttered, his lips sealing shut after that, turning into a straight line as he avoided my eyes. He then silently lifted up his hand, palm up, as he looked to the side while continuing to avoid me.

I inhaled a deep breath. It's over.

“My word means something,” I muttered, forcing a smile as I gently place the ring in the palm of his hand.

He side-glanced the ring in his hand before his eyes widened. Almost as though he were surprised that I had even put it there so easily. Perhaps he didn’t believe me. Maybe he thought that I would put up a bigger fight. Or maybe he wished that I would.

“Thank you,” he said before putting the ring in the pocket of his jeans. A part of me was relieved that he didn't put it directly on his finger, but what does that matter now? He slowly walked backwards towards the door before putting his boots back on, which took him a bit. This time passed silently as the shuffling noises were all that was heard as he bent down to tie the laces. I leaned against the closet door with one shoulder, my hands in the pockets of my pants, trying to steady my nerves as I wait for him to finish. As I watched him, I observed that his hands were shaking. Once he was done, he straightened up and exhaled before nodding. “Goodbye,” he muttered under his breath, bowing his body really low this time. I bowed my head, feeling my chest sink as I repeated that same word. He turned to open the door and left so quickly that the door closing caught me off guard.

I was unable to move for a bit, seeing if he would change his mind, but he didn’t. With that, I forced myself to undress from my work clothes, needing to be in something fresh. Maybe it would help to dilute this feeling that’s trapped in my chest, the sharp pain that usually manifests when I’m feeling alone again. I hold my hand flat to my chest after laying down on my back on the couch. I stare up at the ceiling, trying to still my racing heart but for whatever reason, it’s just getting worse. There’s a lump in my throat now, and a pressure headache building, and then suddenly, my eyes start to blur. I bunch up the nearby blanket that’s on the couch and wipe the tears away, but the more I wipe, the more they come until I just keep the blanket to my face and let them come out. But then I start to sniffle, air getting caught in my chest as I try to control myself, but I can’t. I sob into it, instead.

Why does no one good want to be with me?

It’s the same question I ask myself every time, and the more I ask, the more painful it all gets. All I can hear right now are these gradually decreasing cries coming from me and the heavy rain hammering the window, which was slowly calming me and lulling me to sleep. This went on for a while until everything went quiet and dark.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The intercom buzzer went off.

I open my eyes quickly, and look at my watch to see that it’s close to two in the morning. I had fallen into a heavy sleep on the couch. As I got up into a seated position, I began to wonder who the fuck would call up at this hour, but then I remembered what happened before I had fallen asleep. I got up and just before speaking through the intercom, I looked to the nearby mirror and saw that under-eye bags had formed due to both exhaustion and crying. In normal circumstances, I wouldn’t let anyone see me in this state. Maybe it was a mistake, and someone pressed the wrong button. I inhale a shaky breath before answering with a tired croaky voice.

“Hello?” I answered. A few seconds passed in silence, so I repeated myself.

“I lied to you,” was the slow response, a weak sound, but I heard it clearly. I stopped breathing for a bit as I listened. “I was just scared to get close to you because, well, now you know that I can’t and why I can’t. But,” he hesitated before carefully admitting, “I like you.” He sounded so close to the intercom, almost as if he were leaning his head against it. He paused before saying, “and I did want to stay longer. I still do.”

I stand still, taking in deep quiet breaths, feeling my chest as my heart pounds. After a few seconds of silent contemplation without a single word from the two of us, I buzzed him up and suddenly I was in hyper-drive knowing that he was coming up, wide awake and skeptical about what would come of this.

“Shit,” I cursed as I brushed back my hair with both hands. I open the door and the hallway is empty with no one in sight. I wait, and it took a couple of minutes, but I heard the elevator ding open, and out came Wonho. His hair looked completely damp. Was he in the rain all this time? I stood outside of my apartment facing his direction, and then he began to pace towards me. He looked to be in a hurry for something, but I wasn’t going anywhere, until he had smacked his lips against mine and it all made sense.

His hands went to cup my face, gently grabbing a firm hold of my jaw and the back of my ears while my arms wrapped around his waist, holding tightly, bringing him as close to me as possible despite the wet clothing. I can feel that he’s absolutely soaked from top to bottom, the tips of his hair dripping onto my face. In spite of the coldness of his touch, we kissed aggressively, and we continued to do so as I blindly led him inside the apartment, one arm wrapped around his waist as I closed the door with the other hand. We twirled until my back slammed against the closet door, and we both slid down until I was in a seated position with my back against the closet with legs sprawled out while he landed on his knees in between them, suddenly kneeling right in front of me. The kissing gradually slows down until his last slow taste of my bottom lip. We were both breathing heavily as our foreheads touch, though we did so at the very same time, each inhale and exhale in sync with each other. It wasn’t until we steadied our breathing that we began to talk.

"I never left,” he muttered as he shook his head.

I disconnect myself slightly from him to get a better look at his face. “What do you mean?”

His lips pursed together. He looks tired, so tired still, and yet he’s here. “When I left your apartment, I got as far as the outside of this building, but then I just couldn’t go any farther. Don’t get mad, but I sat right outside.”

I flinched at this image, at his words, thinking about how he used to sit right outside of The Laconic when he had nothing. It suddenly hurt to think about this and made me feel awful. “In the rain?” I tried hard to not sound alarmed but I feel like I already failed. 

“I’ve sat through worse,” he admitted, feeding those thoughts. I cringed.

“I would never get mad at that. But why would you do that?”

His eyes suddenly zoned out, keeping them focused on my left shoulder as he shrugged his own. “I knew that I had a lot to think about, and it started to give me anxiety. The kind where you can’t breathe. Like the more steps I took away from here, from you, the harder it was to get air in because I knew that I would never see you again, so I just sat down. I couldn’t bring myself to move.”

In turn, I zoned out on his left shoulder just as he did. When I spoke, my voice came out low and husky, maybe from the lack of sleep, or maybe from the sudden lump in my throat from hearing what he was saying. “When you left,” I cleared it, “I felt this pain in my chest. I’ve felt this pain for years now. I was told that it’s from all of the built-up anxiety, but I know myself well enough to understand that the cause of it is from feeling alone. This pain that came after you left earlier,” I paused, taking a deep breath, “it hurt more than any other time before.”

His facial expression changed. He looked concerned. Worried, maybe. “How does your chest feel now?”

Both of my arms tightened around him as we made eye contact, our faces so close to each other. With a relaxed face and a tight smile, I nodded at him, our noses almost touching. “It feels okay. It hurts still, but not nearly as much.” I gazed up at his eyebrow, and saw the small bandage where the stitches and gash are. With my middle finger, I went to brush his eyebrow softly. “It looks better.”

He offered a lop-sided grin to that as air escaped his nose, thanking me. “Could have been worse, right?”

I looked at him again, this time, feeling the effects of the ‘what if’ it had been worse? What if I had not been there? “I’m just relieved that it wasn’t, that I was there when I was,” I muttered, giving a small squeeze of his waist with my one arm.

Wonho looked at me for a few seconds, and then something changed. The vibe is subtly shifting, as if I could see a thought enter his mind. His thick lips pursed and eyebrows knitted while his eyes, which are unblinking, went back to staring at my shoulder. His mind became preoccupied, and had me shifting his weight, lifting him a bit, repositioning him so that he is now in a seated position on my lap while his legs wrap comfortably around me. To someone else, they would probably think that he’s too heavy because of his muscle mass but to me, not at all. It feels almost natural, like we fit. In the process, my own clothing is getting wet, but I don’t mind.

“I can’t stand being alone,” he confessed, our foreheads touching again while his arms rest on my shoulders and loosely around my neck. I waited for him to continue, which took him a few seconds of silence before doing so. “I start to feel depressed when I have no one around, when no one sees me, when I feel invisible. Those times when I spent too much time in my own head.”

“Can I ask you a few personal things?”

“Mh,” he nodded.

“What happened to your family?”

He inhaled deeply before saying anything. “Before I met Kihyun, my family couldn’t support each other, so I left them so that I wouldn’t be a liability. I told them that I was out finding jobs when in reality, I was out busking on the streets, singing.”

“You sing?” I asked.

He smiled, “I do.” A second passed before he said, “whatever money that I made from that, which obviously wasn’t enough even for me, I would give it all to my mom. It helped them to eat and get by on.”

“And you?”

He shrugged his broad shoulders. “I struggled, but I felt better knowing that they had something to eat and were benefiting from it.

“Where are they now?” I asked.

“They have a home, now, jobs and school. Kihyun made sure of it. It was the very first thing that I requested from the start.”

I understand, now. I see why Wonho is having such a difficult time with this entire situation. If he leaves Kihyun, or does anything that goes against him, then that deal could potentially break and things could go back to how they were. This goes much deeper than I had even imagined, and my heart sank just thinking about it.

I forced a smile.

“I’m relieved that they do. Now you don’t have to worry.” I inhaled a shaky breath before saying, “I think you should go, now. Before Kihyun finds out again. You have your ring.”

He frowned, and then pouted as he shook his head. “Hyung, please, don’t make me go.”

I spoke in a softer tone after seeing the panic in his eyes. I sighed, brushing back his damp hair from his eyes. "I can’t ruin all of that for you. Your family must be happier now, and I don’t want to potentially take that away.”

His lips pursed. “I hate this.”

“You hate what?”

“This dependency, the control he has on me, it’s not okay.”

“I agree but—”

“I’m not his,” he cut me off. “I might have a lot right now, and it helps my family in so many ways which I’m thankful for, but I feel suffocated,” his words came out a bit strained, but then returned back to his low tone. “He’s not who I want.”

I didn’t say anything to that, but my heart reacted, picking up speed as he tightened his grip slightly around my shoulders.

“I don’t want you to get in trouble,” I mumbled.

“Pushing you away is tiring. Following his rules is tiring. I didn’t tell you all of this so that you can push me away. I told you so that you could know me better, so that you knew why I had to in the first place, but I don’t want to anymore. I know that this situation is messed up, but this is the first time in a very long time that I am feeling the way that I’m feeling. I don’t remember the last time I’ve experienced this.” He gently leaned into my ear before quietly admitting, “I really like you.” He leaned back again to look at me. “Please don’t take that away from me.”

Hearing him say that broke me on the inside because I assume that all that he has right now isn’t truly his to begin with, it’s all realistically Kihyun’s. These feelings are his, and if I push him away, I’d be taking away the thing that he feels is really his. This situation scares me, but I couldn’t admit it to him. Not only was his life on the line, but so was his family’s. If I stay with him, if I continue this behind their backs, then that would make me selfish, and would put him and them at risk, especially considering all that Minhyuk had told me about Kihyun and his family’s business. I have a feeling that Wonho doesn’t know that I know about that aspect of this whole situation and like Minhyuk had warned me, it needed to stay between both him and I. It makes me wonder whether Wonho even knows about Kihyun’s family, but I wouldn’t be able to test the waters unless he was the one to admit it, himself. 

But if I say no to him, then I’d be walking away from someone good.

I exhaled. “If you ever don’t want this,” I whispered as I gave in, “if you think it’s too much of a risk, then please tell me and I’ll silently walk away without another fight.”

Wonho smiled widely, a gummy smile that I haven’t seen before, along with crescent moon shaped eyes. He was happy, and that absolutely melted my insides. “Let’s keep each other company,” he whispered back. Wonho then slowly leaned in to kiss me, and my apprehensive thoughts disappeared altogether as he gently rested one hand flat on my chest. It was grounding for me as these kisses are deliberate, soft, and calming. The coldness from the damp clothing looked to be affecting him as I felt him shiver, and so I suddenly embrace him with both of my arms, bringing him closer to my chest. 

He let the smallest moan out, and I inhaled him deeply, feeling myself harden beneath him. It wasn’t until he felt it that he began moving his hips back and forth slowly, gently. My track pants made it visible, but his jeans started to look restricting. I can see his bulge increase in size as he made these motions. The bigger it got, the more strained his movements became, and so I let him go and began to undress him bit by bit. First, I removed his jacket, and then his shirt, revealing his well-developed six-pack, before throwing it off to the side. In turn, he removed my shirt. My hands came to the front to where the button and zipper of his jeans are and undid them both quickly. His eyes rolled up for a split second once I did this, releasing the pressure. I removed his shaft from his boxers, and it kept softly hitting my lower abdomen as he moved forward and backwards, up and down as I held his back with my left hand while cupping him with my right. His moans came more frequently now, and they were sounds that I knew I’d become addicted to hearing. I brought my legs together so that his back was leaning against them, but the longer I kept up with these motions, the more Wonho wanted to grab me by the back of my neck and pull my hair. Below him, I was struggling. All I want to do right now is carry him somewhere more comfortable, and I’m tempted to. With a need like this, I could carry anything, even someone as big as Wonho. The bed isn’t far from here, and so is the couch. Fuck it.

After a while, I came to a slow halt with my movement. I brought one hand to his neck and the other to his waist before flipping him effortlessly over so that his back was on the carpet and his head was gently laid on the ground. He looked impressed with my strength as I topped him, suddenly rubbing my throbbing dick, which is still hiding in my pants, on his. Having had him on top of me for a time, I knew that it needed to breathe.

While on my hands as if I were doing a push up, I move my hips slightly up him, and he knew exactly what I wanted him to do. With both of his hands, he pulled down not only my pants, but my boxers as well. He pulled them all the way down as he moved from one side to the other, making sure that both of my feet were completely free from it. Once that was done, I raise myself onto a kneeling position between his legs, making some eye contact with him from time to time as I pull each pant leg off of him until we were both completely bare. Unlike the last time, we’re both able to see each other completely. I can see every dent of his large muscles as they stretch, the curves of his broad shoulders, the size of his cock, which I find extremely attractive, down to the little freckle near his belly button. I can’t help but to faintly touch that freckle with my fingers before brushing them up his chest. I lower myself so that I was hovering above him, and his hand found the wrist of the hand that I was balanced on and worked its way leisurely up my arm until he reached my shoulder, to which he pulled my face down for a kiss. Out of nowhere, he suddenly used his strength to effortlessly flip me over so that I was the one on my back, now. He lifted his head above mine and smiled deviously at me before kissing my lips first, and then my cheek, down my jaw, to my neck, and trailing down my chest. They were sweet kisses, the kind that I knew once he was gone, I would still feel. After a while of this, he cupped my length and kissed it on its side as he slowly moved up and down with his hand. At times, he would even gently twist it as he did this. He then brought his mouth to the tip, and watching his pouty lips wrap around it was euphoric to me. He began to gently play with it with his tongue. No one has ever done it this way before, not this carefully, and it brought on an entirely new sensation. As he continued, I grasped locks of his blonde hair with one hand from the side of his head, my hand moving whenever he did. As small as these actions were, it’s driving me over the edge. I can tell that he was trying to gauge some sort of reaction. After a bit, I couldn’t help the soft little moans that came from me, and that’s when he smiled.

Fuck. And this was just the tip.

Once I was in his mouth completely, I began to rock my hips in steady rise and falls, unable to help this. His free hand traced up my side and that’s when mine found his. I grasped his hand tightly as he stretched my arm down toward him while the other remained preoccupied. Whenever I gave him a squeeze, he moaned, and the vibration of his lips would drive me crazy and all I would want to do was fuck his mouth but I restrained myself. After a while of this, he stopped, wiping away his mouth just as pre-cum was starting to appear. He looked up at me without saying a word and I gazed down, petting the side of his dishevelled hair. He smiled. God, I’m weak for his smile. I roughly pulled him up by the hand that I was still connected to in order to kiss him, not caring where his mouth had been.

As we kissed, my hands began to work. They didn’t hesitate like I thought they would, but instead, they moved like they’ve been waiting for this. He was on all fours above me, not putting any weight on my chest, as my hands travelled down his sides and to his ass. He kissed me, moving his body slightly up, and down, and then back up until my index finger protruded his ring and he moaned into my lips. I inserted it a bit deeper and once I did, his lips disconnected from mine before his forehead hit my shoulder. "H-hyung," he moaned. I shifted him a little higher so that he was a little past my head, making it easier for me to go deeper in as I stretched him. I did this slowly, carefully, one finger at first, and then two. His quiet moans were sweet ones with no indication of pain. I was just about ready until I realized, “oh.”

“What?” His head shot up as we made eye contact. “I don’t have any protection right here.” He gazed down at me, his eyes half open with my favourite combination of sleep and arousal. Without saying a word, we both eyed each other as if we are having a conversation about the matter, but neither of us said a word as we came to the silent mutual decision to just keep going. This is reckless, perhaps, but neither of us are in the position to stop what we’ve started and break the momentum. He’s on top of me right now, and all I want to do now given the circumstances was fuck him raw. The sudden thought of it made me even harder. His head lowered to kiss me. I stopped him for a second and I whisper, “are you sure?” He nodded, licking his lips, which he then lowered to my neck, leaving big kisses that came rather slowly and carefully. My heart was thrumming.

As I positioned him properly, I played around with his hole a little more just to get a better feel for where it is so that by the time I placed my length on it, I was able to gradually get through. It was already lubricated from his mouth, making it easier. Again, only the tip entered at first, but it took less time than before to get half way in. His mouth was near my ear as he let out soft faint moans the deeper that I went. I started very slow with my hands clasped to his ass cheeks while I moved his body up and down for him, going at his pace at first. He looked to be in less pain than he was the last time we had done this, and I wonder if that’s because of me or—

God, it feels so good without a condom to the point that my eyes roll up for a split second. He’s so tight, I can feel everything. This was when I started to get antsy, and I picked up the pace when I felt like we were more than halfway there. The sensation of me going in and out is growing more intense and suddenly, I began to pick up more speed than either of us had even anticipated. His moans became louder, as did my grunts while our skin slapped. He has his forearms resting at either side of my head on the floor with his hands resting at the top of it, grasping onto my hair and pulling from time to time the faster I went. When I felt like I was close to being all the way inside, I slowed for a moment— “are you okay?” I breathed, “mh” he nodded at the side of my face— and then I thrust myself in him entirely. He let out a sharp gasp of air and a cry. I slowly reversed the movement before thrusting quickly back inside and the same cry is heard. I felt like a different position was needed, so I placed my entire arm around his waist, and the other to my side as I used it to lift the both of us up. He was now in a sitting position on top of me with his legs wrapped around my waist. He looked to be in pain with the sudden change, but then his features relaxed as we just sat there for a few moments without moving. His arms rested around my shoulders, his forehead touching mine, with our breathing accelerated as we tried to catch our breath. “Are you okay, now?” I repeated.

Wonho nodded his head once again as he focused his gaze on my chest, his eyes wide. I bent my neck down to get a better look at him, and to smile, which made him smile. I kissed him on the cheek, and his smile turned into a smirk as air escaped his nose. As we continued to look at each other, our smiles steadily left us, replaced by the silent desire to continue. This time, he was the one who began. With arms on my shoulders and loosely wrapped around my neck, he began to move his body slowly up and down, putting his weight on my shoulders. I helped him by grabbing his hips and lifting him up. This position felt so different, but just as good. Once the discomfort seemed to have left him, he looked to be enjoying it as he leaned his chest into mine, his hands resting flat on my back, his chin on my shoulder. We took it slow at first, getting used to the movement and feelings as I moved in and out of him, but then I began to do so with force. His loud moans returned, as did the skin slapping as he would hold himself up, but one thing that was new was the way that he would scratch the skin of my back with his nails. It hurt, but I enjoyed it, and I want him to continue. The prospect of seeing what it would look like after all of this was done is making me excited.

“I’m going to—” he began, grabbing a hold of the back of my neck and gently giving it a squeeze. I put some space between our chests now as he leaned back a bit, and I can see his dick throbbing.

I had waited for him. I lasted a lot longer this time than I did before, but I’m so close to coming as well that I groan, “where can I?”

“I-inside,” he breathed, unable to even speak as we slowed down so that I could hit the spot in him over and over again, making him convulse. If that’s what he wants, I’ll do just that. With a few more hard thrusts in, all of me went in him as I hold his upper body tightly with one arm and cupping him with my other hand, feeling the warmness surround me while I’m still inside. In turn, he came on my chest. I don’t remove myself quickly, but when I do, it spills all over me. My legs feel weak, but his are shaking uncontrollably around him as he tries to level himself, hanging off of me by the hand that’s still attached to my neck, trying not to touch our chests.

He sighed, smiling widely at me with those sleepy eyes.

“Want a shower?” I suggested once I was able to get a word out.

He nodded adamantly. “Together?”

“Mh,” I replied, smirking at his suggestion.

I took a moment to just look at him, brushing his still damp hair away from his eyes. He seemed to get flustered because he then said, “what?”

I bit my bottom lip inwards before saying, “I don’t think I’ve seen you smile like you did tonight.”

As he returned my gaze, he said, “I guess this is what it looks like when I’m happy.”

I couldn’t help but to smile at this, my eyes and all.

But then I wondered how long this happiness would last considering the padlock that’s attached to him.

The one that I don’t have the key to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t forget or hesitate to leave kudos and comments at the bottom of each chapter. They keep writers like me happy and inspired. I hope you enjoy!


	7. A Doll's Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Please, just unlock this door for me. I don’t care if he doesn’t want to see me or if you get in fucking trouble for it. I know you have the key. Just open the goddam door because I’m done with this conversation.” I peppered the ending with a smile, which is what I do when I’m frustrated.
> 
> Jeonghan stood still for a few seconds seemingly stunned. He then grinned, looked down at his pocket as he shook his head while scavenging for the key. Before opening the door, he froze to look at me and whispered, “I’ll still be here to do my job.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **MINHYUK'S POV CHAPTER!!**
> 
> Hey, everyone! These chapters just keep getting longer and longer, eh? There's hints of ShowHo in this one, but not a whole lot. I think that this chapter is important for various reasons given that Min plays a crucial role in this story. The addition of Jeonghan (Seventeen) has grown on me a LOT, so he will be appearing more often and I hope that you enjoy his presence. 
> 
> **IMPORTANT:**  
>  PLEASE CHECK THE TAGS FOR CONTENT / TRIGGER WARNINGS. IT'S A HEAVY CHAPTER.  
> Biggest CW // Sexual abuse, toxic family abuse (both not related)  
> Take your time before reading it if you're not feeling too good.
> 
> Also, like and retweet my fic thread so that others may find my story, too. :] [TWITTER THREAD](https://twitter.com/_hamgombebe/status/1314305371314495491)
> 
> Last but not least, I want to thank you for leaving such lovely and motivating comments. I promise you all that I will reply, but I tend to do so once I'm finished writing a chapter and have it uploaded. I know it takes a long while to get a chapter up, but if I didn't take this amount of time, the chapters would be half-assed and poorly written / thought out. I want you to know that I DO see them when they are submitted, and each of them make me smile and push me to keep going. They're appreciated beyond words. I value my readers.

The topic of my past often comes out during my sessions. This is the case with some of my nervous clients, especially those with less-to-no experience. They like to ramble, and I go along with it, but mainly for the tips. When I’m asked about how things were for me before I even became one of Kihyun’s many dolls, I wish each and every time that I could mean it when I tell them that I had once lived with a nice family in an equally nice house that was situated in a nice neighborhood. That everything was overall very nice and pleasant. But that was never the case.

Realistically, I was often told by those who were meant to love me that I was good for nothing, that I would amount to nothing, and that I would be nothing for the rest of my empty life because of who I am. In various ways. I became resentful as I grew older, angry, and petty over their favoritism towards my older brother who they poured all of their hopes, dreams and money onto. He was the golden child, after all. We had nothing but each other, and I had no other choice but to believe their toxic words and beliefs, because no one else said otherwise.

This prevented me from going to school, from getting a higher education, because they never wanted to waste any time and money on me, so I worked the moment that I graduated high school in order to help them out. We didn’t have much given that my family earned very low income, if anything at all. If my parents lost their jobs, which was often due to their temperaments, and my older brother was always at school, they would rely on me. We lived in a small run-down hole of a basement with shared space. Whatever we managed to save went to food, rent, and hyung’s education which was vastly more important than mine ever was to them. No matter how much I had tried or wanted to try, all I did or tried to do was never really good enough for them.

I had a passion since I was little. It was a small dream, but it was always with me. The only thing that kept me warm for a time was knowing how to sing and play the piano. However, my family had ended up selling my piano one day without telling me, the one that I had bought with my own hard-earned money after graduation. Their excuse was that it was quick cash. That day, my heart broke, but no one had cared so long as it benefitted them. They made me feel as if my dreams would suffice to nothing until one day, they had disappeared altogether and my life really did begin to feel empty and worthless.

Selling my piano was Hyung’s idea. He didn’t like me at all, and so he would often enjoy adding fuel to the fire. It was his favourite past time, after all. Hyung never experienced an ounce of sympathy or love towards me in his life, even at a very early age. There was never any warmth in his eyes, and his glares frequently scared me to death. Throughout all those years, he casually bullied me, and it went purposely ignored by my parents no matter how blatant his actions were. It was always swept under the same dirty rug that he had constantly stepped on, often kicking me while I was down. Hyung terrified me more than anyone else ever did in my entire life. No one has ever been on or surpassed his level. I flinch at the thought of him to this day. 

When I was about twenty, hyung caught me sitting at a remote park holding hands with my first boyfriend. He had his small hands in mine, smiling, laughing as we told each other about our days. I remember how much I loved his smile. There was something special about it that I’ll never forget. I can still picture it to this day. We had secretly been together for a long time. He was my safe space and had been my first for everything, and no one had ever known. He knew everything. He knew about my living situation, my family, everything and not once did he judge me for it. He was so sweet, kind, and gentle. I could never forget him. But when hyung saw this scene in passing, it was all that it took for him to snap completely. I watched in paralyzing horror as hyung yelled out my name with absolute fury in his tone as he marched towards us. His hands were in fists and he had on the scariest expression that I had ever seen in my entire life. When he got close enough, I got up quickly out of pure shock and fear. I was afraid that he would lay a hand on my boyfriend at the time, so my first priority was to step directly in front to protect him. Hyung had thrown a punch thankfully not at my partner, but at my abdomen. It had been intended for me all along. As I bent my upper body down in excruciating pain as I heaved for air, hyung was cursing at me in pure disgust. I partially turn to tell my boyfriend at the time to not do anything, that it was my brother. He knew of him, having been warned beforehand. I’ll never forget how my partner stood there petrified by the sight as he listened to my strained words, watching while my arms wrapped around my torso as I muttered ‘I’m sorry’ to him. For a brief moment, I couldn’t breathe from the impact, coughing out what I can. I was too terrified to retaliate at my brother, who was bigger than me. I was too embarrassed to look up at the boy that I was dating while hyung began to drag me home by the arm. I remember how his tight grip left bruises afterwards and how I never got to say goodbye to the boy that I loved back then, never seeing him again. The latter hurt more in the end.

Without giving me a chance to speak, threatening me against doing so, he spilled every single detail to our parents once we got back home, as well as embellished parts in order to get a proper reaction out of them. In spite of his threats, I fought against his lies, but failed. I was never the type of person to just take his crap, but somehow, he always won. With this, my family took my phone away. Worse, they impulsively had it thrown to the wall and shattered to pieces. They took all that I had before handing me a barely packed backpack of clothing and essentials and I knew right then and there that they were kicking me out for good. I refused to leave. My mother grabbed chunks of my hair and pushed my head, hissing that I was just dragging them down even further. When I really wouldn’t listen, hyung left me a broken wrist to remember him by as he shoved me out the door, an injury that still pains me to this day because I never tried to seek medical treatment right away. At the time, I saw no point. Hell broke loose in me.

I don’t think I had ever cried as much as I did the moment that I found myself on my knees right outside of the closed door to what should have been my home as an intense amount of panic took me over. I couldn’t breathe. I blacked out for a time as I sobbed out of absolute fear, shouting for them to let me in, banging with a closed fist on the door until my good arm got tired. I was surprised that the police weren’t called, but then again, we lived in a pretty terrible area. This type of behavior was sadly common. This lasted until my cries got weaker, and the sky darkened and the air cooled. I had nowhere else to go but this one place that I loathed being in, yet I had no other choice but to get up and leave.

When I have bad days now, I remember all of this vividly like it was yesterday.

If I was asked about my past now as I work at The Laconic, I would lie each and every time. “I had a nice life,” just for show. I would smile with my lips, though I would never feel it meet my eyes. I had to sell myself. Who would want a broken doll, after all? I find it funny whenever people believe my lies. To me, it means that they don’t truly know me, or care to know me. Only one person knows my entire story, even the gory bits, having asked for every single detail in his own clever way, because he had called me out on my bullshit. He caught my lie. 

He cares, I think.

\-------------------------------------------------

I have a shift tonight. A number of appointments. And an angry dom to attend to.

As I got to the second floor of The Laconic in my normal clothing, I have about thirty minutes to spare before I start work at nine. It’s still too early for there to be any clients roaming about the place, so the dolls were going back and forth with purpose as they ready themselves for the evening. I rounded the corner and saw Wonho setting up the bar. He’s so cute when he’s concentrating because his plump lips pucker, clearly with something on his mind. I wanted to ask him how his visit to Shownu’s was, but I can’t risk asking him for his sake now since the place is so quiet and full of Kihyun’s appointed eyes and ears.

Wait. Wonho is smiling. Is he happy?

The sight is giving me butterflies.

I didn’t want to interrupt his current train of thought, whatever that may be, so I backtracked my steps and instead, made my way to Kihyun’s office. The door was closed, and I attempted to turn the handle only to find out that it was locked.

Oh no, he’s really mad. 

“He doesn’t want to see you right now,” said a voice from my left.

I already knew who it was. Without turning my body, my gaze found Jeonghan there, but he wasn’t in his usual work attire. This time, he was in a security guard uniform, and I can’t stand myself for thinking that he looks handsome in it. But then I saw the gun latched to his side and came to my senses.

Now he just looks like a traitor.

“I see you’ve been promoted,” I eyed the gun intentionally before meeting his soft eyes.

“Just my clothing did,” he laughed given that he no longer looks like a doll with his former white suit. This feels weird to me, already.

“Did you even have any real clients all that time?”

He shook his head. “That wasn’t in the contract.”

“Contract,” I huffed. I turn my gaze away from him. This entire situation was nerve-wracking. “I don’t want to talk to you,” I said point-blank.

Jeonghan smirked. “You’re not still upset with me, are you?”

I turn my body now to face him, and I gently smiled at him, our voices coming out low and soft as we exchanged words. “Of course not. But I could also care less.”

“Oh, come on Min-ie, you do care,” he pushed a little teasingly.

“Fine. What do you expect me to say? You were my friend,” I exhaled, the part of me that’s sad making itself known in spite of me not wanting to show it.

“I still am,” he said, his expression changing to something more serious, which makes me think that there might be an ounce of truth attached to his words.

I frowned. “And yet you spied on me.”

“Mh,” he hummed, his lips in a straight line, not denying this fact one bit.

“Let’s leave it at that, then.” 

Other than Wonho, Jeonghan was one of my only friends here. We would go out for drinks at Heart Notes, share laughs and sad moments, and even stay over each other’s places on long nights when I’ve had too much to drink. He was the type of friend that when I fell asleep without anything covering me, I would wake up to find a blanket over top. We would generally be there for each other and tell each other things that were meant to be confidential—

Oh, no. He knows too much, which means Kihyun knows too much.

The seriousness on his face quickly transitioned into something more playful and lighter once again. “Ah, see, you do care,” he smiled as he softly pointed a finger at my chest without touching, and this frustrated me even more. He loves to tease me often. But then he sighed. “Aren’t you at all curious as to why I had been given this position?” he pushed, his voice a bit more hushed. I completely yet silently turn my body to him, blinking. “I see I have your attention, now.”

“Angel, I clearly have no other choice at this point,” I deadpanned. Fuck. I called him by his old nickname that seemingly no longer applies.

He breathed from his nose, his lips pursing and his eyebrows raising. “Min-ie, you are such a sweet person, but you bite hard. Now I know how others feel to be on the other side of your wrath,” he laughed. “It’s not pleasant.”

My eyes rolled up. “Just tell me why.”

A lop-sided smirk formed. He then continued, “Mr. Yoo wanted me to protect you.”

“From what? Why not assign me a normal body guard, if that’s the case?”

“He didn’t want to make it conspicuous, but he wanted to know that you would be _okay_ , so he hired me to look after you. He said that your past warranted it—”

My ears perked up at the word okay, having expected him to say _safe_.

I felt my body tense at this. “What does that mean?”

He ignored my question. “—and he figured that you would feel uncomfortable if a fully uniformed guard with a gun—” he said as he gestured to the one hanging on his belt, “—followed you around. Isn’t that right?”

I inhaled. Kihyun is right. I would have hated it.

My jaw clenched. “You were the first person I spoke to here. You were already a doll since the beginning. You were with me ever since I started—” I began to say with a tone of disbelief, almost as if I were talking more so to myself than to him.

He breathed out. “Yes, that’s true. Mr. Yoo works fast.”

“And I’ve told you so much,” I spoke only a little above a whisper, my voice much softer than I intended. I just really didn’t want any of the passing dolls, or the man beyond this door, to hear any of this.

“Yes, that’s true, as well,” he matched my volume.

My eyes found his again. “What does he know?”

Jeonghan grinned. “More than you even know.”

I shook my head, exasperated. “I’m done here.”

“It’s not what you think,” he admitted, but I’ve already surpassed my patience limit.

“Just stop and give me the key,” I demanded, my hand outstretched in front of me, absolutely sick of beating around the bush.

He chuckled. “What key?”

“Please, just unlock this door for me. I don’t care if he doesn’t want to see me or if you get in fucking trouble for it. I know you have the key. Just open the goddam door because I’m _done_ with this conversation.” I peppered the ending with a smile, which is what I do when I’m frustrated.

Jeonghan stood still for a few seconds seemingly stunned. He then grinned, looked down at his pocket as he shook his head while scavenging for the key. Before opening the door, he froze to look at me and whispered, “I’ll still be here to do my job.” I froze as my eyes darted to him. He then added with a nod and a wink, “you’re stuck with me.” Jeonghan then politely opened the door for me. I rip my gaze away from him, enter the room, and he closes the door behind me.

I took a deep breath.

I stood straight at the door with my arms stretched down in front of me while holding my bag, which is hanging from both of my hands as it rested on my feet. I was suddenly really nervous the instant that I saw Kihyun, but I tried my best to hide this. I don’t want to seem weak. He is seated at his desk, pen in hand, looking as if he was mid-way through writing something, but now his sharp gaze is suddenly on me. His eyes are cold. I bowed my head. “I forced your spy to open the door for me. After all,” I gently explained, “I think you would understand why.”

Kihyun breathed hard from his nose, placing the pen down on the desk before sitting back on his chair and folding his hands on his lap. I slowly placed my bag with my uniform and makeup on the floor to my side before taking a few steps towards him. His unamused eyes followed me without his body moving a muscle and this is making my heart race. I was now at the side of his desk, and he has yet to utter a single word. I think I need to act casually, so I make my way behind him and carefully wrap my arms around him, my face nuzzling his neck like I usually would under normal circumstances.

“Can we please talk?” I whispered close to his ear. When there was no response, I detached myself from him only to steadily spin his office chair around so that he was facing me. I then bent down on one knee, holding his hand, but he didn’t hold mine back. He wasn’t even looking at me. I brought my hand to his cheek and tried to get his eyes to look at mine, and when they did, there was no warmth in them. “What does _this_ have to do with exactly so that I know what I’ll be punished for in the near future?” I mumbled.

He remained expressionless and wordless as we kept eye contact. I can mentally hear him say, ‘this isn’t the place or the time to discuss our personal business.’

I smiled at him with my eyes in spite of this. “Well, I think your silent treatment is punishment enough.” Again, no words follow. If we were anywhere else, I would resort to whining, but we need to keep it professional here. After all, it is a rule. I nodded, accepting the inevitable. “If this is the case,” I said as I got up, “then I’m not coming into work for the next two days.” His eyes slightly widened as he stared up at me. It was a micro reaction, one I would have missed if I weren’t paying full attention to him. I think I caught him off guard. Hell, I didn’t even expect that to come out of my own mouth, either. After a moment of processing, his eyes quickly returned back to what they were as I continued. “I’ll switch my schedule around myself and I’ll see you sometime tomorrow night since I know you won’t be working. I’ll be at Heart Notes before that. I don’t want Jeonghan there with me. I don’t want to see him.” I began to walk, his eyes following me. I stopped for a second at the side of his desk and said, “just expect me after.”

He gazed up at me and with that, he nodded the tiniest bit, approving this time off. I bow my head and hesitantly walk to the door, inwardly wishing that he would stop me, _just say something, please_. But nothing followed. I turn to look back at him as I open the door, though he hadn’t turned on his chair. I feel myself frown.

The feeling of dread shadowed me for the rest of my shift as I count down the hours until I’m back home. It’s not because of what’s to come when I see him, but because I have not experienced this much coldness from him in all the time that I’ve known him. The rest of the night ran long, and his door remained closed.

But the night carried on. There was a group of men in their early twenties who came in as they acted aggressively towards the dolls, including myself. It got to the point where they had to be escorted out. I earned much less money than what I would earn on any other night. Needless to say, it’s been a bad evening. And to top it off, there was Mr. Park at the very end of it.

Mr. Park has tried booking appointments with me various times, but after the first couple, I began to dodge him. I never told anyone, not even Kihyun, of the pure discomfort that this man brings to me because I thought that I could get out of it without making a big commotion. I thought that maybe since I have a say on who gets to book with me, that I would be able to avoid him entirely. I didn’t want any other doll here to go through him, but each time I avoid him, he would refuse any other service from another doll entirely. I think what ended up happening was the newly hired receptionist at the front had no idea of how I run my own bookings, and ended up naively booking him a time slot without consulting me. I’ll have to have a word with them soon.

Mr. Park is in his early-fifties and is one of those men sloppy enough to keep his wedding band on his finger. Or perhaps he leaves it there purposely. He just doesn’t give a shit. When I went to meet him, I remembered how much taller he is compared to me. Somewhere over six-feet with a full head of salt-and-pepper hair that’s been combed back. He does not look his age, and I can tell that he was considerably good looking during his peak years. I can see him seated in a smaller lounging area waiting for his hour-long session. He used to wait by the bar, but I guess he picked up on Wonho’s tactics and tendency to cancel out bad clients on my behalf. I’m positive that Mr. Park knows better than to grab a drink before a session. A wave of panic washes over me, but I can’t let it show as I make eye contact with him. I took a shaky deep breath in before smiling like I wasn’t bothered by the very sight of his face alone as I walk over to him. After I held my hand out to Mr. Park without saying a single word, I led him to my room silently.

I can’t turn him down. If I do—

Once the door was locked, I turn to him and manage to keep that same compulsory smile plastered on my face for as long as possible.

“It’s been a long time,” he said, his voice bass deep and smooth. It started with a bang as his large hand crept to my waist, squeezing it the tiniest bit.

In spite of the sudden urge to shove his hand away, I resorted to walking away and towards the bed without punching him in the face. The impulse to do so is still lingering, though. “Yes,” I said simply.

He nods, and confidently goes to sit on the chair, the very same one that Shownu sat at while he was here.

“Come here now, please,” he said as he tapped his knee, but I knew better than to believe that it was a polite request. No, it was more of an order disguised in a soft undertone to start us off. Kihyun has always told me that I listen to him and only him, and this is a rule that I’ve broken twice already yet unintentionally with this man behind my own closed door. Whenever Mr. Park is here, I wish that Kihyun or anyone at all would just open the door, to see for himself what this man does to his most precious doll. I’d rather him see me break the rules than go through this time and time again, but it never happens. I need him to see for himself.

I never believed Mr. Park’s threats, and yet I still haven’t said a word.

“How about over here,” I said instead as I silently refused to move or follow his order, knowing exactly what he wanted to do next.

The man smirked. “Are you sure you want to disobey my words?” He then leaned forward onto his knees before adding, “if you cooperate, I’ll even tell you why it’s in your best interest to listen.”

I stare at him, my mind screaming for whatever reason for me to just listen. At first, I hesitate, though I eventually give in and sit on his lap. In the meantime, my back is rigid and straight, turned to him while I face away. I can feel his hand flat on my back, and then it began to rub up and down, slowly as the tension builds. I feel this intense urge to cringe away from his touch. With both of his hands, he held onto my waist and pulled me in to calmly yet firmly say, “don’t ever fucking turn me down again or even attempt to blacklist me.” My face abruptly got hot as he breathed this into my ear, his hands suddenly on my arms with a grip that was gradually getting tighter, painfully pinching but I tried my hardest to hide any sort of reaction. “Remember that I pay good fucking money to see you and only you. I want you to show me a good time with zipped lips.”

Pressure built in my head from frustration. Who does Mr. Park think he is?

“That’s enough,” I huffed as I got up to stand directly in front of him, looking down at him. I suddenly don’t give a shit whether business is lost. “You don’t get to fucking come in here acting like you own me. You don’t fucking own me, you old man. Now get the fuck out, now,” I exclaimed as I pointed to the door.

Mr. Park sat there looking up at me, astonished, amused, maybe even turned on?

“You’re a feisty little bitch, aren’t you? But you’re right. I don’t own you. Because someone else does, don’t they?”

My jaw dropped. “I—”

He then stood up, standing much taller than me, and I suddenly feel small.

“I have a surprise for you,” he said suddenly. My eyebrows furrow, confused. “Let’s call it a scavenger hunt, mh? Find the item on me that just does not belong here,” he said as a crooked smile appeared on his lips.

My mouth opened to protest but nothing came out. I’m left with a sudden burning curiosity about what he could possibly mean. I hesitate for a few seconds, but I began a skeptical body search. It wasn’t until I was on my knees checking his lower half that I began to feel the outline of a concealed hand gun harnessed to his leg. My whole body froze as my breathing hitched with the realization. Mr. Park took a single step back so that he can bend down right in front of me, lifting up my chin with the side of his index finger in order for our eyes to meet before saying, “your body guard friend didn’t do a very good job at searching me earlier.” He gave me a second to process everything as he stood back up to sit on the couch again. “Now sit here,” he ordered as he lightly tapped his knee once again. I inhaled deeply before doing as he said.

“How do you know he’s my friend,” I muttered.

“Let’s just say that I’m a _very_ observant person. I know and see more than you can even imagine,” he enunciated each word as he breathed them into my neck. He sounds faintly excited.

I began to wonder what he means by this given that he is very rarely here, twice at most before tonight, but then something even more terrifying than his presence dawned on me: is Mr. Park stalking me?

His touches that followed were strong and firm as he slowly rubbed both of his hands on my waist, mirroring their paths as they both crossed my lower abdomen, feeling my muscles contract before undoing my pants and gently dipping down to cup me with one hand. I inhaled sharply as I reflexively brought my hand to his to stop him. He stopped, but his hand remains.

“What do you mean by that?” I finally pressed, buying myself some time.

He smiled. “Let me make this as simple as possible. I will gladly fuck you, your bartender friend, your personal body guard, and your boss over for good. If either of those men, including yourself, tries to interfere in this,” he squeezed me, “you’re all done. I’ve got men, too. Just like your master does. He is your master after all, is he not? Or am I just mistaken?” I didn’t reply. I took it as a rhetorical question because he clearly knows the answer already. I am now fairly certain that his eyes are on me outside of The Laconic. How else would he know any of this?

“Don’t do anything to them,” I quietly begged, avoiding his eyes. “Please.”

He leaned in and whispered back, “I won’t, only if you let me in. I promise that I’ll fuck you better than Mr. Yoo, don’t worry.”

“But—”

“You’re mine, now.”

Something in me snapped with his words. “I’m not yours.”

His grip momentarily constricted. Without a single word, his other hand found its way up and around my neck before he fingered the hoop of my collar, pulling it forward. But then he removed his finger from it only to make his way to the back of my collar and rather than yank it to break it like I would assume he would have, he began to unclasp it from the back. In absolute horror, both of my hands flew to the hoop at the front and held it in place just as the collar fell limp on either side of my neck, in danger of falling. Mr. Park rested his chest against my back as his deep voice vibrated with a low growl. “Let go of _him_.” It would have made things easier if he would have just said let go of the collar, but he didn’t. He said him. He meant Kihyun. “Like I said before. Right now, you’re mine.”

I shook my head. He knows exactly what the collar signifies. I felt my face contort as I tried not to get emotional but it was growing difficult. “No, no, no, I’m his. I’m his,” my voice came out cracked and panicked.

“You’re interfering,” he warned.

After a few seconds of processing his words, picturing the gun latched onto his leg, I unwillingly let go of the collar and watched it fall on the floor with wide eyes.

“Good boy,” he praised, a low hum vibrating as he brought my body closer to his.

I need to distract him. I need to buy myself more time while I waste his. “What did you mean when you said that you have men, too.”

Air escaped his nose. I assume he is smiling as he muttered, “that’s a question that little Kihyun’s father can answer.”

Oh no. Oh god, no. There’s bad blood.

It’s in this moment that I’ve come to understand the severity of the situation that I am suddenly finding myself in, as well as those that I love more than anything in the world. I’m scared.

I kept my eyes straight ahead, unblinking as the blood drained from my face.

“No more talking,” he growled, clearly annoyed by the passing time. He finally got me to stand up as he remained seated, telling me to strip. He wanted to watch as he got me to bare everything. “Now go get the lube. Good—” he said after I got it from the counter and handed it to him. He wasn’t going to waste any more time, it seems. “Lay down on my legs—yes—just like that on your stomach,” he ordered. I feel like he knows what he’s doing, as though he had planned this for some time.

His large free hand massaged my bottom, one cheek after the other until suddenly, he slapped each cheek once. They were hard slaps, the type that actually hurt and make my eyes water, leaving me breathless and with a red mark. As he laid a few more slaps, I covered my mouth with both of my hands while soft yelps escaped my lips. My eyes squinted from the pain but they weren’t enough to bruise. He’s smarter than to leave traces of himself for Kihyun to find.

“These are for turning me down,” he filled in the blank before I could even ask.

Soon, I heard him open the bottle, pour lube onto his fingers, and set the bottle on the floor to the side of the chair. His fingers found my ring and began to massage it, moving in circular motions before penetrating it. He began to carefully explore it at first, seeing just how far he can stretch it, and how much I can take. For a second, he was gentle, but then he became aggressive as he fit two full fingers in, moving in and out vigorously. I began to move too much. “Put your hands behind your back,” he breathed with a husky voice, and so I reluctantly did this. With one hand, he pinned both of my hands to my back, and this restricted my movement as he began to move in rapid fire motion.

When he stopped, my rigid back relaxed and my head heavily fell forward as my blue hair swung in front of my eyes, my body giving way on his legs. Once he was satisfied, he separated his fingers from me, released my hands from behind my back, and got me to stand up once again, only to push me onto the bed with my back still to him. I can hear Mr. Park shuffling as he removed his clothing with urgency in his movement, but I can see nothing. He then topped me, and abruptly entered. With a flat hand, he pushed my lower back down into the bed and I groaned into the bed sheets as he slammed into me. His other hand kept him balanced. Mr. Park is really fast and senseless from the beginning. From time to time, his hand would wrap around my neck and he would squeeze it and when he gets a little too worked up, he would squeeze it some more. But like his previous slaps, he is careful not to leave any tracks. The sounds that came out of his mouth were low grunts and growls as he pounded into me and the only times they would stop is when he would abruptly change me to another position, and the fear would get worse as he utilized the entire hour in this manner. 

Once he was done, he got up to put his pants on, fastening his belt and buttoning up his dress shirt as I laid on the bed unmoving, unable to look at him. I don’t want to be Mr. Parks, whose last words before exiting the room were, “believe me when I say that I’ll be back sooner rather than later for you,“ he promised.

After he left, I remain laying here on the bed motionless for a time, finding myself with tape on my mouth that no one else can see but Mr. Park, the type that really fucking hurts when ripped off.

A half hour passed when I got the strength to get up, coming to terms with just how utterly sore I am solely because of him. I sluggishly walk towards the chair, and couldn’t help but to collapse down to the floor where the collar is and cry as I hold it in both of my hands. I never realized just how much this item means to me until this very moment. After a bit of this, I go to stand in front of the body mirror in order to inspect myself. My hair is messy, sticking up in almost all directions. I wipe my eyes, fan my face dry, and then add concealer under my eyes, covering up the red blotchiness before finger brushing my disheveled hair. I’m trying my hardest to make it look like nothing had happened as I blew air up from my lips. I finally find the courage to put the collar back on me. Not having it on felt weird. It’s not because my neck feels naked without it, but because without it, I feel like I’m in danger of losing Kihyun. Like I’m unworthy of it. Though I would much rather be caught breaking the rules than have anything bad happen to Kihyun, Wonho, and even Jeonghan.

Fully clothed now, I take one final look at myself in the mirror and nod, feeling presentable. I’m not entirely confident, but I think I can get away with this.

I leave the room and turn the corner, immediately making eye contact with Wonho, who warmly smiled at me. I’m so thankful for his presence. He looked at me and his eyebrows twitched, a look of suspicion. He subtly raised his hands up in front of him just above the bar and wriggled all ten fingers, a sign that he wanted me to rate my most recent appointment to make sure that I was okay without uttering a single word.

 _Nine_ , I wanted to cry out.

I stared at him for a good second, hoping that he would catch my lie, but I can’t risk that. I quickly smiled as I lifted up a three, shrugging my shoulders as if it had been nothing special. He nodded before I made my way over to him, trying to act as naturally as possible. 

“Water?” he asked.

“Mh,” I nodded. As he handed me the glass, I leisurely went to grab it. I found him eyeing my hand, and I realized that it was shaking uncontrollably as I went for my drink. He looked back up, a wary look on his face once again.

Please don’t say anything, please, I can’t tell you. Don’t make me lie again.

“Are you sure everything is okay?”

I nodded, took a sip of water, and changed the subject immediately or else I’d start crying “Bunny, you take such good care of me. Thank you,” I smiled widely.

“You take better care of me,” he grinned. “Look, you seem warn down. I’ll drive you home tonight, okay?”

This gave me a warm feeling. I nodded, accepting his offer.

Conversation paused for a bit before I said, “you look happier today. I’m guessing it went well?” I didn’t add any specifics about his visit to Shownu’s, but he knew what I meant.

Wonho smirked, nodding, and this was enough to push back my current thoughts for the moment so I can be happy for my friend. “For now,” he said with a hint of worry in his tone in spite of his smile.

I tried to smile with my eyes. He was leaning on the counter close to me, and this allowed me to put a gentle hand to his cheek. “It’ll be okay,” I said simply. “You deserve to be happy.” My thumb brushed his cheek before slowly withdrawing. Everyone at The Laconic knows that this was our natural skin-ship. Even Kihyun was aware of it, so no one looked at us in a strange way or ever questioned it. This was just us. It’s how we naturally are. I love my friend so much that I would do anything in my power, however little that is, to make sure that he’ll be okay.

\-------------------------------------------------

Like I planned, I had no work the next day, and so I went to Heart Notes later in the evening. I go here when I need space from everything, including Kihyun. He never joins me here, knowing that it’s for me only. It’s my escape. I’m not in the mood to deal with anyone else’s bullshit but mine tonight, so here I am. In these past two years, I was always accompanied by Jeonghan, whom I never directly associated to Kihyun, so he never really counted. He was my friend, and good company up until now. Tonight, I came alone.

The day was overall lonely, but it wasn’t quiet by any means as I tried my hardest to drown out all of the intrusive thoughts in my mind. Those that never left, and those that arrived yesterday, have been growing fast, making themselves known. In fact, I think they’re getting louder:

_I think Kihyun hates me. He does, I can feel it. He doesn’t want to speak to me. Is that going to be long or short term? And if he does hate me? What then? Will he kick me out? Will I lose everything? Will I lose him? Yes. You will. He won’t want you anymore. He cares for Wonho more than he cares for you. I feel replaced. You’ve been replaced. Remember where you came from. You were born worthless and you will remain worthless. Especially after what happened with Mr. Park yesterday. If Kihyun ever knew about that, he’ll never forgive you. What if Mr. Park comes back? What if he hurts them? What if he hurts me? And Shownu’s friend—_

Tonight, it’s a full house at Heart Notes and it took me a while to finally secure a table after seeing that my usual booth was occupied by two men who look to be very close and cozy. They are holding hands with each other, smiling with their eyes, laughing loudly, speaking into each other’s ears as the music got louder. It was such a sweet scene that I find myself smiling at them without being noticed, gazing in their direction from time to time. It gave me warm feelings. But as the time went on, the scene began to make me feel a little nostalgic and sad.

The waitress snapped me out of my daydream and I ordered another drink as I wait for my turn on the stage to come. I naturally turn my head to look at the booth once again and someone else had joined the couple. This person is looking directly at me, and our eyes were suddenly glued together. This man’s fiery red hair stood up while his small mouth formed into a grin once I took notice, and I can already see the deepest dimples appear as a result. I soon recognized him as the man from The Laconic, Shownu’s friend. But also—

He suddenly got up, and is now making his way towards my table. His walk is very cool and smooth. The confidence that he exudes is attractive, but intimidating.

As I looked up at him, he bowed his head. “Can I sit with you?” I looked up at him with unblinking eyes and nodded my head once. For a moment, I hoped that he didn’t truly recognize me other than being that one doll that he saw at The Laconic. _Please, let him know me as just that._ As I gazed at the stage, I can see him looking at me from my peripheral as he opened with, “you know who I am, right?”

I turn to him, but then snuck a quick peak past his shoulders and to the couple at the booth who are now looking at us with almost eager watchful eyes, but then resumed their conversation once they saw me look. I took a sip of my drink before replying with, “you’re Shownu’s friend.”

A tiny smile appeared as his eyes gradually turned sad. I couldn’t look away this time, and I feel as if I mirrored his expression, because I know that he knows. Now my heart feels like it’s sinking and I didn’t want him to know. The music on the stage was mellow, which made it easier to hear him as he leaned into me to say, “I wish that I had stopped him. I regret not doing anything.”

And just like that, I feel abruptly triggered.

He was talking about my brother. My old boyfriend remembers me.

“Jooheon-ah,” I choked as I looked intently at him this time, acknowledging who he really is for the first time since the worst day of my life.

He smiled, and his dimples deepened and I recalled why his smile was so special to me. “I tried to call you after what had happened but the calls never went through.”

“My phone broke,” I half-lied as I felt a pressure headache sharply building as the image of my phone smashing against the wall entered my mind. “Why are you here?” I asked, panicked, not recalling ever seeing him at Heart Notes.

“It’s a nice place, right?” he said proudly. “Took me years to get it up and running.”

I feel my eyes widen as I came to realize what he was saying, but wanted him to confirm it himself. “You mean this is—”

He nodded. “I own Heart Notes.”

My safe space was his all along. The irony of this makes me want to laugh and cry.

“How come I never saw you before? I’ve been coming here for so long, how come I’ve never seen you?”

“Because I saw you, first. Around two years ago. I’ve seen you come in signing up for various sets, but you were usually with someone else. I’ve always loved hearing your voice. Each time, I would stand behind the bar out of sight,” he said as he pointed over his shoulder at the farthest bar, “just enjoying your stage. You sing and play the piano beautifully,” he complimented. “I remember how I used to say I wished I could hear you play,” he stated, but then cleared his voice. This was sending me over the ledge. “I knew that if I ever made myself known here, that I would spoil everything. A part of me was worried that you’d never come back.”

“And yet you made yourself known at The Laconic?” I said.

“That’s a different story. Shownu is my best friend. When he told me about what had happened with him and that guy, your friend, he mentioned your name. I wanted to be there for him, but I also wanted to see if the Minhyuk that he was talking about was the same Minhyuk that I knew all those years ago,” his voice waned until he said into my ear, “the one that I dated.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. My heart is threatening to jump out. I’m lost for words. “You—"

“I never forgot you,” he admitted so sincerely that it hurt. I think I flinched. “What happened after he took you? Where did you go?”

This is a lot. Oh, no. Fuck. Please don’t bring that up, please.

The feelings and thoughts that go with these memories that I have actively kept hidden deep inside of me for so long suddenly spike in me for the worse, and my entire body began to react to it.

“I’m sorry, I can’t. I need to go,” I hurriedly excused myself as I got up, the chair noisily moving back before I rounded it to leave. He looked up at me, alarmed before getting up to follow. The two men that are seated at the other table watched this scene unfold, eyes-wide and mouths agape with shock as I walked past them.

Looking at Jooheon’s face for the first time in years brought up various feelings and memories all at once, a mixture of good and bad, bitter and sweet. I recall just how in love I had been with him back then. I can vividly see in my mind right now those instances back then when I would hold his cute big cheeks with both of my hands whenever I got excited, and how I would gently poke his deep dimples just to make him smile. After a while of dating, he told me how I was the only one that he would let do that, and how he loved it. This made me feel special for the first time in my life. We would make each other laugh until we couldn’t breathe and we were in tears. I loved making him laugh, because he has the kind of laugh that had made me laugh. I was my happiest for the first time in my life with him. 

I always kept the sweet memories close, but they were the ones that ache the most when I’m alone, or when I see a happy couple from afar like I did tonight. Aside from Kihyun, it’s Jooheon who would come to mind, first. But when he appeared with them, my heart skipped a beat. Back then, Jooheon’s hair wasn’t red. He looks more mature. Seeing him now makes me regret my past decisions. After everything that had happened with my brother when I was kicked out, I could have easily gone to Jooheon. He would have been there for me in a heartbeat, but I didn’t. I didn’t want him to see me so beaten down, so weak, and vulnerable. Who would have wanted to be with someone like me? The way I used to see it, Jooheon deserved better. He didn’t need me as a liability. Nobody did.

But looking at Jooheon’s face also reminds me of the moment that I was being dragged away from him, of hyung’s pure anger at the sight of us, all of his threats on the way, and the shattering feeling of being disowned and left alone to fend for myself. Every thought was painful, vivid, and uncomfortable. I became terrified with the very real feeling of my brother appearing again out of nowhere now to take me away from Jooheon again, so I needed to walk away first. This fear is deeply rooted, and I haven’t experienced an attack like this before because I had always kept it locked away inside of me for the most part, completely detached from my past on the outside since I never saw them again. But now what? At this very moment, my mind is screaming danger, and the outside is yelling out my name, trying to stop me as I attempt to walk out of and away from Heart Notes.

It was Jooheon. He was calling out for me.

He finally caught up, running directly in front of me, stopping me in my tracks. My breathing sped up as the pressure in my head increased dramatically. It was these thoughts. They’re overwhelming. The one’s that I’ve suppressed for so long since divulging my entire life to Kihyun a month after he found me. They’ve been locked up since then. This pressure is dizzying as my chest heaved for air as my eyes begin to water. Jooheon didn’t dare touch me in the midst of this episode, but while he stood in front of me, his words started to flow out so reassuringly and so softly. “Hyung, stop, take a deep breath, please just breathe. It’s okay, he’s not here, your brother isn’t here, you’re safe. Okay?” For a second, this worked.

Was I talking out loud? I don’t remember saying any of this.

**Breathe.**

All I feel is the crippling anxiety thinking that my brother will pop out of nowhere.

**Deep breath.**

It’s all so vivid. I can hear my own pleading cries in my mind from that day.

**Hyung is not here, please, just breathe.**

I can feel the pain of my wrist breaking.

**FUCK. JUST. BREATHE.**

But I am currently in flight mode.

“Jooheon-ah,” my voice cracked, “I wasn’t ready for this, for you,” I whimpered as I looked at him with tired eyes. “Please, I need to leave. I—"

“Min-ie,” a man called out from afar. Only one person calls me by that.

Both of our eyes followed that voice, only our heads turning to see that Jeonghan is pacing towards us, a genuinely concerned expression on his face before stopping a few feet away, giving us space when he noticed that Jooheon wasn’t doing anything wrong to me, but he made sure to stay close enough.

Jooheon looked to me quickly and I looked back at him just as he said, “I’m sorry.” His eyes look pained, and maybe I wasn’t the only one being affected by the past. “I’m so sorry for bringing it up, I didn’t know. I still don’t know.”

“I know,” I said, my arms hugging myself, “but I need to leave.” I turn around to calmly walk away towards Jeonghan, leaving Jooheon behind without looking back. 

As I got closer to Jeonghan, he had opened his arm to me and I leaned into him as it enclosed protectively around my shoulders, and we began to walk right away. My eyes were looking down to my feet, but I knew that Jeonghan glimpsed back one last time at Jooheon before looking ahead to wherever we were going. I don’t know where he’s taking me. I haven’t been paying attention as I tried to hold it together for as long as I can, feeling safe in his arm as he led me. I manage to say with a sniffle, “please don’t tell Kihyun any of this, I’m begging you.” He gently squeezed his hand that is firmly grasping my shoulder, but said nothing as we were nearing his car that had been parked just around the corner. He was about to open the front passenger side door, but I pointed with my finger along with pouted lips to the back side. He looked confused for a second, but did not question me. I laid down, taking up the whole seat at the back, bringing my knees to my chest, holding them in place. It took a second, but once the car started to move, I sobbed so hard and not a single word came out of Jeonghan’s mouth out of respect. He let me get it out of my system.

For once, I am thankful for Jeonghan’s presence after his secret had been exposed, and now I think I know why he was always there at Heart Notes with me every time I wanted to go. Did Kihyun know about Jooheon all along? Is this what Jeonghan meant when he said that Kihyun just wanted to make sure that I was ‘okay’ rather than saying ‘safe’? Everything is piecing together and it somehow hurts even more.

The drive was a blur, partly from the tears collecting in my eyes. The sky was dark and overcast as I looked up and out the window, still laying down as he parked the car. Jeonghan sat quietly at the front once he killed the engine, waiting until my cries settled before he broke the silence. “I brought you to Kihyun’s.”

I nodded, but he couldn’t see. “Thank you,” my voice came out brittle. I figured that was where he was bringing me. Jeonghan knows better than to leave me alone in this state. It was either here or his place. I wonder if he was given orders to bring me here if anything ever happened. This is just one thought that passes through my mind now that I know what role Jeonghan plays in all of this. I’m thankful that he had brought me here, but at the same time, I don’t want to be punished given his silent treatment before all of this happened. But right now, I can’t even stand the thought of being anywhere else with anybody else other than Kihyun. Not even Jeonghan. He doesn’t know me the way Kihyun knows me.

“Take your time,” Jeonghan softly added.

He really meant it, because it took a half hour for me to calm myself down before I was ready to leave. As I laid there, I began to hear rain slowly tapping, until it really started falling. The sound was relaxing, and it helped to calm me. “I want to go,” I finally mumbled. With that, Jeonghan immediately set aside what he was doing to pass the time, got out of the car, and opened the door for me. I was feeling weak, still sore from last night, so he helped me out, and I stood in front of him, feeling my absolute worst in every way. He’s never seen me in this state before. His usually light and teasing personality absent.

He opened a black umbrella and kept it above both of us.

“Are you able to go up on your own or do you want me to come with you?”

“I can do it,” I said.

He breathed hard out of his nose. “Are you okay?”

I gazed at him, and shook my head. “I’ll be okay.”

Jeonghan nodded. “Here,” he said as he handed me the umbrella. “I’ll watch as you go in, then. Does Kihyun know you’re coming over tonight? Or do you want me to wait for you in the car?”

Jeonghan kept his promise. He didn’t tell Kihyun.

“I told him yesterday,” I said with a forced smile. “You go.” I began to walk towards the entrance, and then stopped to look back at him. He didn’t move from his spot, clearly not caring whether he was getting wet from the rain with his hands in the pockets of his jeans and his chin slightly raised. I noticed for the first time that he was dressed in his normal clothing, and that he even got a slight haircut, though it remains blonde. He no longer looks like a doll. This messed me up. “Thank you for coming back for me,” I smiled. The ends of his lips twitched into a partial smile, and he nodded before I walked away and out of his sight.

The moment that I stepped out of the elevator, Kihyun leisurely walked out of the kitchen. I don’t think he was expecting me to be this early, so he looked shocked at first, but then he composed himself, turning back into the Kihyun that I had last seen in his office—cold and silent. I think he’s still mad at me. He took one step back towards the kitchen, but then he stopped mid-way and went back, his head tilting and eyebrows knitted. He must be seeing my blotchy face and tired eyes. I am visibly upset, and surely, he was curious about it, his features softening in quiet response to it. I walked cautiously towards him, not knowing how he will welcome me. Does he even want me here? As I got to him, I deliberately wrap my arms around his torso and lower my face to his shoulders before letting out a sob. It couldn’t be helped. His body went rigid as I wept into his shirt without any context, and after a few seconds of this, I was surprised to feel his arms wrap around my waist. This made me cry even more as I began to repeat, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please don’t be mad—”

“What happened?” Kihyun whispered, breaking the silence as he held me tighter.

“Just please don’t be mad at me anymore,” I bawled, gripping onto his shirt and hiding my face in the edge of his neck and shoulder.

I sniffled, turning my head to rest my temple on his shoulder as I avoided any eye contact. “I was triggered tonight.”

A few seconds pass. “By what?”

It took me a bit, but I then admitted, “I talked to Jooheon today. And then I saw hyung’s face in my head. It felt like he was coming to take me again like that one day a long time ago and I was afraid that I would never see—” I then hesitate for a second, about to say Jooheon’s name, but then I realized who I really wanted to say before I continued, “—you. I got scared.”

“Your brother can’t hurt you anymore,” Kihyun said so calmly and convincingly.

My head lifted as our eyes met. “Why do you say that?” I sniffled.

“Come with me, I have something to show you.” He went to grab a hold of my hand and I was suddenly being led to his office, a room that I was never permitted to go inside of until this very moment. Only official business is conducted there. Especially that which includes his father, whom at times, shows up unannounced and requests a meeting with The Clan.

As I entered, I see a couch situated near the door, and he told me to sit there. The room is unexpectedly large enough to have a boardroom table with at least six chairs encircling it, which was the first thing that caught my eyes. The walls are painted a simple white. The only thing hanging from it is a large portrait that was professionally taken of him and his family. Kihyun looked to be in his early twenties. They were all smiling, baring their teeth, looking happy. In my opinion, the warmth emanating from that photo of them doesn’t quite match up to the things that I know of them.

My attention was then brought to Kihyun, who had walked over to a cabinet. He unlocked it and removed a file. He went to lay it on his desk, skimming through various papers until he found what he was looking for. He made his way back to me, seemingly holding these papers tightly before saying, “I need you to know that I will be bringing up your past involving your family. Will that be okay?”

I stare at him and blink. I’m utterly surprised that he had even warned me, taken aback by his empathy. I nod in response as I prepare myself on every level for whatever is on those papers. He then reluctantly handed them to me. I’m confused at first as to what I was seeing. I think I’m holding a copy of some official police document. “What is this?” I muttered, looking at him.

He wordlessly flipped a page until I saw a photo of a man with hair that was cut in black military style, sharp jaw set, eyes black. Those eyes are expressionless. They are the terrible kind, the type that can cut and haunt a person with a single glare if eye contact was made. This sense of dread that creeps its way into my system is very familiar to me. I questioned my initial thoughts, until I went to read this man’s name and my breathing hitched. “Is this my brother?” I asked, barely a whisper.

“Mh,” he nodded. “After you told me about what your family did to you, I had my men looking for him. They were quick to find him. It turns out, he had already gotten himself into trouble all on his own by killing a couple of men. A couple of my father’s men, no less, and another member from a different gang. He’s made himself somewhat of a target in my father’s world, among many others. I’ve been keeping an eye on him ever since, making sure that he rots in prison so that he never touches you again.” He then looked at me and his tone changed. It softened the slightest bit. “He can’t take you from me. And he can’t hurt you. No one will. I would never let that happen.”

The first thought that came to mind was that of Mr. Park. As much as I wanted to believe Kihyun’s words, it’s not possible. But it’s not his fault. I wish I could tell Kihyun about him, about what he did to me, about what he might do, about how he laid his hands on my collar, the one thing I treasure beyond anything, and had the audacity to remove it. I guess Mr. Park’s connection to Kihyun’s father terrifies the fucking hell out of me. I don’t know what to do.

The second thought was of sweet Jooheon. I regret how I left him yet again.

I’m lost for words as these thoughts completely overwhelm me. I feel flushed suddenly as I look at him. His eyebrow twitched in response. “What?” he asked almost suspiciously.

I shook my head, smiling, suddenly feeling so much love for him. He’s done so much more for me behind the scenes that I don’t have the words to fully express how thankful I am for him.

He glimpsed down at my lips, but then back into my eyes. I took that as a sign as I turn my body towards him and with both of my hands, I cup his cheeks and kiss him. For a second, he was stiff, but then he began to kiss me back in the same manner and this alone made my whole body feel lighter. It was a short kiss, but when we stopped, my hands were still on his cheeks as I smiled at him. Being here with Kihyun right now, I feel safe for the first time today.

\-------------------------------------------------

Last night, I stayed in Kihyun’s bed, though we didn’t do anything.

He wouldn’t let me go home in spite of the fact that I was relaxed and my crying had ceased, but he was adamant on me staying so I listened. I know that any other person wouldn’t understand, but being close to him is comforting because he takes care of me like no other in my life. I’m not sure if I’m the only one that he does this for, but in the meantime, it makes me feel special.

We laid in bed, awake till the late hours just talking. I fell asleep with him behind me, detached and in our own little sides on the large bed, and then when I woke up early in the morning, I found myself holding him from behind with his back turned to me. For only a second, I tightened my arms around him, bringing him closer. He then inhaled, his arms crisscrossed right above mine as he continued to sleep heavily. His hand is flat on the sheets, and so I lightly put mine flat on top of his. Without seeing a single thing, I can feel just how much bigger mine are compared to his. In this instant, he physically feels small as we cuddle.

Sadly, this moment broke as he began to stir. I pretended to be asleep. I know how flustered he would get if he woke up to find himself in this position, so I spare him. Like clockwork, I felt his body stiffen and before I knew it, he was gradually yet gently removing my top arm from around his body before he snuck into a seated position. I can feel the bed sink as he sat at its edge, and it remained like this for just a couple of minutes longer just before I felt him get up. At first, I heard him shuffling as he grabbed a hold of his pants, and then I caught a glimpse of him putting them on with his back turned to me. He was shirtless at first, but then he put on a simple t-shirt. He used his entire hand to brush back his hair. It gives me a thrill to see him dressed down with such messy hair. He was about to turn, so I quickly shut my eyes. I barely heard any footsteps as he walked out of the room. I opened my eyes and laid on my back, hand behind my head. I’m not quite ready to get up just yet.

There was no more sleep in me anymore so I grab my phone from the side table and see missed messages from Wonho.

 **Wonho (8:11am):** Are you okay?

 **Wonho (8:13am):** I know what happened. Jooheon told Shownu while I was with him. I’m worried about you.

 **Wonho (8:26am):** Message me when you can.

I should have seen this coming.

 **Me (9:22am):** Wonho, baby. I’m fine. :) I’m with Kihyun right now.

 **Wonho (9:23am):** 1-10?

I smirk.

 **Me (9:23am):** 0

 **Wonho (9:24am):** If you need me, just say it, okay?

I start to smell food. I think Kihyun is making breakfast.

 **Me (9:26am):** I’ll call you later. :]

I set the phone back down on the side table and decided to get up. I feel cold. I think the air condition is on high. I grab a blanket and wrap it around myself like a cape. It’s a long blanket, one that goes down to my shins. I leave the room with it on as I make my way to the kitchen that’s on the same floor, following the scent of soup, rice, and galbi drifting in the air. His living room and kitchen area are all naturally lit. It may be raining outside, but the open-concept rooms are still so bright.

Kihyun didn’t see me enter. He has his back to me, focused on cooking breakfast and humming a soft tune on-key. He was always good at doing that. He had been completely immersed in what he was doing that when I went to hug him from behind, he flinched the tiniest bit, his movement and song coming to a sudden stop, but then he continued. Granted, his humming did not.

I rest my chin on his shoulder. “I want to say something,” I began.

“Food is almost done,” he assumed mechanically.

Air escaped my nose as I smiled. “No, not that.” Silence followed as he waited. “I just wanted to say thank you for always taking good care of me.” His soup stirring slowed down. I rested my head on his back now as I continued, “you know more than anyone how my life was before. I try not to remember, but sometimes I think about the day we met. I kept seeing The Laconic on my daily walks, those aimless ones where I had nowhere to go when I wasn’t home.” I chuckled. “Even though it wasn’t much of a home.” I recall living with people who were awful, whom would steal from me even though I had almost nothing. “I came to you with nothing,” I murmured, “hopelessly looking for a job with no resumé, no references, while my mental health was at its worse. I didn’t have any hopes for it, but I had to try. I put on my best self for you. I cleaned myself up, brushed my hair, put on clothing that wasn’t ripped or dirty even though it wasn’t proper interview attire. But in spite of that, you saw past it and we talked. We spoke for so long. It took me off guard that someone actually wanted to get to know me and I remember going home crying that day because you gave me the job right on the spot. I had felt worthless before that, and sometimes I still feel that way, but you saw me as valuable, and I’ll never forget that.”

I felt Kihyun’s chest rise as he inhaled deeply, turning the heater on the stove to its lowest setting before turning around completely to meet my eyes. I wasn’t touching him now as I stand in front of him, hugging my own body with the blanket. My body was convulsively shaking beneath it not because I was cold, but the nerves are making themselves known. I’m overcome with so much love for him. With one of my hands, I softly brushed his hair away from his eyes. “You do such a good job with taking care of me and making sure that I’m okay, even if you don’t make it obvious, you do. I never know how to repay you. I don’t think it’s even possible, but I wanted to thank you,” I smiled.

A quiet moment fell between us. He looked to be processing this conversation as he stared down at my chest, his small lips pursing. His voice came out low, saying each word carefully as he slowly looked into my eyes. “I’ve known that Jooheon owns Heart Notes since you started going there. I had asked Jeonghan to do a background check on everything. When he came up with the info about your ex-boyfriend, he said it was clear, that he was harmless, but to me, he still posed a threat. I was worried for a time that you would see him, maybe even break our agreement, so that’s why I sent Jeonghan with you all of those nights. The first couple of times, he saw that Jooheon purposely kept his distance, maybe because he saw you with another man, and so I allowed it. I argued with Jeonghan on various occasions, and it was Jeonghan who told me that he would make sure that nothing would happen, to just let you have your fun because of how much you love it there. He was always optimistic while I planned ahead for what would happen if worse comes to worse, like it did last night. I could have easily bought Jooheon out of his business to avoid this, to keep it going without you knowing, but that would have been too extreme and if you ever found out, I knew that you—”

“I would have had a hard time forgiving you if I ever found out,” I finished, a little more daring with my tone than usual.

Our eyes locked, and he nodded. “I’m well aware.” He shook his head and said, “I wouldn’t. Instead, I risked it because that place made you happy. After a while of you going, I stopped worrying as much because Jeonghan was with you, and I trust him, but there was always that fear at the back of my mind that expected what had happened last night to happen at some point, but it was far worse than I imagined. And it had to be on the one night that Jeonghan wasn’t with you.”

“He was there at the end. He drove me here.”

“Good. But do you now understand why I’ve been sending him with you?”

I nodded, looking him straight in the eyes. “I think so.”

“It’s not because I wanted to spy on you. I wanted to give you that space.” He paused for a couple of seconds before he faintly added, “I trust you.”

“I know,” I said, believing him immediately.

He cleared his throat and his voice returned to normal. “I just wish that you hadn’t picked the one place in the goddam city where it was necessary to have eyes on you. I know that place makes you comfortable, so I wanted you to feel at ease.”

My head tilted, a bit confused. “But I always feel comfortable with you.”

He smirked, air escaping his nose. “I don’t know how I feel about that.”

I put my blanket arms loosely around his neck and leaned into him, feeling a genuine smile form on my lips. “You might intimidate others, sir, but—"

“Don’t say it,” he warned, chin raised, eyebrows cocked up as his hand went to grab my chin, lightly squeezing my cheeks.

“—you don’t scare me,” I finished teasingly.

He released me as he let out a single hearty laugh, his head falling back before looking directly at me and saying, “are you sure about that?” There’s a big smile on his face.

“Maybe only a little,” I laughed. I haven’t felt this light in a long time as I watched Kihyun’s smile widen in disbelief. His smiles are the sweetest, especially if they’re for me. As I leaned into him, I lowered my lips to his neck and kissed him and all went quiet except for his deep breathing. He tilted his head just a little bit to accommodate my small actions. This went on for a few seconds until I bit him by surprise. He hissed hard, though I know that he enjoys it just as much as I do.

“Are you testing me?”

My lips pursed, fighting a smile as we eyed each other with half-open eyes, feeling a different type of hunger this time. “Never a test, sir. I just get excited to have the tiniest bit of power over you every once in a while,” I whispered.

“You’re like a puppy,” he muttered, looking at me past his nose.

“Is it okay that I do?” I asked for permission.

Kihyun’s eyebrow twitched, and I can tell that he was turned on by this. It’s not like this hasn’t happened before. It wasn’t a part of the contract. “No one can know about this,” he warned me softly as he brushed my hair away from my eyes.

I shook my head. “I won’t say a word,” I promised.

“Good,” he said, rubbing the top of my head, giving up on brushing back my hair completely before turning back around to focus on the food.

A thought came to mind suddenly.

“Can I ask you question?”

“Mh,” he agreed.

“Why were you so mad at me before?”

He sighed. “Because you brought my personal business into the bedroom.”

It took me a second to connect the dots. He’s talking about Shownu. Since Shownu got involved with Wonho, and Wonho has an agreement with Kihyun, that makes him Kihyun’s personal business. I broke one of Kihyun’s rules that he had set for me since the beginning. I desperately want to tell him that I had done nothing with and to Shownu, but it would only expose him and Wonho, as well as sabotage us all as a whole. I can’t tell him about our conversation. I can’t do that to them. But I don’t know what’s worse, me withholding this information and breaking yet another rule, or Kihyun believing that I had been physical with Shownu. Neither of those options make me feel good.

“Please don’t be mad,” I pouted, feeling inwardly ashamed. “You not talking to me was torture enough. It was so mean.”

He turned the stove off and faced me once again. “We had a deal. I would allow you to do your work, to earn a living, but the moment that things get personal, you do not engage under any circumstance. But you did. In front of me, no less. You broke our deal.”

“I’m yours, I swear.” My words are true, but I realized that it was just another lie as Mr. Park’s face entered my mind. I feel immensely disgraceful, though I really don’t mean to.

“And what about Jooheon?”

Kihyun is worried.

“Nothing will happen, I promise.”

After a few seconds of silence passed, I pouted as I said, “please don’t be mad.” 

“How are you feeling today?” he asked suddenly.

My eyebrows knitted. “I’m fine, why do you ask?”

A devious lopsided grin appeared. “I delayed your punishment only a day.”

Of course, there was a catch. My eyes widened. “Wait, does this mean—”

“I have plans for you. Eat up, first.”

He does care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos. I love to see it!  
> Also, leave comments and share this story with others! I would absolutely appreciate it.


	8. Stay the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We had no time to talk as we made ourselves presentable and before we knew it, the intercom buzzer went off. I pressed it without speaking, and let Jooheon into the building.
> 
> “Do you think—” Wonho muttered, a bit of fear in his tone, his eyes wide. I knew immediately what he was implying.
> 
> I shook my head. “There’s no way that this has anything to do with Kihyun. Don’t worry, okay?” I reassured him as I held his hand, squeezing it tightly before letting go to open the door. I saw Jooheon pacing his way down the hall and right into the apartment, seemingly out of breath. His eyes were glazed. Was he crying?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming back! And we've returned to Shownu's POV. I feel like with this story that I've created, it has gradually grown into an ensemble of POV's that will come and go at appropriate times to enrich the plot even more. However, this will still remain a ShowHo based fic, and the main POV is Shownu. I won't lie .. I've shocked myself quite a bit with my writing technique, but the feedback has been very good, and I will continue with it. I wonder whose POV you'd like to see next. ^^
> 
> I know that the previous chapter was heavy TT .. so I made this one a mix between soft and spicy (ehhh), a nice break. I'm aware that many of you have certain ships that make sense and that don't - like ShowKi, HyungWonho, etc. But as you can tell, I love straying and experimenting with other ships to keep it interesting (I'm having a lot of fun with KiHyuk), and I feel like it's been working. However, the one that I love the most, that I kept true to, was JooHyuk. I have the softest spot for them and I just had to write them in. I feel like with the other ships that you are seeing, that aren't the usual, might eventually surprise you if they haven't already. I hope you enjoy!

Moving out of my parent’s house for the first time after finishing university was the most liberated that I had ever felt in my entire life, but it wasn’t an easy task. This was because it had been an abrupt wakeup call for eomma as I was placing more and more space between us than I had already set before moving out. Rather than her mending our broken relationship in my early twenties, she had attempted to control it some more, and even went as far as to disguise it as help. This control came in the form of assisting me in finding a home for Na-ri and I to live in together since we were engaged at the time. We never needed any help in the first place, but since I am her only son, she was adamant on needing to be there. Eomma wanted to help pick out the best house for us, but it was all so that she can say she _earned_ a spare key for whenever she wanted to come and visit. I caught on to the manipulation towards the end of that house-searching process, but Na-ri enabled it at the very last minute, going as far as to defend eomma mainly because she and appa had offered to help us pay for it, or so she said. I tried with all my power to refuse. For a moment, I actually thought that eomma was being genuine and supportive. In the end, when her true motive came to light, I rejected this on the spot in spite of what Na-ri wanted and the space only grew bigger with it. But when Na-ri got pregnant, eomma tried to close the gap between us almost out of subtle desperation, afraid that she wouldn’t be allowed to see her grand-child as much as she would like to because of this wedge between us. For me, it was understandable, so we tried to mend it for a time. I tried to, at least. Na-ri and I would invite our parents over, go shopping for the baby together, and we would make the effort to actually be a family for the sake of the baby. This only lasted for a couple of months but during that time, a side of eomma had come out that I wished was there for the majority of my life. She was a mixture of happy, attentive, kind and nurturing, checking in not just on Na-ri, but on me, as well. It was strange to say the least.

And it was great while it lasted.

Though when Na-ri did what she did to our baby and became the person that she is today, that terrible side of eomma returned ten-times stronger once we had filed for a divorce and everything fell apart. I’ve wanted to tell eomma the truth about what had really happened since then, but there was no point in doing so as years of damage had already been done. In spite of that distance, eomma became persistent over time, trying to get Na-ri and I back together, even to this day as she continues to frequently blame me for tearing the family apart. At times, the guilt does get to me. It’s on those days where I blame myself for taking that chance away from her by having broken up with Na-ri, but I remind myself that had good reason to. The relationship had become very unhealthy, but in spite of that, eomma was and remains to be eager to become a grandmother. And clearly, she will try to achieve it at all cost. 

It’s the fact that she has never respected boundaries that does it for me.

Now, I’m clinging on to my family solely because of appa. While growing up, he was always working, very rarely at home so we hardly got to talk or spend any time together. During those years, eomma had always painted him a certain way, always telling me that if appa had ever figured out about my interests and all of the times that I had slipped up, that he would show me the door immediately. The idea of that always terrified me. I was already alone as it was with heavy restrictions placed on me, so the idea of my parents leaving me alone terrified me. In reality, my appa is a tough man, but that was because his career is exhausting and draining. He has always told me how proud of me he was, even now as an adult, and I’ve gradually come to understand this about him mainly because of our last conversation together. Sure, there were times where I had disappointed him, but the fact of it is that eomma exaggerated everything. At this point, my bond with him has grown much stronger, having become a significant one in my life, while the one that I should have with eomma has become non-existent. Appa told me during that birthday dinner they threw for me that she never used to be like that a long time ago. As much as I would like to believe his words, and I do to some extent, it’s just difficult to picture her as a decent human being after staying so long in this manner. All I know is this, and as much as I try to move on from all of it, from her, it occasionally makes me sad to have to accept the fact that I don’t have a healthy relationship with my mother, either. And the more time that passed, the more I had realized that maybe those were her own thoughts that she had projected onto me in order to control and scare me from doing things and being who I really am. As I've grown older, the picture became clearer, and I came to understand that her behaviour was never okay.

In the meantime, I’m thankful for the friends that I have because they have become my chosen family. And I’ll never forget the day that I had opened up to them about my birth family growing up. Jooheon had felt sad for me and empathized, though Changkyun had a more opinionated reaction when it came to the topic of eomma. He once said that _’if the relationship is toxic, to just drop it. It doesn’t matter who it is. Whether it’s family or friend or stranger. If they constantly hurt you, especially if they do it on purpose, then they have no place in our lives no matter what. It’s tough that it’s your mom, man, but do what’s right for you.’_

His words never left me.

\-------------------------------------------------

Early this morning, the phone began to ring as I was still in bed. I’m so exhausted, but the moment that I saw Wonho’s name pop up on the caller ID, a rush kicked in as I sat up on the bed with my back against the pillow to answer it.

“Hello?” I say.

There was a chuckle on the other line. “You sound cute when you’re half-asleep.

I smirked. “Mh.” I look at my watch to see that it’s nearing nine in the morning.

“If I give you an hour, will you welcome me into the apartment?”

My head tilted. “What do you mean?”

“What I mean is I want to come over”

“Uh—” I stuttered, shocked. “Okay, I'll see you in an hour, then,” I agreed.

I didn’t think that this would have been an easy possibility between the two of us, to easily spend this time together, but this proves me wrong. He is surprising me with a visit, and I am caught completely off guard in the sweetest way possible. After we hung up the phone, I was given plenty of time to shower, clean the place up, and collect myself given that I was becoming progressively nervous to see him. But the moment that the door opened and I saw the biggest most authentic smile that reached his eyes, turning them into crescent moons, all of those nerves just melted away. He was instantly playful, the happiest that I had ever seen him. He set the heavy-looking white bag that he was holding down off to his side before he quite eagerly hugged me, his arms quickly encircling my waist as his chin rested on my shoulder. I wrapped mine around his arms in return. We remained like this a lot longer than I expected and I realized straight away that he smells so good. I think it might even be a cologne that I have in my collection. It was an attractive one that only made me want to hold him tighter and not let go.

Before he arrived, I was worried for obvious reasons. I don’t want him to get caught and get into trouble for it, but his smile was reassuring and it lifted the heaviness of those worries. I smiled back at him once our bodies separated.

I questioned him about the white bag.

“I’m making us lunch,” he grinned widely. “Are you hungry?”

“Mh. I’m always hungry,” I explained.

“What do you like to eat?”

“Everything,” I said as a fact.

He laughed. “Okay good, then you’ll have to deal with my cooking.”

“Then I will be eating good food,” I assumed.

His eyes narrowed suspiciously. “But how do you know it’ll be good?”

“Because you’re a good person, and good people make good food,” I explained, thinking about how I was once told that the energy that people put into their food indicates how the food will come out. “If the person cooking puts a lot of love into what they are making, then it’s sure to turn out good.”

He let out a hearty laugh, “I like that. We’ll see if this theory is true.”

“How long are you able to stay?” I asked as I led him in and closed the door.

He removed his leather jacket and hung it up. “Until you want to kick me out,” he smirked.

This was odd to me. “But what about Kihyun?”

“A little doll told me that Kihyun would be a bit too preoccupied until sometime tomorrow.”

I smirked as I nodded. Once his hands were free, I pulled him in with one hand and kissed him, having wanted to do that so badly since the last time I had seen him in this exact spot when we were saying our goodbye. “Hm. The longer you stay, the less inclined I feel to let you go,” I lightly warned him, holding his free hand and gently swinging it at our sides.

Wonho scrunched his nose at this. His hand cupped my chin and said, “I wish.”

The two of us spent the day getting to know each other more. We ate lunch, which was better than good in the end, spoke for hours, then I cooked dinner in return, watched a movie, and had laughs in between. He seemed really happy and light, which I mirrored. Something that I noticed during this time is that he has various types of laughter and each of them gives me a boost of serotonin. He has the kind of high child-like giggle that goes up and then down in waves when he’s either shy or embarrassed, the squeaky type that sounds like a window wiper which only makes me laugh, and also his boisterous laughter when something is legitimately funny, which exposes his gummy smile. I really love making him laugh, and perhaps his has replaced Na-ri’s in my mind, having gradually desensitized hers. My mind feels at ease with him here. All of my thoughts are flowing rather than scrambling, my mind only filled with the present moment. At times, neither of us speaks, and there’s comfort in just being with each other in the silence. We even quietly chuckle at each other without uttering a single word. Between the two of us, we were in no need for words, which is a very comfortable position for me.

While watching the movie, he leaned his cheek onto my shoulder as our hands remained intertwined. I don’t know about him, but I had a difficult time focusing on the movie as he played around with my hand. At first, with just one hand, and then he held my one hand palm-up with both of his. He carefully massaged it, gently tracing the lines and outline with the tip of his fingers, his touch so light and natural. My head is aimed up at the screen, but my eyes are on what he was doing with my hand. As he continued, I admire the fact that his fingers are free of the ring that Kihyun had given to him. The fact that he isn’t makes me feel so lucky to be wanted by Wonho.

Is this what normal would feel like with him? I don’t want it to ever end.

Once the movie was done, Wonho got up and he did a stretch, extending his arms all the way up in the air as he makes a strained sound, his shirt rising up as it revealed his lower back and abdomen. I watched him as he did this, and suddenly realized that I was checking him out, appreciating just how big his backside is. I am unable to resist the urge to get up and smoothly stand right behind him as I wrapped my arms around his bare waist just as it was exposed, leaning my lower half into his cheeks with my face nuzzled between his neck and shoulder.

“Mnh,” he made a small sound, his head dropping forward as he held onto my arms, his fingers rubbing them. I began to kiss his neck softly, real kisses as my hands snuck into his shirt. They blindly explored his absurdly structured chest, and then my fingers began playing with his nipples. His body keeled over the slightest bit as I felt his weight on my arms, a sure sign of weakness as I’ve discovered one of his more sensitive points. “You’re driving me crazy,” he faintly admitted as he turned himself around, flustered by this sudden attack. My hands remained inside his shirt, though they are now flat on his back.

My lips pursed as a thought entered my mind, unable to avoid it, feeling bold.

“What do you want me to do,” I asked, my voice deeper than I expected.

My hands that are on his back began to travel lower—

Wonho blinked, his ears turning red. “I—” but then he hesitated, distracted by my travelling touch.

—until my hands found his cheeks—

“Or what do _you_ want to do,” I gave him yet another option as I kissed the nape of his neck, suddenly open to anything with him.

—and then my hands squeeze him.

“I-I-I have an idea,” he stuttered as I pulled him closer, “but I don’t know if you’ll like it.”

I felt my eyebrow raise, intrigued as we made eye contact again. “What’s the idea?”

He smiled, and I can tell that he was getting shy about it. “Go to your room and I’ll meet you there.” I inhaled, he kissed me on the cheek, and then we parted. When I entered my bedroom, I turned on the dim bedside table lamps so that we weren’t in complete darkness, and went to sit at the foot of the bed. When he entered the room, I stood up, wondering what he was doing. He looks anxious as he slowly went to stand directly in front of me. I saw that one of his hands is now hidden behind his back, which has me burning with curiosity now.

“What’s in your hand?” I asked, intrigued by his knack for surprises.

“You’ll find out soon,” he giggled, unable to hold back his suspicious little smile.

“You’re making me want to—" I began teasingly as I attempted to grab a hold of whatever he was hiding, though he suddenly wriggled his way out successfully in laughter.

“Hey, you’re no good with surprises, are you?” he chuckled.

I smirked, shrugging my shoulders. “Not this one time.”

But then his smile and happy sound faded, his eyes suddenly soft and wide as he whispered for me to take my pants off. This order was so subtle that I paused for a second to admire him for it before I did just that. He began to remove my shirt with one hand, to which I assisted him, and then it fell to the floor at our side. He scanned my chest in the moment, taking me all in before his chin raised and then he placed one hand on my shoulder and gently got me to sit down on the bed that is directly behind me. I was now looking up at him in complete awe while he stood in between my legs looking down at me with a hazy looking expression. He is clearly taking the lead this time, which is very new to me.

“What’s the surprise?” I whispered one more time.

“You have to undress me first, but whatever you do, don’t look at my hand or you’ll spoil it,” he warned as he teased a slow burning build up. 

My eyebrow cocked up and lips curled inwards, enjoying the idea of that. After all, we both know that we aren’t in any sort of hurry this time. Without any hesitation, I grabbed the ends of his shirt and lifted it up and above his head, careful not to look at what was in his hand as I respected his wishes, keeping my eyes on his and his on mine. The light in the room was dim from the bedside lamp, and it outlined and shaded all of his muscles and his facial features so perfectly as he was facing towards it. I continued to strip him until he was fully naked. He gazed down at me past his nose, his thick lips plump, and his eyes half-open with absolute desire. As much as I want to be in him right now, I waited. I want to see what he has in store for me, first. 

Instead, I went and cupped him, rubbing up and down before his length went into my mouth. This is my first time ever doing this, but if I were to be honest, I know what feels good already, and so I use this to my advantage. I moved at a steady pace, and then his head fell back and his knees were beginning to shake with time. He was slowly losing and regaining his focus in waves and that’s when I brought both of my hands to his waist to keep him steady, helping him to move backwards and forwards, in and out without me moving, and then he started to fuck my mouth. As he did this, my finger found his hole and began to play with it and his little moans began. His movement faltered from time to time as my finger poked through the tiniest bit, though I didn’t allow it to go any further. I just want him to anticipate me. With one hand still behind his back, his fingers from his free hand brushed back my hair, gripping it as he continued to follow the rhythm of his own light thrusts. His grip tightened every time he felt things intensely, which only excited me further. This went on until his body convulsed, and he suddenly bent down to me as he placed a hand desperately on my shoulder and quickly begged for me to “stop, stop, stop.” I slowly came to a halt and looked up at him only to be suddenly kissed. Both of his forearms rested on my shoulders, his back still bent down to me as his kisses gradually turned aggressive, feeling the after effects of what I had just done. I removed my finger and decided to maneuver my way up the bed, bringing him with me until our bodies began writhing against each other. He then stopped once he was laying at my side, his hand flat on my chest as he leaned in and sighed, “can I play with you, please?”

My eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?” I wondered.

He brought what was hidden in his hand into view, his fingers peeling away to reveal what looks like a butt-plug. “I want to make you feel good, if that’s okay,” he muttered, his voice low and wary.

“You already make me feel good,” I grinned.

“But you’ve never experienced _this_ type of good,” he tempted.

“Is that what you want?”

Wonho nodded, looking at me hungrily with wide, needy eyes, and I couldn’t help the nod that followed.

Wonho silently turned his body around given that he was closest to the bedside table, opened the drawer and retrieved the lube easily, having remembered that I kept it there from our last time together. I watched him as he did this, turned on by the fact that he was taking all of this initiative. Once he settled back down at my side, everything paused for a moment as he leaned into me so that our foreheads are now touching. He then mumbled, “just try to relax, okay?” He then began to kiss me, his fingers from his free hand weaving into my hair before trailing down to grasp my arm. We stopped kissing, and that’s when he got up slightly to turn me over so that I was on my stomach. He got up to position himself between my legs while hovering over my back, one arm pressed on the bed to my side as it kept him balanced. He had set the toy and lube aside for the meantime, freeing up his other hand as it gradually traced my back, feeling the rise and falls of my muscles, his touch giving me shivers. He lowered himself and kissed the nape of my neck, and then these kisses turned into a lick that deliberately trailed down my spine and dangerously close to—

I got scared and stopped him with my hand behind my back. Without me saying a word, he took the hint. My heart is thrumming out of my chest, feeling vulnerable all of a sudden, never having done this before. I can’t see him, but I feel his body rise as he got into a kneeling position, and then he grabbed the lube. I can hear him opening it, and seconds after, he tossed it to the side. One of his hands rested flat on my cheek, while the other started to massage the ring. After a little bit of this, I feel the tip of his finger poke through. It went in and out, feeling absolutely strange to me the farther he went. The lube is helping because I’m not feeling a lot of stretching pain, but as the time went, he tried going deeper and deeper with one finger and I can feel everything. He was being so gentle that I didn’t move as much as I thought I would. I didn’t realize that it would feel like this, this pressure as he was gradually able to fit two fingers in. After a rather long while of him teasing me like this, of me just getting used to this sensation, he slowly removed them and that feeling alone made me wince into the bed as I grasped at the sheets.

“I’m going to use it now, okay?” he warned after smearing lube on the toy.

He saw me nod without a word. He placed it on the ring, and I felt him nudging it about until he was able to gradually penetrate me. “Fuck,” he whispered, clearly enjoying the view. I can feel it even more than I did his fingers. I groaned into my pillow, really feeling the tightness of it as it steadily made its way fully in. Once it was all the way through, Wonho took a second, grasping both of my cheeks with his hands as he moved them apart. I was breathing fast now as it momentarily stung, but then the pain gradually dulled with time. He left it in there for me to get accustomed to, but then he began to play with it some more as he slowly pulled the toy in and out, but not fully out in order to stretch the ring even further. It took me a bit more time to adapt but after that, Wonho stopped. He leaned into me and spoke into my ear, “get onto your back slowly.”

With that, I turned myself over, but I didn’t expect for the feeling to intensify as my body pressed into the plug, making it dig deeper into me. It made me groan as I bit down on my lip. He held both of his hands out for mine and he lifted me into a seated position with my back against the headboard, which increased it by even more. Wonho smirked at my reaction to this. He slowly went to sit on top of me, though he didn’t put any pressure. He grabbed the lube again and poured it onto his fingers but this time, he rubbed it on his own ring before cupping my cock and pressing it into him. However hard I tried to keep it to myself, I couldn’t help the rather loud grunted moan I let out. I can feel my eyebrows furrow and eyes widen as I stare up at him, mouth somewhat gaped open, utterly dazed and surprised by how good this feels on either side after the pain and discomfort had left.

This fucking is on a whole other level for me.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

My lips curl inwards as I nod to his question, feeling better than okay but I couldn’t seem to find the words. This is because I realized that the toy is hitting the sweet spot in me as he began to lift himself in slow rise and falls, carefully and repeatedly coming down as his arms are loosely wrapped around my shoulders. I began to appreciate the fact that he was going really easy on me. My head fell back on the headboard the longer we kept this up, my eyes coming in and out of focus. I bent my knees up so that he was sitting on me properly, having a place for his back to rest in need be. My hands were tense as they grabbed a firm hold of his waist, helping him in his movements. After a while, we changed our position, and now I was taking him from behind with the plug still in me. There wasn’t as much pressure now that I wasn’t sitting on it, but the need to come almost right away is still there. I purse my lips, holding it in as I enter him. His chest is touching the bed while his bottom half is raised as he rested on his forearms. I looked down to him and took in this image, the one of him clawing at my bed sheets, his back muscles contracting with every pleasure spasm, and his face digging into the bed the faster I went as it muffled his moans. I grip onto his waist with both hands, our skin slapping now. I went as deep as I could possibly go, his moans coming out light and breathy with every thrust. My hand went to cup him, and it moved up and down faster than my hips were. With one arm, I went to wrap it under his torso and lifted him as he sat up on my bent legs. We were both upright now as I enveloped him in both of my arms as his head fell backwards. For a moment, we slowly came to a stop, and now I was the one to take the lead. 

As I softly kiss his back, my entire length in him, my hand continued to move up and down on his. I carefully played with the tip, gently lifting his bottom as I move in and out of him effortlessly, deliberate and deep. Wonho leaned his body forward, his arms straight down at his sides and hands resting on the bed.

“Yes, t-there—” he stuttered as I found the spot in him that would make him come in a matter of seconds, his legs quivering after I found it. If I wanted to, I would ram him exactly there over and over, but I want to milk the time we have, not wanting him to finish just yet. I cautiously continue this movement, but now his ass is clenched around my cock. The tightness feels euphoric, but it was getting progressively difficult to go in and out, so I used a little more force. He began to whimper with the sudden fast-pace impact, his body slightly keeled forward a bit more with his head facing down on the bed while remaining upright.

“Bring your legs together,” I grunted. He did, and he suddenly moaned louder.

Wonho straightened his body back up again, his back now to my chest. My hand brushed his chest as it makes its way up to his neck, wrapping around it. I started to feel as if I were about to come, so my thrusts sped up, my grip around his neck tightened, and our breathing come out heavily. I didn’t realize just how tight my hand was around his neck until both of his hands went to clasp it, though he did not try to pry it away. I loosened it anyway, though I didn’t lose my pace. I can feel his legs shaking as I held him up. But the longer I kneeled, the more I felt the toy pressing into me, and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I release his neck and go to hug his torso with both arms, constricting it as I came inside of him without any hesitation. This only made him come a few seconds later as I gave a couple of strong last-second thrusts. We stay in this upright position for a few seconds after we finish, his hands tight holding onto my arms as we catch our breath, my heart beating dramatically.

I carefully remove myself from him, and he collapses onto his stomach. Given his state, I decidedly go to remove the toy from me, and the sensation made me wince before my body relaxed. I toss it on the floor before getting up, making my way to the bathroom to get a small towel. Wonho looked knocked out, unable to move or to even speak for a good few minutes as I wiped him down gently, and I can see the smallest smile appear on his lips, though his eyes remain closed. Once I tossed the towel as well, I went to lay down beside him, positioning my arm below his neck as he turned his head to face me. He remained on his stomach while I was on my back, and then I kissed his forehead. Without opening his eyes, he smirked. We spent a few more minutes in absolute silence as we processed everything.

“I like when you’re here,” I muttered, breaking the silence.

Wonho's eyes slowly opened, now gazing at me with a soft look. He seems calm, relaxed, almost like nothing is on his mind except for me and this very moment. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” he quietly explained.

With that being said, I gently brought my hand flat to his cheek and he moved his face up so that I could kiss him. The movement was delicate. Na-ri was never this affectionate. I have waited so long for something like this, but I never expected for it to be this sincere, and with another man. I hope to never break this, but then I remember that there’s another reality past these walls.

He turned his body around so that he was on his back and then I lifted his hand up in front of us, gently playing around with it, just as he had with mine earlier. I love the shape of his hands, and they fit into mine so well. He watched the movements carefully without a word. I can’t see his face now given that he’s resting the side of it where my collar bone is, but I could swear that he smiled. I held his left hand a certain way and hesitantly ask, “is this where he would have put the ring?”

I feel him nod, “mh.”

While I held his hand up, my thumb and index finger massaged the exact spot on his ring finger where it would have been. “People would think you’re taken if you did.”

Air escaped his nose. “I think that’s the point.”

This made me sad. But I can only imagine how it makes him feel. With my arm still under his neck, I decided to lift myself up and over him, suddenly burrowing my face into his neck just before kissing it. This apparently tickled him, so he began to laugh, and it was such an endearing sound that I wanted to hear more but also didn’t want to put him through torture, so I slowed my movement. I lingered with the kisses, his laughter ceasing as they gradually turned into soft little moans. His arms made their way loosely around my neck as I repositioned myself directly on top of him, still naked. Both of us are getting hard again.

But then my phone rang. And I let it ring for some time as we continued. It then stopped, though it began to ring again seconds later.

“Go get it,” Wonho pushed. “It might be important.”

“But—” I said between neck kisses.

“It might be important,” he nudged.

Air escaped my nose as I smiled. “Fine. I’ll remember to put it on silent next time.”

Wonho’s eyes rolled up. “Go get it,” he chuckled, urging me as it was nearing the end of the ring. I lean into the side table while still hovering above him and answer, seeing that it was Jooheon calling. 

I tried hard to hide my bedroom voice. “Hello?”

“I fucked up,” Jooheon began with panic heavy in his voice. My facial expression must have changed because Wonho’s head tilted curiously, looking concerned all of a sudden. “I need to talk to you, I really fucking messed up, please, I—”

I quickly got up to sit on the side of the bed, but then felt the twinge of pain from what Wonho had just finished doing, cringing as I braked my movement. “Slow down, okay? What do you mean you fucked up?” Wonho went to sit directly beside me, his hand resting on my shoulder blade. His touch was somehow reassuring and grounding as I listened to my friend having an anxiety attack through the phone, and I’m sure that Wonho can hear him word-for-word as well given the volume. I look at the time on the nightstand and see that it’s a little past nine.

“Fuck, man, I can’t say through the phone. It's a lot. Can I come over?”

I hesitated, looking at Wonho, who faintly nodded. “But Wonho is here.”

“Good, this concerns him, too.” Wonho and I gave each other a look, and this only raised some anxiety. “I’ll be there in five, okay?”

I agreed, and we hung up. I put my phone on silent.

Wonho and I both scurried to put on our clothing. We simply closed the bedroom door so that he would not see the outcome of our evening since we don’t have any time to clean. With the abrupt adrenaline, I hardly felt any pain. We had no time to talk as we made ourselves presentable and before we knew it, the intercom buzzer went off. I pressed it without speaking, and let Jooheon into the building.

“Do you think—” Wonho muttered, a bit of fear in his tone, his eyes wide. I knew immediately what he was implying.

I shook my head. “There’s no way that this has anything to do with Kihyun. Don’t worry, okay?” I reassured him as I held his hand, squeezing it tightly before letting go to open the door. I saw Jooheon pacing his way down the hall and right into the apartment, seemingly out of breath. His eyes were glazed. Was he crying?

“Jooheon-ah, what happened?” I asked as I closed the door.

He took a second to bow to Wonho since it was his first time formally meeting him, but then went on to remove his boots haphazardly with one hand, shaking his head as he began to actually cry. “That’s the thing, I don’t know what happened, hyung. I don’t know where to start,” he was out of breath as he straightened up.

“What is this about?” I prompted.

“And what does it have to do with me?” Wonho added skeptically, his voice timid and noticeably concerned.

Jooheon’s eyes looked pained as he looked from me to Wonho and said, “Minhyuk.”

My attention went immediately to Wonho, whose eyes narrowed at the mention of his closest friend, surely taken aback but this connection. As am I.

“Do you mean _my_ Minhyuk?” Wonho pointed at himself.

The way that Wonho referred to Minhyuk as his made me realize in this moment just how significant their friendship is.

Jooheon eyed Wonho and nodded, almost apologetically. “I’m sorry that we had to meet like this,” he said sadly. But then Jooheon turned to me. “Shownu-hyung,” he hesitated, “meeting Minhyuk at The Laconic the last time we went wasn’t the first time in my life that I had ever seen him.”

“Did you go there before?” I asked.

He shook his head, “I knew him for a long time.”

That’s right. I recall him saying to Minhyuk how he looked familiar as we were passing him in the hall of mirrors, but I never put much thought into that. I should have asked Jooheon, but my mind had been too preoccupied with finding out what the deal was with Wonho and Kihyun that it completely went over my head.

“Is he okay?” Wonho cut in with a serious, almost protective tone, now.

Jooheon looked torn, speaking quickly. “Yes, he’s okay. But also, no. I don’t know, to be honest,” and evidently, so were his words. “I just saw him now and—” he paused, unsure how to go about beginning.

“Come, sit,” I said as I led them into the living room. Wonho looked stressed, and so I held his hand as we went to take our seats. Jooheon sat forward on a separate couch to our left, his elbows on his knees, unable to relax. At my side in between Jooheon and I, I can see Wonho’s leg shaking rapidly as it did that first night, a nervous tic. I put a grounding hand on his leg, leaving it there, gently giving it a squeeze as to ease his anxiety, and then he stopped. I heard him breathe out. He must have been holding his breath.

Jooheon wasn’t deterred by this action, though he eyed Wonho first as he started with, “Minhyuk isn’t physically hurt, you don’t need to worry about that.” From then on, his focus went back and forth from Wonho to me as he continued with all that he had to say, a little calmer now that he was sitting and able to get a breath in.

“Start from the beginning, then,” I said.

“Okay, hyung,” he inhaled. “So, when I was in my first year of college, I met Minhyuk. He was a waiter at this college hang-out place that I loved to go to with my friends. It was one of my favourite places. I always loved that every time I went there, he would smile so wide, and I know that’s just good customer service, but even on my bad days, it made me happy. After a few months of seeing him there and asking around about him, I finally asked him for his number. I was surprised that he had even given it to me.”

“So, you and him—” I started, though I’m not too certain on how to continue, but luckily, he finished my thought for me.

“Hyung, I like guys, too. And in my entire life, I liked him the most. It’s always been him. I thought he was so good-looking and nice and all I wanted to do was actually get to know him outside of his work. And when we did, it took a long time to convince him to date me, but then he gave in and we dated for about a year after that.” His eyes started to glisten once again before he added with a strained tone, “God, hyung, I really loved him.” I think Jooheon was saying this out of frustration, now.

Wonho’s gaze turned to me and his eyes had softened significantly. We had no idea. “What happened, then?” Wonho questioned lightly. 

“Why pretend like you both didn’t know each other?” I added.

“I’m not too sure why he pretended not to know me at The Laconic. I tried to jog his memory for a second, but he acted like he didn’t know me, so I didn't push for more. I was always afraid that something like this would happen,” he said with the panic in his tone again.

“Slow down, you’re jumping ahead now,” I said, not understanding what he meant by that. “Why did you both stop talking to begin with?” I asked.

“His family found out.” Jooheon then turned to Wonho and asked, “did Minhyuk ever tell you about his brother?”

Wonho blinked, and then shook his head. “No, he rarely brought up his family, not individually, at least. He said his family was nice but that they weren't around anymore, so I never really questioned him about them after that.”

Jooheon huffed, shaking his head. “I’m sorry to say this but he lied to you,” he murmured.

Wonho frowned. “What do you mean?”

Jooheon inhaled deeply once again. “I know that I probably shouldn’t even be telling you both any of this, but I’m doing it because Minhyuk is going to need you,” he said directly to Wonho, who was suddenly more alert and focused than before. “His upbringing was the equivalent to hell. His family was horrible to him, especially his brother. Minhyuk might not have told me everything about them, but what I do know, and what I’ve seen first-hand, is that his brother really was the devil. Man, he was one of the worst people that anyone could ever meet. Minhyuk told me all about him, but then I saw him face-to-face one day, and it was a pure nightmare. Minhyuk was always the tougher one between the two of us, I won’t even lie about that. One of the strongest people that I have ever known. He was always very protective of what he loves, and would speak up against the things that he didn’t like or felt weren’t fair, and it would get him into a lot of trouble. He always told me it did. But the day that his brother saw us holding hands in public on the last day that we were together, I had never seen him so afraid to speak up. I thought that his brother was going to shatter him into pieces like glass. It was one of the scariest things that I had ever witnessed,” and then Jooheon’s face contorted with anguish as he said with gritted teeth, “and I didn’t do _shit_ about it.” Tears were building in his eyes again, though they seemed to be caused by that same frustration, which is evidently building. “Minhyuk made me stand there while doing and saying nothing. It wasn’t my choice to not act. He told me once that if there was ever a time where I met his family, to just _‘not act or engage no matter how bad the situation gets, that it would only make things worse’_. Even as I watched him get punched in the gut and dragged away by the arm, he told me to stay, and I regret listening. I regret it every day,” Jooheon’s voice was shaking. “I wanted to follow him so badly, but his brother looked back at me and stopped me dead in my tracks. Fuck, man, I swear, the look that man gave me would be enough to kill if possible. He didn’t need any words to use as a threat, the look alone was enough to take me down. I didn’t even know where Minhyuk lived because he never took me there, he was always too afraid and embarrassed to. But once they were out of sight, that was it for us. My anxiety went _real high_ after that. I tried desperately to call him on his cellphone after a while of waiting but the line was completely dead and disconnected. He had been laid off from his job a few weeks before that so he had no job that I could check in on. I kept on trying his phone for months after that but it was always the same thing and during all that time, I was unable to properly sleep or eat, and my mental health was so bad because of how worried I was about him. Everything went radio silent. I tried so hard to get to him but I couldn’t.”

I gaze over at Wonho, whose eyes were filling up with tears that haven’t fallen quite yet, but were dangerously close to as he eyed the floor in shock. Rather than keeping my hand on his leg, I went and found his hand instead, bringing it to my lap so that I can hold it with both of mine in order to comfort him. I gently squeezed it. 

“Did you ever see his family after that?” I asked.

Jooheon nodded. “After that day, I noticed a few guys were following me every once in a while. A couple of those times, Minhyuk’s brother was with them and I knew that he was getting me back. They found out where I liked, where I worked. They went as far as to threaten me, but then ultimately jumped me.” His face was expressionless as he explained this, his tone monotonous. “Once they drew blood and sent me to the emergency room, I guess they were satisfied and I never saw them again.” His eyes looked down at his folded hands, eyebrows twitching before saying, “when that happened though, I was able to ask his brother where Minhyuk was. But he said—” Jooheon paused, hesitating as he swallowed, “—he said that he doesn’t exist anymore.”

A silence fell before Wonho quietly said, “Minhyuk mentioned you before to me.”

Jooheon’s eyes found his, head tilting. “What?”

Wonho’s words came out a bit weak, stuttering from time to time. “You know that he works at The Laconic, right? You know what kind of place that is.”

Jooheon nodded. “When I found out he was working that kind of job, I got scared. It was one of the reasons why I went with Shownu.”

Wonho’s lips went into a straight line. “Sometimes, after Min’s more rougher shifts, I would take him home and the drive would go one of two ways. It would either be silent, or we would have these deep conversations. At some points, he would bring up a man from his past, and it was always the same one, never anyone else,” he said as he eyed Jooheon softly. “He never mentioned an actual name, or that he was an old boyfriend, and I would never question him about it because I knew that if he wanted me to know, he would have told me. Min always said that this man was as sweet as honey, so he would always call you that. Honey. He always referred to Honey as a ‘comfort memory’. It was the only part of his past that he seemed to want to reveal in bits and pieces every once in a while and now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure that he might have been talking about you all this time."

Something clicked in my mind as I recalled the moment at The Laconic when both Minhyuk and Jooheon saw each other. Did Minhyuk not call Jooheon, Honey?

But I stay quiet, keeping that discovery to myself.

Jooheon nodded, seemingly floored by this. He then turned his eyes to me and said, “Hyung, can I mention something about that conversation we had? The one when I dropped you off at home from your birthday?”

It took me a second to recall which one he meant given that I was drunk that night, but then I remembered that it was the night that I had first seen Hyungwon after a year. I nod, “mh,” though a part of me was worried that Hyungwon would be brought up, though that’s just me overthinking. I know he wouldn’t say a word about it. This must be something else.

“Do you remember when you mentioned how you never wanted Wonho to leave, but that he needed to for some reason, even though he didn’t want to?” Wonho silently squeezed my hand gently in reaction to this, though I don’t take my eyes off of Jooheon. I nod again without a single word. “Well, that’s how I felt when Minhyuk left me that day. I never wanted Minhyuk to leave, and I sure as hell know that he didn’t want to leave me, either. We had plans lined up. We were both saving up our money on the side so that we could get a place of our own so that he can move as far as possible from his family. I wanted to get him out of there so badly, but he had no choice in the end, and then he just disappeared.” He took a deep breath in and sighed, “we never got to say goodbye to each other.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I looked down to my feet, feeling sad for my friend whom had felt something similar to what I had felt, though far worse than I could even imagine. Both experiences shouldn’t even be compared with, though I do understand why he brought the relationship between the two experiences up. It was a means to connect us with them, a way for us to relate to each other even if it’s just by a little bit. It goes a long way.

“What happened tonight?” Wonho asked.

“I won’t lie, I’ve seen Minhyuk dropping by Heart notes for a couple or so years now, but he was always with some other man, never alone. I kept thinking that maybe they were together, that he was his boyfriend. And I was happy that he looked as though he was moving on from his past, and I didn’t want to ruin any of it for him so I stayed quiet.”

“What did he look like?” Wonho asked.

“Blonde hair, parted in the middle—”

That was all it took. Wonho looked to me and muttered, “Jeonghan.” We both had the same thought. He turned to Jooheon and said, “they were never like that.”

Jooheon inhaled and said, “even so, I always kept my eye on him to see if he was safe and happy.”

“Wait,” Wonho said, “what do you mean you’ve always kept an eye on him?”

I turned to Wonho and explain, “Jooheon owns Heart Notes.”

Wonho’s eyebrows furrow. “But Minhyuk has been going there for so long.”

“I know, I know. I kept my distance. Minhyuk was never alone, always around people, even when we were all at The Laconic. But he was alone tonight for the first time since I noticed him a couple of years ago, and so I took a chance. I think I triggered him when I mentioned his brother—” he hesitated as he saw Wonho’s eyes widen, “I know, okay? I fucked up so bad. I should have been more sensitive though before I could say anything else, he freaked out on me and left. I tried to follow him but he kept saying his brother’s name, for me to stop or else he’ll come. It was scary, man. It made me seriously wonder what even happened once he disappeared. But then another man came and took him, the same one that usually joins him, that Jeonghan guy you said.”

Wonho breathed out in relief. “You don’t need to worry, he’s safe with him.”

“Is he a good person to Minhyuk?” Jooheon wondered.

Wonho took a second before answering with, “you don't need to worry with him.”

Jooheon leaned forward, his elbows on his knees as he buried his face into his hands, shaking his head in them. “I didn’t mean for him to react that way, I didn’t mean to hurt him,” his voice came out muffled. He lifted up his face again and said, “I feel so stupid for bringing up his brother. I know I shouldn’t have.”

“I’ll talk to Min, okay?” Wonho said reassuringly, putting a comforting hand on his back before returning it. “He was just caught off guard.”

“Is there any chance that I can possibly talk to him? I just want to apologize and see if he’s okay.”

Wonho’s eyes were sad as he carefully said, “I’m not entirely sure. From what you’ve told me,” he inhaled, “Min didn’t have a good past, and as much as you are a comfort memory to him, you are still a part of it. I think that he might be associating you with the rest, which makes you outnumbered. You might need to wait it out a little longer for him to be able to separate them from you so that you can both see each other and have that proper talk. Just give him time, and maybe he’ll find you when he’s ready if that’s what he wants.”

I look to Wonho, warmed by his words and his caring nature towards my friend.

“Thank you,” Jooheon bowed his head in gratitude.

“All I can do now is check on him to see if he’s okay, but I think I’ll give him space tonight to calm down. If anything, I’ll get Shownu to pass on any messages that I might have for you.”

I nodded, agreeing to this.

“I’m guessing that I won’t be seeing him at Heart Notes any time soon, right?”

Wonho shook his head. “Knowing Minhyuk the way I do, not until he’s ready since he’s fully aware now that you own the place.”

Jooheon exhaled, coming to terms with this. “I think I’ll go now.” He then went on to thank us, especially Wonho for his help, as well as apologizing for interrupting our night while he was leaving. But before he went, Jooheon looked to me and said, “I almost forgot to tell you that Changkyun wants to hang out tomorrow night. You in?”

My heart jumped. I want to ask him if Hyungwon will be there, but I can’t. “I’m not sure. I might have plans with Wonho.”

Wonho readily shook his head. “No, I’ll be out of here by noon tomorrow.”

I hesitate.

“Come on, man. It’ll be just you, me and him,” Jooheon pressed as he eyed me, covertly saying that Hyungwon won’t be there.

“I’ll see you tomorrow night, then.”

"You can come too if you want," Jooheon said to Wonho.

Wonho smiled at the offer, but kindly rejected it. "I have work in the evening." 

And with that, Jooheon left.

The apartment was suddenly quiet again with just the two of us, and I can tell that Wonho is overwhelmed from the abrupt information download. Once the door had closed, he took a step right in front of me and wrapped his arms around my body as we touched foreheads. “That was a lot for me,” he said with eyes closed.

“I know,” I paused before asking. “Where do you think Minhyuk went?”

“My bet is Kihyun’s apartment,” Wonho guessed. “That’s why I’m here, after all. He told me that he had plans to go over there tonight. So, I took the opportunity.”

I grinned, holding onto him a little tighter. “I know I said this before,” I muttered, “but I’m happy you’re here.”

Air escaped his nose as he grinned. “me too.” We disconnected from each other. And then Wonho yawned.

“Let’s get you to bed,” I mumbled, my voice suddenly raspy with sleep. But then I suddenly had an idea. “Or are you a little hungry?” I smirked.

His once tired eyes widened as he nodded with a grin. I’m relieved that I could still make him smile in spite of what happened. This helped us to gradually return back to where we were before Jooheon had arrived.

\-------------------------------------------------

The very next day, Wonho and I took it easy. We woke up early, but spent most of that time in bed. The black-out blinds were shut, so the room remained dark and it felt cozy. I had my arms around him for a long time, not wanting to let him go, but the closer we got to noon, the worse I felt.

“Do you have to go this early?” I asked.

He sighed. “No, but we have to be cautious if we want to see each other again.”

I brought him in tighter and kissed the side of his head. “Let’s do this again then, mh?”

He didn’t verbally reply, though he turned his face to me, resting a gentle and flat hand on my cheek as he kissed me. We stayed like this for a time until we finally got up to put some pants on. I decided to dress in a t-shirt, though he avoided one, telling me that it was too hot to wear it. I didn’t complain. I like watching him walking around my apartment shirtless.

I started to get things set up in the kitchen while Wonho sat at the island counter stool, observing what I was doing, but then someone knocked at the door. Wonho’s eyes snapped at me in panic just as I turned around to look at him. “Don’t worry. That’s most likely my neighbor giving me my mail. Sometimes they accidentally put it in their mailbox. It happens a few times. Could you get the door for me?” I could care less if they knew about Wonho given that this is our only form of interaction.

Wonho’s features relaxed before hopping off the stool. I turned back to mix the food one last time before turning off the stove, hearing the door open, but no words had followed seconds after. I turn around to find that eomma was standing at the door, eyes unblinking, body rigid, and smile absent as she scanned a shirtless Wonho from top to bottom. Wonho looked confused. And I can tell that she was disgusted.

I bolted around the island counter to stand by Wonho, putting an arm in front of him and gently pushing him back a bit. “Eomma,” I say panicked. “How did you get up here?”

Wonho’s eyes widened in fear as he looked up at me.

“I had called you many times to say that I was on my way over to talk to you about something important. But you wouldn't answer. And when I was downstairs, someone had let me in. And I figured, since you are my son, it wouldn't matter whether I pressed the button or not,” she said calmly through gritted teeth, her eyes as sharp as knives.

Fuck. I had put my phone on silent last night and haven’t checked it since.

“Eomma—” the word was drawn out, at a loss for what to say as I find myself abruptly in distress, unsure of how to protect Wonho from her. At this point, I’m speechless. I suddenly want to hold Wonho’s hand so badly because I can feel that he was panicking just as I am.

Her eyebrow raised as she eyed Wonho as if she were targeting him. “Who is this?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please press the kudos heart button! ^^  
> Also, leave comments and share this story with others! I would absolutely appreciate it all.


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